Thursday, June 26, 2008

Day 29

All I can think about today is what I am going to eat once I am no longer diabetic. I was just checking out some of my friends' blogs, including one that features awesome cupcakes from a friend I taught with in CA...Kelly's blog: Once Upon a Cupcake and the cupcakes she has made (or rather looking at the pictures) is enough to make me want to pull out my hair...they look so good. Yes, I like to torture myself by looking at pictures of things I cannot eat!

Nothing is worse than being hungry when you are pregnant, especially when craving all sorts of food that I cannot have, whether its fresh fruit or chocolate. Today I am starving and its making me go crazy. And just now I realized that I have a huge bag of chex mix stashed beside my bed that I had given to me before all the tests were done...I'm thinking that my self control might be waning today. I gave in last week and started to bite into a nutty bar, only to get a knock on my door...I jumped out of my skin and tossed the half eaten dessert into the drawer beside my bed out of sheer panic and guilt. How pathetic.

Okay, I need distractions. Ha, those are running few and far between. Yesterday was so boring and the weather was bad, so I never made it outside. Today the weather is nasty again, but I don't care if I get wheeled around the hospital~I HAVE to get out of this room. My latest time-wasting habit has been visiting all of the websites of my favorite stores (which are all having big sales right now), filling up my shopping cart, and the closing the window. Its nice to pretend that I will actually have a life again where I can wear something other than pajamas and live in a real house!

An answer to my prayers: a distraction. My favorite doctor just left my room and we discussed scheduling a c-section. So, about 2 weeks from tomorrow, they will pick a day for the following week. We're getting closer! I want this time to come so badly, yet it scare me to death. I just don't want the next phase to be a whole new ordeal...I just can't pray any harder. This may sound terrible, but I either hope its all or nothing. "All" meaning that Will needs some monitoring but is going to be healthy overall...or "nothing" meaning that if he is sick or severely disabled that God takes him home quickly with as little suffering as possible...

Of course, I want it all...

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