Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Making the best of it...

What a day.
I had a whole blog typed up from this afternoon and deleted it, I was so upset it just didn't make sense once I read it over. Too many emotions, too little understanding. But now as I type this I am settled in my hospital room, attached to a monitor that lets us hear Will's heartbeat. Its strong, which makes this even harder...

No good news today. In fact, just a lot of hard decisions that I continue to pray to God that we will not have to make ourselves. Everything is just so complicated, every prognosis is poor. Each doctor we see says the same thing, "I don't envy the situation you guys are in." I know they mean well, but we're looking at some very distressing events that could take place, and sometimes I still can't believe this is all happening to us.

Tonight I said goodbye to my cutie-pie Sophie and cried...she has kept me company for all these weeks. She loves laying in bed and sleeping way more than I do, so it has been such a blessing having her around. As I walked out of our house, it hit me. The next time I walk through that door I will either have lost my child or he will be very sick in the NICU. Either situation sucks. I am a firm believer in miracles and prayers, but am also realistic. Having been without fluid for this long gives him very poor odds. If he does survive he will likely have some sort of disability. 

Tim and I are not ready to deal with that. I can hardly deal with all the information they keep putting on us. This is what I have found out in my first hour of being here: I am anemic, so now I have to take iron. I also have something specific in my blood that makes we prone to blood clots (remember the story of the other pregnant girl in L.A. that I wrote about because she died from that in March? Now it really makes me freak out). Then there are other things I have found out about Will's birth and our choices once he is born or even lack of. Way too much to go into now.

So we ask for your prayers as this whole journey continues to drag out and seemingly get worse. As Tim called it tonight...the miscarriage that just won't end. 

I have prayed so much and know it is out of my hands, so I release it. As I read my devotional this morning there was a line that was perfect for today: "Not my will, but Thine."


Kelly said...

Hi Julie,
I pray for you guys often. I wish I was there to watch a movie with you in the hospital. :) Thanks for keeping us posted via the blog. Thanks for being so honest.

Talk to you soon.
Kelly C'de Baca

Megan Smith said...

You, Tim and Will continue to be in my prayers - I really believe that God has a special plan for Will.

Some MORE suggestions of things to do on bedrest:

Teach Tim to give you a pedicure ;)

Write a children's book!

Become a pen pal - there's a great link on the Audrey Caroline site that has other stories, "just like yours" - I'm sure anyone of those woman would be blessed to have you as a friend and guide.

Search the internet and track the falling housing prices in CA - bummer!

Look online for 1-2 unit classes at your local colleges for continuing eduacation credits. Creative writing perhaps??

Browse for a "little something" that Tim owes you for birthing Will ;) HINT: The Diamonds By the Yard collection is nice...

Well, that's all that comes to me at the moment. Hang in there Julie (and Baby Will too!) Enjoy this "quiet" time cause it won't last forever.