Saturday, May 31, 2008

Day Three.

Hard to believe it's the last day in May already...As boring as the hospital can be, no complaints today, it went pretty quick.

Slept in and had a nice relaxing morning with Tim for once before he walked down to his office to play catch-up on some work. In the meantime, I listened to Will's heartbeat and got my usual round of various pills and my shots. I have gotten two steroid shots to help develop Will's lungs and now get two shots a day in my stomach to help prevent blood clots. Not exactly the best feeling in the world, it actually stings pretty darn bad. But better than taking any chances with developing a clot.

Talked to some friends this afternoon and then my parents stopped by for a visit. After they left, Tim and I got a chance to tour the NICU where our baby will go after birth. It is amazing down there and we saw many babies born at 25 weeks that are now 30 weeks of age...so, so, so tiny! They didn't have any actual 25 weekers to show us, but a few babies that were about 1.5-2.0 lbs. which is about Will's size at the moment we think. Its crazy to think about. It is extremely hard to see babies that tiny and sick, but to think that any of them actually get better and go home is such a miracle.

One more day down, and I am convinced this little guy isn't coming out anytime soon, which is great...each day helps so much, now we realize that after seeing the other babies.

Tim headed home tonight to sleep in a real bed instead of the hard board next to me. We're starting to get a routine down and assuming this will be for the long haul. After seeing those precious babies today, if it gives Will a better chance....then this is totally worth it.


Friday, May 30, 2008

Day Two.

After yesterday's events I slept like a rock. Tim slept on the little cot next to me and he didn't even hear the doctor come in this morning to listen to my heart and ask me questions. Needless to say, we were both wiped between his work and this baby business...

No major incidents today, no crashes, no labor. A very successful day on bed rest. Things are actually pretty good for the time being.  My bleeding has tapered off drastically. I love the nursing and doctor staff, there are always people popping in to do or check something, so its actually very busy. For those of you that are trying to call on my phone, my apologies. The trend has been as soon as someone walks in here to discuss something with me, my phone rings. So I have been keeping my ringer off, its just too much sometimes. So thank goodness for this blog...this will be the easiest way for me to let everyone know what is going on for right now.

25 weeks today. Another small victory. Each day that passes without events is a huge blessing and all the nurses are impressed with our little guys heart beat...As I pray, I praise God for this miracle. I am expecting a miracle, it is already happening. We all just have to keep praying and believing in it. Next week we are scheduled to walk through the NICU where they will show us babies of similar gestational periods as Will, it will be hard but a good preparation for what might be to come. Plan for the worst and pray for the best has always been our moto. So far, it has worked well.

We are so grateful for everyone's prayers; family, friends, and strangers that are reaching out. It all means so much to have so many people caring and praying for our family.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Hospital Chaos

What a crazy first day in the hospital...Its' only 3:30 here and I feel like the most insane things keep happening. Seriously, we moved away from Orange County because of the drama...it's following us!

This morning I was laying in bed meeting with 3 doctors and we were sitting around talking with all the sudden the building suddenly jolted, it was weird. Then we looked out the window and noticed things falling down through the air. We assumed it was something with the construction cranes outside my window. Then the alarms, and then my cell phone started ringing.

Tim was calling and had seen the whole thing from his office window just a few blocks away. A helicopter crashed on the roof and exploded with thick black smoke billowing over the city block. For those of you in Cali that think I moved to some dumpy little town...well, its on the main page of CNN. Pretty impressive. 
I was very concerned for the pilots and crew, and thank God that they are in stable condition and no one was killed. Very lucky. Just one more thing in this absolutely crazy journey.

In the meantime, my floor was evacuated out of the building and into a nearby building for about 4 hours. I was joking with my doctors as I walked down the 4 flights of stairs and across the street that "sure, I really needed to be on bed rest!...and I was sooooo glad they made me check into the hospital last night." We had a good laugh. You know me, if I can't laugh at the situation then I would likely lose my mind. I'll take a good laugh any day. (Speaking of a good laugh...nothing beats walking out of the hospital in my nightgown down to my knees with a pair of khakis they thankfully let me put on...and then realizing the local news station was taping me. I nearly had a seizure. Pray that isn't on the 6 o'clock news.)

Now I am back in my room, things have settled, and I am ready for a nap. After talking with various doctors and neonatologists today, I have a new prayer request. That I stay pregnant for at least a few more weeks. Even better; until Tim gets back from Jersey the weekend of June 20. I have learned more about the situation and nothing is for sure and we won't know until Will is born, but each day he stays put, the better for his overall health. We made it this far...Why not go for the gusto?

So one day down. Who knows how many more to go? I will deliver no later than 34 weeks...that takes us to August 1st. Just as I did with Tim's deployments, its all about one day at a time. We continue to be truly grateful for every one's thoughts and prayers...I am convinced that is how we have made it this far.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Making the best of it...

What a day.
 
I had a whole blog typed up from this afternoon and deleted it, I was so upset it just didn't make sense once I read it over. Too many emotions, too little understanding. But now as I type this I am settled in my hospital room, attached to a monitor that lets us hear Will's heartbeat. Its strong, which makes this even harder...

No good news today. In fact, just a lot of hard decisions that I continue to pray to God that we will not have to make ourselves. Everything is just so complicated, every prognosis is poor. Each doctor we see says the same thing, "I don't envy the situation you guys are in." I know they mean well, but we're looking at some very distressing events that could take place, and sometimes I still can't believe this is all happening to us.

Tonight I said goodbye to my cutie-pie Sophie and cried...she has kept me company for all these weeks. She loves laying in bed and sleeping way more than I do, so it has been such a blessing having her around. As I walked out of our house, it hit me. The next time I walk through that door I will either have lost my child or he will be very sick in the NICU. Either situation sucks. I am a firm believer in miracles and prayers, but am also realistic. Having been without fluid for this long gives him very poor odds. If he does survive he will likely have some sort of disability. 

Tim and I are not ready to deal with that. I can hardly deal with all the information they keep putting on us. This is what I have found out in my first hour of being here: I am anemic, so now I have to take iron. I also have something specific in my blood that makes we prone to blood clots (remember the story of the other pregnant girl in L.A. that I wrote about because she died from that in March? Now it really makes me freak out). Then there are other things I have found out about Will's birth and our choices once he is born or even lack of. Way too much to go into now.

So we ask for your prayers as this whole journey continues to drag out and seemingly get worse. As Tim called it tonight...the miscarriage that just won't end. 

I have prayed so much and know it is out of my hands, so I release it. As I read my devotional this morning there was a line that was perfect for today: "Not my will, but Thine."

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Doctor tomorrow...

Yesterday was hot. Another thing about Michigan I had forgotten about...it also gets muggy. Well, late in the afternoon, after gulping down about 10 glasses of ice water, I felt like I was swelling up by the minute. Very gross. I went to bed with no covers, only to wake up freezing. There's a saying out here: "If you don't like the weather wait 10 minutes because it will change." That is the truth. This morning I am thankfully back to my original size since the temp. dropped back down at least 20 degrees.

Tomorrow we have another appointment with the high risk doctor. I know they are going to try and put me in the hospital tomorrow night. We're anxious at what they might say. I have no problem going if they are going to be proactive to do something to help Will, but when we ask questions everyone seems to turn dumb. And just as with every day since all this began, there are no changes. Unless you count the baby being VERY active this last week. Which I take as an awesome sign.

The truth is: I don't think they know what to do exactly. Everything they told me that should happen...hasn't.  I believe a lot of this is mental and I have been working hard to keep the positive/no worries attitude going. Being in the hospital would serve a serious blow. So tomorrow may mark the beginning of a new chapter...I'd better start a DVD collection! We're continuing to pray for a miracle and also for some answers. Tomorrow I would settle for at least one out of the two. So stay tuned for an update tomorrow.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day

Today is always bittersweet. Most people look forward to the time off work, the 3 day weekend, the barbeques. For us, it is another day to remember. To think of the men and their families that were left behind. We wonder how they are doing, how the kids are growing up. And we are thankful too...thankful and feeling guilty at the same time that we are still here. So I feel obligated to remember them all, especially today.

Last Memorial Day, Tim and I went to the Marine Memorial Park in San Clemente which overlooks the ocean. It was the end of the day, but the beach was still packed. We sat on a bench, under the saluting Marine sculpture and watched the sun set into the ocean. It was quiet up there, the view was so beautiful, and tears streamed down our face. Neither of us spoke, we just sat there and held hands. Each of us engulfed in our own memories and thoughts.

This past week, while I was dinking around on my computer I came across some old documents I had typed up years ago. One seemed perfect for today, on a day when I really don't know what to say because it can be overwhelming. When it shouldn't be about anything else but those who have served. And since I am no longer in San Clemente to visit the park, or do anything else that would honorable today, I thought I would share this. If I could do anything today I would be walking the rows in Arlington, something we have not been able to do since before the war, so of course, it has new meaning to us. So I thought I would post part of what I wrote, after all today is about remembering and reflecting...

We all sat there, staring at the line of inverted riffles and the pictures of the men that had been placed in front of each weapon. The wind rolled off the hills of Camp Pendleton to where we all stood, where the Marines were lined in formation, where the inverted rifles and their boots lay in memoriam.

The wind whipped the dog tags so each one hit the riffle it was dangling on, making sounds like wind chimes. Clink-clink, clink-clink…as if the dead were reaching out to us saying “we’re here.”

It was almost too much to take in, the blue sky, the helicopter making its distant sound, the gunfire miles off in the distance at the range. It all played out as if it wasn’t real, standing here looking at the Marines, their families, it seemed as if I were in a dream, some sort of movie.

As I stood there at the memorial I thought of the last3 years and all that had happened. It would be hard to leave this, to just get in our car and drive the same way we had come. It represented letting go of so much more than anyone else could imagine. The only people that could imagine were those that had done it before us and we were all connected by one thing, the Marine Corps.

An hour later we walked to our car and drove through the gate to go home. This was the same road I had taken home after dropping Tim off for his second deployment, the same road I had cried on, and still the same as I drove in the darkness of night early one summer morning to pick him up as he returned from Iraq the first time. It was the road of unknowns. The road had not changed, but I had.

I felt like all this had happened behind closed doors. The tearful goodbyes, the welcome home signs, the funerals, the pre-deployment briefs; it had all happened just a mile or so off the 5, yet everyone around here had no clue what was happening. As soon as we got on the ramp to head north I felt like every other person in Orange County, only I knew what happened behind those infamous gates and had experienced it all. Every emotion a human could experience was felt on that little stretch of road, and again, only those who had been there knew of it. And because of that stretch of road I had found meaning in a world that I had never known existed. In this world I had gone from a naïve girl from western Michigan to a proud Marine Corps wife that had a new found appreciation for the word freedom.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Happy Birthday!




What a great weekend
for a birthday....
seriously.

I could not have wished
for anything better.
Thank you for all the calls, emails, cards, and well wishes that helped to pull me out of my funk on Friday...more on that later. Maybe.




The day started with us reminiscing over past birthdays. 5 years ago I was sitting on a tarmac at 2 a.m., alone, waiting for Tim to come home after his first tour in Iraq. I won't ever forget that birthday, surrounded by thousands of strangers waiting anxiously in the dark for their loved ones...4 years ago I celebrated my birthday with my Dad & Donna who visited me in Cali (Tim was in Iraq for round 2)...and then this year...

Today was the first birthday in years (literally 6) where I was able to wake up next to my husband and have a real birthday with family. Something I use to take for granted until I moved 2000 miles away. My mom stopped by in the morning, then my dad and Donna made the trip up from Toledo and we had an awesome lunch by the lake. Later, my mom, dad, & Eric stopped by from some cake.

The cake. A special thanks to John & Anna for sending the BEST darn birthday cake I have ever had. As you can see from the picture, it was not only fashionable but so good that we couldn't stop eating it. Sent all the way from Long Beach...to Rockford, Mi. You guys rock & I cannot thank you enough. Wish you could have been here to enjoy it with us!

The weather has been beautiful, the day filled with loved ones, and what can I say?! This definitely beat staying in the hospital. A truly blessed day. The other picture I posted is of Sophie in our front yard yesterday. Another special thanks to a student of mine, Delaney, who sent an awesome birthday present of cute slippers and even a gift for Sophie. As you can see, the day was beautiful and she was in heaven with her new "treasure."

I am grateful for many reasons today. Exhausted, but grateful. I was concerned Will would make his debut this weekend, but all is well. He enjoyed the cake today by kicking and rolling around...maybe it was his favorite flavor, Chocolate Chip. Or maybe it was the fact I had like 3 pieces and the caffeine put the kid on overdrive. Who knows. Or maybe he sensed that his mommy was happier than she has been in a long time...I bet that's it.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Ouch.

I hope that I won't have to eat my words...

As I sit here and begin to cramp, I don't want to think of what the doctors might say if we roll into the hospital tonight or this weekend. Sometimes I have these little episodes of cramping for about an hour and then nothing happens...unless, you count when I start to cry and lose my mind because I feel like I am being teased on this emotional roller coaster. But I usually get over it pretty quickly. One thing I realized after being poked at and stuck with needles in the multiple visits to the doctor and ER is that I am really a wimp. So say prayers for Tim for when I actually do go into labor...because it isn't going to be pretty.

But as much as I pray and cry to God I feel like most of my personal prayers have gone unanswered. Not unheard. Just unanswered, and its not uncommon for me to feel this way. I am big believer in signs. Like the weekend after I was released from the hospital, my mom and I went shopping at some little shops in downtown Rockford by our new house. Very quaint. Very cute. I entered some drawing for a prize and mumbled under my breath, "I could really use to win something right now"...as I put my name in the fishbowl. The next day the lady called telling me I had won. 
Now, let's get something straight. I never win anything. Never. Especially something that I had wanted to buy but decided to wait "just in case." When I picked up the prize (Cucina kitchen soap and lotion for next to the sink) I actually asked the woman if my mom had paid her or called and told her our story. She just looked at me like I was crazy. So I thanked her and left. Needless to say, I felt like God had his hand in that, his way of saying that I really needed to keep the faith.

Well, this morning I got another sign. We hadn't been seeing the deer much this past week. This morning Tim and I were eating breakfast (later than usual because he had a professional test) and out through the woods walked a doe and her new baby. It was the cutest thing. He was so small, Sophie looked like she would have been bigger. As much as I have seen of the wildlife out here, I have never seen a baby that small, even when I was younger. How could I not take that as a sign? I don't know exactly what it means...but, it brought me peace. Any other day I would have missed it, Tim leaves so early that I go back to sleep. But today it was meant to be.

Peace is something I have needed. This week I felt funny physically, not sick, but not myself. Its probably all this laying around I am doing. Its doing a job on me mentally. And then you mix in the excessive bleeding and slight cramps, well, who knows. Six weeks ago I was praying for this all to be over as soon as possible. We all know that never happened. There are moments when I still pray that, when I get so sick of feeling crappy and not being able to do anything fun or productive. Then there are moments when I think that we have made it this far, so what is a few more weeks. This Friday I will be 24 weeks, 15% viability for the baby...and that is if there was fluid this whole time. But people have survived on a smaller statistic than that. 

I just don't want this baby to merely survive though, I want him to thrive and have a healthy life. I have prayed that if Will does come early, that we are not faced with a decision to keep him alive when his quality of life would be poor. Our concerns change with each passing week. So we are grateful for the continued prayers. Many times we pray for something and then it doesn't happen. So we feel let down. 
But then there are the times when we think we know what we want to happen and God shocks us, bringing us a blessing we never even considered. This may just be one of those stories.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Small victory.

Another sunny day here. Always puts me in a better mood, I guess that little stint in Cali did teach me one important thing - without the sunshine for more than 24 hours I get grumpy. Well, I had better enjoy it now, who knows how I will make it through next winter...

I was even beginning to wonder how I would make it starting on Friday when they wanted to put me on bed rest in the hospital. Go figure this happens in May/early June, practically the nicest part of the entire year here. But I was able to talk to the Dr. this morning and get her to agree that I can be home for this Memorial Day weekend and my birthday. YAY! Not like there is going to be a party, or any plans for that matter. I just don't want to be in the stupid hospital, anything is better than that. So that is my one victory for the day.

Next Wednesday, we will go see the specialist again and they will probably admit me then. But I just bought myself 5 more days of freedom. I am saying a prayer of thanks for this small blessing. Like I said before, you learn to appreciate the little things...like sleeping in my own bed, eating normal food, laying with Sophie, and being able to take a shower. At this point, I'm not asking for a whole lot. 

I guess my one last birthday wish is that God takes care of this situation with Will so that we won't have to decide his fate ourselves. If he is meant to be here, I pray that he has minimal complications, and if not, I pray God takes him soon and with little suffering. I can't help but wonder though, with each passing day if this is going to end in such a surprise for us all. I have a feeling God has something up his sleeve, because each passing day continues to perplex us all.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Sunday.


Today was good. Yesterday wasn't bad either...the sun and fresh air can make anything nearly bearable. Here is the newest photo of Will. It is much harder to see without all the fluid around his little head...so sad.

After we got a grip on our emotions (and a good night's sleep) after our Friday doctor's appointment, we sat down and talked about all that was going on. I called a good friend in CA and got a 2nd opinion...and he confirmed our thoughts...there is no need for me to go sit in the hospital if they cannot do anything for me. So tomorrow I will be giving my doctor a call to see what they plan to do for me if and once I was to be admitted.

I was not brought up to question authority, however, ever since the doc told me he wanted me in the hospital I was overcome with a sense that it wasn't right. I know when I am sick, and I am not one to push the envelope on my health either. But let's face it, I know that I run more of a risk of getting an infection and/or losing my mind being in a nasty hospital, all alone, for possibly weeks on end. Its a shame that we now live in a world where doctors can no longer give advice to patients based on medicine and what is best for that individual. It all comes down to liability and them having to cover their own butt so they won't get sued.

The other aspect of our story: Tim has to leave for New Jersey to train for his new job in June for roughly two weeks. This presents lots of problems/possible undesirable situations. But we decided that I will definitely go and stay in the hospital then. Peace of mind for us both.

One day at a time. Its funny how much of our life has been lived out this way. Its tough, but this won't be forever. Never again will we take for granted being able to travel outside the city or even plan something more than a day in advance. At times I can't believe how crazy our life has been since we moved home. 

It has been nothing like we hoped and dreamed it would be, but thank goodness we ARE here. We are both looking to the future and hoping this can somehow be resolved soon. It will be in God's time though, not ours. There are so many uncertainities that only one thing IS certain, without all of our family and friends praying and carrying us through this...we would have lost our minds weeks ago.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Speechless...

How does someone know when they are lower than low? When things are so dark you ask yourself, "No seriously, could it possibly get any worse?"

I believe Tim and I have reached the bottom of the barrel per say. As I lay there during the ultrasound this afternoon, on a beautiful sunny day...all I kept thinking is that I should be at my friend's wedding today having a great time with my friends I haven't seen in years. After all, that is why we moved home, to stop missing out on the big events in everyone's life. Instead, on one of the happiest days in her life, I am experiencing one of ~scratch that~ the worst day in my life.

I don't know what to say. Here are the facts.
~No fluid
~Heart beat was good, then was taking periodic dips or slowing down. Inconsistent.
~Chest was filled with the heart and his chest should have been bigger in size. This confirms his lungs are not developing.
~Still breach
~And the suckiest part, they wanted to put me in the hospital starting tonight until I go into labor. That could be tomorrow or 10 weeks from now. Dr. gave Will less than 10% chance of survival and that is if things go as best they can. Which I can't even tell you what that means because there are just too many different factors that will have to come together, like some messed up puzzle.

So I overall, I am speechless. Actually, I know what I want to say but don't dare type it for the world to see. I am striving to keep this PG.

The biggest blow: still no definite answers. We are such a special case. I'm sick of being "special." Doctor wanted to put me in the hospital tonight (its standard at 23 weeks, he said) and stay until I go into labor.
I refused. 
First of all, you just don't go to the doctor and then SURPRISE! you won a trip to the hospital for bedrest for the next several weeks. Second, I at least need some time to get some affairs in order, like pack some clothes and other things to entertain my myself for who knows how long. (What does one do while in the hospital for weeks on end, just waiting to have a baby??)

To rub salt into this gaping wound I will be admitted into the hospital on Friday, May 23. Two days before my 29th birthday over Memorial Day weekend, and over the first actual break from work that Tim has gotten since we moved here. I can't put into words how I feel right now. Angry doesn't begin to cover it. And quite frankly, I think I am allowed. Being home, able to lay with Sophie, has been keeping me sane.

Results of today's visit? I am emotionally drained, physically drained, and hoping that all these medical bills and my inability to work doesn't leave us financially drained as well. I have put so much faith and trust in God these last few weeks. I kept telling myself that if I could just have a good attitude and look to the future after our miscarriage last Sept. that we would be blessed eventually. Did I not suffer enough then? I feel like I am being punished, even though I know better. And I feel that no matter how much we try to do the right thing and be good people, we just can't catch a break...and still, I know better. How do I know better? Because we have been blessed with friends and family (and even strangers) thinking and praying for us when we ourselves are no longer able to do it.

There is much left to say but for now, it seems like enough. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. As soon as we are able to let all this sink it, I will post again.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Thursday

Yesterday was eye opening.

I decided to take a day to pick up the house, do laundry, all that fun stuff. So I never left the house, never actually changed out of my sweat pants and t-shirt...and never will I do that again.

This blog is more to me than just an update for people, it's a sense of therapy that I can provide myself without getting a huge bill from an individual with Dr. posted at the beginning of their name. I've always loved to write and find that doing so is helping me cope with the many things that are going on in our life right now. And even if no one reads this, that is fine with me. In the end, this is my story, my thoughts, my way of leaving evidence that I was here and all of this really happened. A way to write out all of the thoughts in my mind without going crazy with all that is going on with Will...with Tim...and with me.

Yesterday, it really started to hit me what we are facing here. And being the internet savvy person I am, I began to Google different things. This is where the trouble started. See, I never find exactly what I am looking for, and happened to stumble onto someone else's blog that echoed my worst fears. Is there anything worse than losing a baby? Sure. Its tough, but there are so many sad stories out there, and in my eyes I am also worried about my own health as well as the baby's. It may sound selfish, but things are going on with my body that I know are not right, and I don't really have a caring, compassionate doctor checking in on me. I feel abandoned at times. Its a scary place to be.

I haven't expressed a lot of my fears and concerns. Not even to Tim. It's just too much at times (especially for him combined with the new job) and I don't want to worry others. But here's the truth...I am scared more than words can express. And yesterday I found myself on a blog written by a husband out in L.A. There were so many similarities that I found myself sucked into reading the past two months of his blog.

It goes something like this:

He and his wife, Liz, are from Minnesota and moved out to L.A. a few years ago.

They are our age.

They were expecting their first baby.
Liz had low amniotic fluid (a couple weeks later into her pregnancy than I am now) and was put on bed rest at home for 2 weeks and then another 3 weeks in the hospital.
Their daughter was born premature in March via emergency c-section.
The next day, as she got up to sit in a wheelchair to hold her daughter for the first time she passed out.
Next thing they know, Liz has died because she developed a pulmonary embolism while being on bedrest.
Now a new father must raise a daughter on his own and come to terms with losing his high school sweetheart.

Needless to say, by the time Tim got home I was a mess. Not only because of their tragedy but because my own sadness and fears have been stuffed down deep inside, and this time I just couldn't keep them there. They exploded out with force. I cried for the husband, Matt, and their beautiful baby. And that is when I decided that each day I have, I will not take it lightly. That is the way we lived out in CA, never knowing if a deployment would take Tim away for good. So we lived it up, and somehow since moving here we have succumbed to the mundaness that life can sometimes dish up if you aren't careful.

Sure, we're going through a lot. Of course, the baby stress and my health. But we are also getting adjusted to Tim's new work schedule of 70 hour work weeks, a new (much slower) life in Michigan for me, and also just the fact that we are surrounded by family again...realizing that while we were away so much did change back here. Not anything cool, like new radio stations or clothing styles, but the things that really matter~people and relationships. For years it was just the two of us. Now we barely see each other, or we have company on the weekends when we are together...and I miss him. And I think we are both grieving and celebrating our new life at the same time, not really being able to see where it is we are going.

And for right now, that is okay, as long as we can recognize just what it is we are dealing with. I am grateful for our new home, for the support of loved and cherished people all over this country that are helping to carry us through this. I am grateful for this situation, as awful as it has been, that has allowed me to grow in compassion for others and be able to relate better in so many ways. In the end, its all about growing as a person, right? And we all know that is never easy if you truly do it right.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Time

Time. I just can't seem to get a handle on it...

I have written two posts in the past week and then deleted them both. Things were a little crazy this weekend, and it left us in a whirlwind. But we survived. What exactly happened...well, that is just too much to type. All things included it went something like this: a patio glass table shattered into a million pieces, Friday night's panic of waking up to major cramping and then nothing happening, a work key that went to work with the wrong person (uh, not me!), my complete and utter breakdown over stupid things happening combined with baby stress, and then there was Mother's Day. But like I said, we all survived, and that is all that matters. I don't think Tim & I were ever so happy for a new week, Monday morning included!

Today is beautiful, which brings me back to time. I can't believe the date and how things just keep chugging along. I thought things went fast when I was teaching in CA. It's the same deal out here. When I was in the hospital, I never thought I would actually be going to see the high risk doctor. I assumed that this would have all been over, just like they told me it probably would be. Well, they were wrong. I am praying that they will continue to be wrong. 

On Friday afternoon we are getting to finally see a high risk doctor and I will be having an extremely in-depth ultrasound. We are anxious to see what is going on in there, but also know that the doctors haven't been able to give us very clear answers. And honestly, I know its not up to any of us here. Will is still rolling and kicking around, despite my bleeding and other various indescribable symptoms. Medicine can only go so far. These past 6 weeks have been miraculous and on Friday, I will be 23 weeks. As more time goes by, the more questions Tim & I have and as much as we want Friday to come, we are both anxious at what we may find out. 

Thank you for your continued prayers and support, we have both felt a sense of peace that has been such a huge blessing. With each passing day, the air gets warmer, and everything keeps getting greener. Its about hope in the things we can't always see, and Friday might just be the day for a miracle.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Recap of Events...

I attempted to copy and paste the carepage updates from that website onto this blog. To put it simply: I'm sure it can be done, I just can't figure it out and am too tired to keep trying. That is all in the past anyways, but nevertheless, important information for some who may come across this blog and wonder what I am talking about. So...anyone may still access my care page and postings by going to www.carepages.com and after you register or sign in my care page is: JulieMurrayandbaby.

Its hard to believe this whole story already began over a month ago. Our baby just keeps holding on. Last night I was laying in bed flipping through some pictures on our digital camera and Tim was laying next to me, leaning over to see. Suddenly, I felt Will start to roll around a little and so I put my hand on my stomach. Then he kicked so hard, my hand actually moved. I screamed out of sheer shock and nearly knocked Tim in the face with the camera as both my hands flew up. Then I couldn't stop laughing. Tim couldn't possibly see what was so funny. Of course, this just made it even more hysterical to me...my baby was alive and feisty! I cherish each and every movement, not knowing how long I will be blessed with him. But we pray every day that he continues to be our miracle baby.

The Beginning...

So here it goes...my first official blog. I must admit that I never thought I would begin one of these, but since our friends and loved ones are scattered across the country and I can't possibly be on the phone every second of the day, this seems an easy solution.

I began a care page for our precious baby, William James, just last month after all the complications. I loved how it connected us with everyone and also let people know exactly what was happening. Now I will be able to type with more personality and also post pictures, all while being more cute and stylish than plain old white. Sounds good to me! So this is a trial run, stay tuned for more to come.