Typing these posts helps, but many times I find I don't feel completely comfortable typing what I really feel, what I really want to say. It was the same when Tim was deployed, I would keep it together, have some slight outbursts when things got tough. But at the end of the day, my closet was the only place I would allow myself to break down. It was in the closet where I would find one of his old t-shirts, hold it to my face and breathe in. Laying down on the floor, among all of his clothes I would finally allow myself to let go and be overcome with my grief and worry in muffled sobs.
Because let's be honest, people don't want to see that. And most certainly don't know what to even say or do.
Well, I don't have a closet here. But I do have the shower...and today, for the first time, I allowed myself to really cry. I hadn't planned on it, it just sort of happened. Each day has been a little more challenging and today when I looked in the mirror, I did a double take.
Who was that person?
It certainly wasn't something I wanted to see; the pale skin, bruises on both sides of my belly and legs from my daily shots, and worn face. Good grief. I completely lost it...and it felt great.
Most of the time, I'm doing okay...but today I wasn't, so why lie? God knows. God has a plan. I'm the one in the dark, who wouldn't freak out now and then? But I don't have to sit here and pretend to everyone else that things are just fine. He knows, and I know that He wants me to allow myself to succumb to this whole experience and simply trust him. But pretending to be fine only gets in the way...and how does that solve anything? And then I realized that I am being transformed...and that is almost always a painful process. That is why many people fight it, refuse to change, and deny to accept what is laid before them.
Then I read my devotional this morning. It wasn't some miracle. Reading it didn't take all of my pain and suffering away. But I read a sentence that did bring me some peace...
"Great faith must have great trials."
So right now I am at a loss for words. All I can think to do is pray. Just trying to make sense of so many different things that no one should have to consider...no one should have to endure all at once. But I still have faith. Faith that this too shall pass. That one morning I will be able to leave this hospital and know that I was able to overcome the worst of circumstances, which will give me the courage to face whatever it is God has in store. Whether is be Will's death or his new life...this is preparing me for a plan other than my own.