Friday, June 20, 2008

Ultra Sound day...

Today started with my ultrasound. I really like the technician who does them here at the hospital, she is super nice and explains a lot to me. This morning I set out with realistic expectations and know that I get emotional when I see Will on the screen. It makes this whole nightmare so much more real.

This ultrasound today was mainly to measure growth. The good news is, Will weighs about 2 lbs. 5 oz. which is right on. His lungs are at the 20th percentile and his heart at the 60th. The doctors don't like looking at these numbers much though because they can be so inaccurate. There is still no fluid and he is still breach. He is looking to my left side with his hands curled up by his face. His little bottom is down by my cervix with one of this little feet stomping right there. That explains the soreness and pressure sort of like cramping...sooooo, not cool! His other leg is up by his head, yes, my child is currently doing the splits. Very strange. Had me concerned he is going to come out all bendy like Gumby himself, but the doctor told me it isn't a big deal.

Even though there isn't any "new" bad news, there wasn't much good either. I'm just looking for some sort of sign. So when the doctor gave me a 3 hour pass to go and leave the hospital today, I should have been happy, right? Nope. I had a major breakdown, thank goodness I was with my mom. I now can relate to when Tim would come home after a deployment and got a glimpse of what he may felt like....

It was nice to get out. Harder to go back. I just want to have a life again. If they were giving me hope for Will, it would be easy to do this. A no brainer. This is what I basically told my mom today, as I laid in the beautiful shady back yard swinging in the hammock...

I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but honestly, I have already had more than I can handle at times. My breakdowns and anger are proof of that, because that isn't me. It isn't who I am...these last 11 weeks have pushed me to the brink. So how can I possibly even begin to imagine what might happen once Will arrives. I don't know where I will find the strength to learn this new life. I know the day I checked in here my life as I knew it wouldn't be the same. And no matter what happens, I do know one fact; I will not give birth to a completely healthy baby and leave the hospital with him a few days later...and I just don't know what to do anymore or how to prepare. Bottom line is, I am already at my limit and can't possibly handle anymore.

I would say the hardest part of this whole experience has been keeping a positive attitude for so many ups and downs and also for such a long time. We all have hard times, this just seems like it is lasting for so long. I try to remember that I am not alone (even though I feel very alone at times) and that I need to have faith and continue hope. Most days I do well with this. Then on certain days I wonder what is so different. Then I remember my favorite poem when I was a teenager called "Footprints" where at the end a man looks back over his trials and questions God because he only sees one set of footprints in the sand. God replies that all through his life he has walked beside this man, but during his most troubling times, when he sees only one set of footprints, that is when God carried him...

I need to feel carried today. Does that make sense? I need to feel the comfort and peace that I have been seeking for so long. God provides it through so many different ways, one of them is through the continued prayers and messages from so many people. All those things, which may seem so insignificant, help to carry me through each and every day I spend in this little room...

1 comment:

Beth Read said...

Wow! Two pounds, five ounces. That is wonderful news.... Julie you are doing a great job, and if you didn't have these feelings and ups and downs like you are having, then that would probably be abnormal. One quote that I love is "The will of God will never take us where the grace of God will not protect us." So while you are being led into a very uncomfortable and challenging time, you are so right that God is right there with you. There is only one set of footprints.... Now just to lighten things up a little... if God is carrying you through this, do you think he is giving you a piggy back ride? are you riding on his shoulders? Or is he dragging you like a cave man drags his woman by her hair? Maybe God has a sick sense of humor! Tell Him to knock it off!