What a day.
I had a whole blog typed up from this afternoon and deleted it, I was so upset it just didn't make sense once I read it over. Too many emotions, too little understanding. But now as I type this I am settled in my hospital room, attached to a monitor that lets us hear Will's heartbeat. Its strong, which makes this even harder...
No good news today. In fact, just a lot of hard decisions that I continue to pray to God that we will not have to make ourselves. Everything is just so complicated, every prognosis is poor. Each doctor we see says the same thing, "I don't envy the situation you guys are in." I know they mean well, but we're looking at some very distressing events that could take place, and sometimes I still can't believe this is all happening to us.
Tonight I said goodbye to my cutie-pie Sophie and cried...she has kept me company for all these weeks. She loves laying in bed and sleeping way more than I do, so it has been such a blessing having her around. As I walked out of our house, it hit me. The next time I walk through that door I will either have lost my child or he will be very sick in the NICU. Either situation sucks. I am a firm believer in miracles and prayers, but am also realistic. Having been without fluid for this long gives him very poor odds. If he does survive he will likely have some sort of disability.
Tim and I are not ready to deal with that. I can hardly deal with all the information they keep putting on us. This is what I have found out in my first hour of being here: I am anemic, so now I have to take iron. I also have something specific in my blood that makes we prone to blood clots (remember the story of the other pregnant girl in L.A. that I wrote about because she died from that in March? Now it really makes me freak out). Then there are other things I have found out about Will's birth and our choices once he is born or even lack of. Way too much to go into now.
So we ask for your prayers as this whole journey continues to drag out and seemingly get worse. As Tim called it tonight...the miscarriage that just won't end.
I have prayed so much and know it is out of my hands, so I release it. As I read my devotional this morning there was a line that was perfect for today: "Not my will, but Thine."