Yesterday was eye opening.
I decided to take a day to pick up the house, do laundry, all that fun stuff. So I never left the house, never actually changed out of my sweat pants and t-shirt...and never will I do that again.
This blog is more to me than just an update for people, it's a sense of therapy that I can provide myself without getting a huge bill from an individual with Dr. posted at the beginning of their name. I've always loved to write and find that doing so is helping me cope with the many things that are going on in our life right now. And even if no one reads this, that is fine with me. In the end, this is my story, my thoughts, my way of leaving evidence that I was here and all of this really happened. A way to write out all of the thoughts in my mind without going crazy with all that is going on with Will...with Tim...and with me.
Yesterday, it really started to hit me what we are facing here. And being the internet savvy person I am, I began to Google different things. This is where the trouble started. See, I never find exactly what I am looking for, and happened to stumble onto someone else's blog that echoed my worst fears. Is there anything worse than losing a baby? Sure. Its tough, but there are so many sad stories out there, and in my eyes I am also worried about my own health as well as the baby's. It may sound selfish, but things are going on with my body that I know are not right, and I don't really have a caring, compassionate doctor checking in on me. I feel abandoned at times. Its a scary place to be.
I haven't expressed a lot of my fears and concerns. Not even to Tim. It's just too much at times (especially for him combined with the new job) and I don't want to worry others. But here's the truth...I am scared more than words can express. And yesterday I found myself on a blog written by a husband out in L.A. There were so many similarities that I found myself sucked into reading the past two months of his blog.
It goes something like this:
He and his wife, Liz, are from Minnesota and moved out to L.A. a few years ago.
They are our age.
They were expecting their first baby.
Liz had low amniotic fluid (a couple weeks later into her pregnancy than I am now) and was put on bed rest at home for 2 weeks and then another 3 weeks in the hospital.
Their daughter was born premature in March via emergency c-section.
The next day, as she got up to sit in a wheelchair to hold her daughter for the first time she passed out.
Next thing they know, Liz has died because she developed a pulmonary embolism while being on bedrest.
Now a new father must raise a daughter on his own and come to terms with losing his high school sweetheart.
Needless to say, by the time Tim got home I was a mess. Not only because of their tragedy but because my own sadness and fears have been stuffed down deep inside, and this time I just couldn't keep them there. They exploded out with force. I cried for the husband, Matt, and their beautiful baby. And that is when I decided that each day I have, I will not take it lightly. That is the way we lived out in CA, never knowing if a deployment would take Tim away for good. So we lived it up, and somehow since moving here we have succumbed to the mundaness that life can sometimes dish up if you aren't careful.
Sure, we're going through a lot. Of course, the baby stress and my health. But we are also getting adjusted to Tim's new work schedule of 70 hour work weeks, a new (much slower) life in Michigan for me, and also just the fact that we are surrounded by family again...realizing that while we were away so much did change back here. Not anything cool, like new radio stations or clothing styles, but the things that really matter~people and relationships. For years it was just the two of us. Now we barely see each other, or we have company on the weekends when we are together...and I miss him. And I think we are both grieving and celebrating our new life at the same time, not really being able to see where it is we are going.
And for right now, that is okay, as long as we can recognize just what it is we are dealing with. I am grateful for our new home, for the support of loved and cherished people all over this country that are helping to carry us through this. I am grateful for this situation, as awful as it has been, that has allowed me to grow in compassion for others and be able to relate better in so many ways. In the end, its all about growing as a person, right? And we all know that is never easy if you truly do it right.