As I sit here and begin to cramp, I don't want to think of what the doctors might say if we roll into the hospital tonight or this weekend. Sometimes I have these little episodes of cramping for about an hour and then nothing happens...unless, you count when I start to cry and lose my mind because I feel like I am being teased on this emotional roller coaster. But I usually get over it pretty quickly. One thing I realized after being poked at and stuck with needles in the multiple visits to the doctor and ER is that I am really a wimp. So say prayers for Tim for when I actually do go into labor...because it isn't going to be pretty.
But as much as I pray and cry to God I feel like most of my personal prayers have gone unanswered. Not unheard. Just unanswered, and its not uncommon for me to feel this way. I am big believer in signs. Like the weekend after I was released from the hospital, my mom and I went shopping at some little shops in downtown Rockford by our new house. Very quaint. Very cute. I entered some drawing for a prize and mumbled under my breath, "I could really use to win something right now"...as I put my name in the fishbowl. The next day the lady called telling me I had won.
Now, let's get something straight. I never win anything. Never. Especially something that I had wanted to buy but decided to wait "just in case." When I picked up the prize (Cucina kitchen soap and lotion for next to the sink) I actually asked the woman if my mom had paid her or called and told her our story. She just looked at me like I was crazy. So I thanked her and left. Needless to say, I felt like God had his hand in that, his way of saying that I really needed to keep the faith.
Well, this morning I got another sign. We hadn't been seeing the deer much this past week. This morning Tim and I were eating breakfast (later than usual because he had a professional test) and out through the woods walked a doe and her new baby. It was the cutest thing. He was so small, Sophie looked like she would have been bigger. As much as I have seen of the wildlife out here, I have never seen a baby that small, even when I was younger. How could I not take that as a sign? I don't know exactly what it means...but, it brought me peace. Any other day I would have missed it, Tim leaves so early that I go back to sleep. But today it was meant to be.
Peace is something I have needed. This week I felt funny physically, not sick, but not myself. Its probably all this laying around I am doing. Its doing a job on me mentally. And then you mix in the excessive bleeding and slight cramps, well, who knows. Six weeks ago I was praying for this all to be over as soon as possible. We all know that never happened. There are moments when I still pray that, when I get so sick of feeling crappy and not being able to do anything fun or productive. Then there are moments when I think that we have made it this far, so what is a few more weeks. This Friday I will be 24 weeks, 15% viability for the baby...and that is if there was fluid this whole time. But people have survived on a smaller statistic than that.
I just don't want this baby to merely survive though, I want him to thrive and have a healthy life. I have prayed that if Will does come early, that we are not faced with a decision to keep him alive when his quality of life would be poor. Our concerns change with each passing week. So we are grateful for the continued prayers. Many times we pray for something and then it doesn't happen. So we feel let down.
But then there are the times when we think we know what we want to happen and God shocks us, bringing us a blessing we never even considered. This may just be one of those stories.