Monday, June 9, 2008

Day 12

Today I borrowed a laptop from the hospital to see if my "problems" with the internet could be blamed on my Mac...for some reason I cannot enter my blog, email, or ebay on my personal computer. Go figure. At least I am able to get into everything with their computer, so it should be interesting trying to figure out how to fix that little problem.

I feel so behind in updates because I wasn't able to update everything over the weekend. I have been making due with my diet changes and dealing with getting my fingers poked 4 times a day. I really feel for diabetic people. Chalk that up as one more thing I can relate to now. It actually hurts, so needless to say with that and then my shots, I am getting really sick of people poking and hurting me and I haven't even thought about the C-section yet to come...yikes. Saturday was not a good day at all after they told me, and besides, I had a blood sugar level crash after the test and it completely wiped me out. After Tim left for the night, I completely fell apart.

I had a little discussion with God (I did most of the talking) and I told him how disappointed I was with everything that was going on. That I was mad and I didn't understand what to do or how to handle everything any more. Because let's face it; He's really been dishing it to me lately. Not only am I dealing with the emotional aspect of all the possibilities that lay ahead, I am hurting physically, and we are getting hit financially as well. No one should be laying in a hospital bed, unable to work, and then have to open bills from something that isn't even finished yet. It takes a huge leap of faith to hope that insurance is handling everything and that two months from now I won't open the mailbox and get a bill for $20,000. Those are some of the other things weighing on our minds besides Will and his outcome.

Of course, as I sat there and just spilled everything out, a storm raged outside. Very fitting. The lightening lit up my room and I could feel the thunder through my body, it fit exactly how I felt. But after I cried and yelled, I started to feel at peace again. And just like the storm, my anger slowly calmed. I had reached my limit and I told God exactly that. It was a release. The next day I woke up to sunshine and know that this too shall pass. My storm isn't over yet, it may not be over for a long time...but I know it won't last forever. I have faith that this too shall pass.

So today, I decided to entertain myself by making a paper chain (like kids make as a countdown for Christmas) that starts from today, Week 26 Day 3, and goes to Week 34.

It took FOREVER...so much for that great idea. Once I got all those rings put together I just stared dumbly at it, realizing how many days I could be in this room. Good grief. And the positive? At least it took nearly a day to create, one more day down!

So I'll end with one of my favorite prayers:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference."

2 comments:

Megan Smith said...

Glad you're "back up and running!" You are too cute with your paper chain...I hope you are taking some pictures cause Will would LOVE to see his Mommy making paper crafts ;)

Talked to some friends of mine who've had preemies - they had 2 sites/organizations to recommend that should be nationwide:

Social Security Web site at http://www.socialsecurity.gov/applyfordisability. Or you can call 1-800-772-1213 (TTY 1-800-325-0778) and ask for the publication, Supplemental Security Income. Babies under 3 pounds are VERY likely to qualify.

Sidelines High Risk Pregnancy Support National Office P.O. Box 1808
Laguna Beach, CA 92652

Telephone: (888) HI-RISK4 or (888) 447-4754
Fax: (949) 497-5598
E-mail: sidelines@sidelines.org
Website: Sidelines National Support Network website

PS...At school, when the year is lagging, we don't count the days or weeks left, but the Mondays...those are the worst. SO - instead of 8 weeks, only 8 more Mondays...not so bad, huh?!

Beth Read said...

Julie,
Checking your updates has become part of my daily e-mail checking routine....you have such an eloquent way with your words. And the paper chain thing was a great idea, I remember how much fun that used to be! We had one wrapped all the way around our Christmas tree every year for as long as I can rembember. Keep up that creative energy!
Hugs to you!
Beth:)