Friday, June 13, 2008

Day 16

What is it with Fridays?

I woke up this morning just feeling funny again. As I laid there, my stomach attached to the monitor listening to Will's heartbeat, I just started thinking...what is to come of it all? Some days, I feel like I am standing in front of a closed door. I can't open it yet, because it isn't time, but I can still wonder what is on the other side.

Will it be something that allows me to be happy again or will it be a monster lurking, like in the horror movies?
Will I look back and think how stupid I was to have so much hope, or realize that I didn't have enough?

Who knows. I don't have a crystal ball. This is one time I really wish that I did. And I wish that things could be different. It is hard to watch life go by my window and not be a part of it. To see cars go by and wonder why I can't be having a wonderful pregnancy like all my friends. I should be enjoying this new Michigan life that we have waited years to have...enjoying my dog, our new house, preparing for Will's new life.

I'll be honest in saying that I really feel cheated right now. Cheated out of so many things other than just a healthy, joyous pregnancy. The weather has been a good indicator of my emotions...overcast with sudden downpours, then sunshine. Very unpredictable and beautiful at the same time. And of course, some days are better than others. This day is just hard...and then I read your notes, prayers, and emails and it gives me that extra shove that I need so desperately in here.

I came across this poem in my devotion today that pretty much sums it up:

Is it raining little flower?
Be glad of the rain;
Too much sun would wither thee;
'Twill shine again.

The clouds are very black, 'tis true;
But just behind them shines the blue.

Art thou weary, tender heart?
Be glad of pain;
In sorrow sweetest virtues grow,
As flowers in rain.
God watches, and thou wilt have sun,
when clouds their perfect work have done.
Lucy Larcom

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