Monday, June 2, 2008

Looney Tunes...

I am trying so, so hard. But today I am finally losing it.

Typing these posts helps, but many times I find I don't feel completely comfortable typing what I really feel, what I really want to say. It was the same when Tim was deployed, I would keep it together, have some slight outbursts when things got tough. But at the end of the day, my closet was the only place I would allow myself to break down. It was in the closet where I would find one of his old t-shirts, hold it to my face and breathe in. Laying down on the floor, among all of his clothes I would finally allow myself to let go and be overcome with my grief and worry in muffled sobs. 

Because let's be honest, people don't want to see that. And most certainly don't know what to even say or do.

Well, I don't have a closet here. But I do have the shower...and today, for the first time, I allowed myself to really cry. I hadn't planned on it, it just sort of happened. Each day has been a little more challenging and today when I looked in the mirror, I did a double take. 

Who was that person?

It certainly wasn't something I wanted to see; the pale skin, bruises on both sides of my belly and legs from my daily shots, and worn face. Good grief. I completely lost it...and it felt great. 

Most of the time, I'm doing okay...but today I wasn't, so why lie? God knows. God has a plan. I'm the one in the dark, who wouldn't freak out now and then? But I don't have to sit here and pretend to everyone else that things are just fine. He knows, and I know that He wants me to allow myself to succumb to this whole experience and simply trust him. But pretending to be fine only gets in the way...and how does that solve anything? And then I realized that I am being transformed...and that is almost always a painful process. That is why many people fight it, refuse to change, and deny to accept what is laid before them.

Then I read my devotional this morning. It wasn't some miracle. Reading it didn't take all of my pain and suffering away. But I read a sentence that did bring me some peace...

"Great faith must have great trials."

So right now I am at a loss for words. All I can think to do is pray. Just trying to make sense of so many different things that no one should have to one should have to endure all at once. But I still have faith. Faith that this too shall pass. That one morning I will be able to leave this hospital and know that I was able to overcome the worst of circumstances, which will give me the courage to face whatever it is God has in store. Whether is be Will's death or his new life...this is preparing me for a plan other than my own.


Megan Smith said...

I'm a BIG supporter of the occasional breakdown and a good cry, so go for it! ;)God knows you heart, so don't hold it in for Him!

I imagine some days are harder then others, PLUS all those crazy preggo hormones - seriously, what was the Lord thinking? Like you need anymore "triggers" to make you crazy.

I'm praying for you extra hard today, BUT also celebrating one more day that Will is alive! I'm praying that tomorrow in sunny and beautiful and peaceful and full of little "adventures" and GOOD surprises that keep you occupied.

Hang in there Julie OR don't - have a good cry, throw a fit, get mad - God doesn't expect you to always, "hold it together" and neither do we. You are doing an amazing service to Will and we are all so proud of you!

Kelly said...

megan, you said it all perfectly...ditto!

Still praying for you, Julie!

Beth Read said...

Hi Julie,
You are doing great, and you are so amazing for allowing yourself to FEEL and express what is going on inside your heart and mind. If you keep it bottled up, it just becomes a big ugly mess!!

I thought of you as I did my readings yesterday. Here are two verses for you to add to your collection of inspirational scripture...
"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us." Romans 5: 3-5

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18 (I LOVE that one!)

Much love and hugs to you Julie!


Megan Smith said...

Even MORE suggestions for activities during bedrest...

Lift small weights to tone your upper arms - have you ever noticed how buff people who don't have use of their legs are...seriously! ;)

"Move" your furniture...vicarious "nesting." My mother-in-law does this ALL the time. Cut our your "furniture" from construction paper and use graph paper to try out different furniture arrangements. Then, send Tim home to get to work ;)

Brew your own beer...

Give your visitors make can they say now to a preggo lady on bedrest. PS - give them BAD makeovers so they leave the hospital and everyone laughs :)

Put together a list of recipes you've always wanted to try (check out & send them home with friends and family to cook for you.

Play, "I spy..."

Put together a "photo scavanger hunt" for your visitors. Send them around the area taking pictures of things you miss most...doggie, grass, favorite restaurant.

Order things off the internet from Pottery Barn and Nordstroms. I LOVE internet shopping and even if you don't need the items both shops have free shipping (both to you and return) so you can just keep buying and sending!

Make you visitors bring you an item from their house that they aren't using anymore and sell it on ebay. I JUST bought my 1st ebay item...I know, I'm WAY behind the times...what fun :)

OK - that's it for now...I'll keep thinking. Hope today is a much better day - sunny perhaps!