Thursday, July 10, 2008

emotional wreck

Haven't written in a few days because I really don't know what to say...or how to say it. I'm torn between writing how I really feel and then also just blowing things off like I usually do. Also, the last few days have just been plain hard...

Now I realize that pregnant women get emotional, but it never really hit me that hard until this week. At least that is what I am hoping is my problem. Add the crazy hormones, plus the time spent in this room and what you get is a complete mess of a person. That would be me.

I can't get a grip...and realized just how bad it was when I looked at my breakfast tray and saw they messed it up again by forgetting one of my sacred carbs and putting nasty eggs on top of the one piece of french toast they did remember. So I started to cry. Good grief.

Now, after my last posting the neonatologist stopped by for another consult. He slipped out a number of the chest measurements from the ultrasound that everyone else failed to mention (they didn't want to upset me). On all the other ultrasounds, Will has had a chest circumference in the 20th percentile...which isn't too bad. Yesterdays number dropped down to the 5th percentile, which is terrible.

I'm trying to still keep positive and faithful that God has a plan. But I won't lie, it is such a challenge to see the glass as half full at the moment. So many things have gone so badly since we moved home, I don't know or understand why all this had to fall on us so quickly. This is not how I wanted to start this new chapter in our lives. I look around at all the other women on this floor...addicted to drugs, smoking, not even 18, completely incapable of taking care of a child...and yet they go home with babies. Where is God in that?

The doctors are now prepping me that this whole hospital stay may have been a futile effort, but end with saying that at least we know we did everything possible to give him a fighting chance. "We didn't do anything" what I think. This has been up to God the entire time and it still is.

I'm not giving up on Will that easy...because until he comes out and we all see what is actually going on, its not over yet.

1 comment:

Megan Smith said...

NOT TRUE, NOT TRUE, NOT TRUE! You are doing the BEST thing possible for Will, the ONLY thing that you can do and the ONE thing that really gives Will any hope - you have trusted him to the Lord!!!! That's the most amazing thing that ANY parent can do - regardless of the baby's health - but also the hardest thing to do.

Also, do you remember the odds the Dr.'s gave you of Will's survival when your water broke at 18 weeks??? Makes that 5 percentile look pretty good, huh? ;)

I can't imagine what you are feeling or how you are so gracefully and faithfully handling this situation, BUT we won't let you give up Julie. God is NEVER going to give up on you (or Will) so don't give up on Him. He resurrected from the dead for goodness sakes - he CAN heal Will (in spite of the odds) if it is HIS Will. Try not to be discouraged by human numbers and statistics - Dr.'s are wrong...they've been wrong ALOT in this case!

To end, a funny story about pregnancy hormones:

I was REALLY, REALLY, INCREDIBLY sick the 1st 5 months of my pregnancy - I would projectile vomit (seriously, like feet of vomit) EVERYTHING...I lost 7 pounds! SO, I finally start to feel better one evening and I feel SO bad about neglecting Ryan who's been so patient and taken this whole thing in stride. I decide I'll cook him dinner - this is a HUGE step since the sight/smell of water has been known to make me ill. I pop a beautiful California Pizza Kitchen pizza in the oven and work on making him a nice salad. 40 minutes later, he comes home and I'm "glowing," I'm so proud of my wifely skills! The oven "dings" and I ask him to take the pizza out of the oven while I finish setting the table - good china and everything! When he starts laughing a few minutes later I run into the kitchen to see my pizza ruined! In all my preggo glory, I has forgotten to remove the cardboard wrapping, which had baked into the pizza - beautiful. Despite my best efforts the pizza was ruined - we tried everything: cutting out the was awful. Enter preggo hormones and I spent the next hour sobbing while Ryan tried, really hard, to comfort me and not laugh. It was SO ridiculous - and I knew it! - but I couldn't pull myself together. We had a lovely dinner of take-out mexican food on our fancy china. :)

Continuing to pray for your Julie - for your health, for a miracle for Will and for faith, peace and courage.