Friday, May 16, 2008

Speechless...

How does someone know when they are lower than low? When things are so dark you ask yourself, "No seriously, could it possibly get any worse?"

I believe Tim and I have reached the bottom of the barrel per say. As I lay there during the ultrasound this afternoon, on a beautiful sunny day...all I kept thinking is that I should be at my friend's wedding today having a great time with my friends I haven't seen in years. After all, that is why we moved home, to stop missing out on the big events in everyone's life. Instead, on one of the happiest days in her life, I am experiencing one of ~scratch that~ the worst day in my life.

I don't know what to say. Here are the facts.
~No fluid
~Heart beat was good, then was taking periodic dips or slowing down. Inconsistent.
~Chest was filled with the heart and his chest should have been bigger in size. This confirms his lungs are not developing.
~Still breach
~And the suckiest part, they wanted to put me in the hospital starting tonight until I go into labor. That could be tomorrow or 10 weeks from now. Dr. gave Will less than 10% chance of survival and that is if things go as best they can. Which I can't even tell you what that means because there are just too many different factors that will have to come together, like some messed up puzzle.

So I overall, I am speechless. Actually, I know what I want to say but don't dare type it for the world to see. I am striving to keep this PG.

The biggest blow: still no definite answers. We are such a special case. I'm sick of being "special." Doctor wanted to put me in the hospital tonight (its standard at 23 weeks, he said) and stay until I go into labor.
I refused. 
First of all, you just don't go to the doctor and then SURPRISE! you won a trip to the hospital for bedrest for the next several weeks. Second, I at least need some time to get some affairs in order, like pack some clothes and other things to entertain my myself for who knows how long. (What does one do while in the hospital for weeks on end, just waiting to have a baby??)

To rub salt into this gaping wound I will be admitted into the hospital on Friday, May 23. Two days before my 29th birthday over Memorial Day weekend, and over the first actual break from work that Tim has gotten since we moved here. I can't put into words how I feel right now. Angry doesn't begin to cover it. And quite frankly, I think I am allowed. Being home, able to lay with Sophie, has been keeping me sane.

Results of today's visit? I am emotionally drained, physically drained, and hoping that all these medical bills and my inability to work doesn't leave us financially drained as well. I have put so much faith and trust in God these last few weeks. I kept telling myself that if I could just have a good attitude and look to the future after our miscarriage last Sept. that we would be blessed eventually. Did I not suffer enough then? I feel like I am being punished, even though I know better. And I feel that no matter how much we try to do the right thing and be good people, we just can't catch a break...and still, I know better. How do I know better? Because we have been blessed with friends and family (and even strangers) thinking and praying for us when we ourselves are no longer able to do it.

There is much left to say but for now, it seems like enough. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. As soon as we are able to let all this sink it, I will post again.

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