Haven't written in a few days because I really don't know what to say...or how to say it. I'm torn between writing how I really feel and then also just blowing things off like I usually do. Also, the last few days have just been plain hard...
Now I realize that pregnant women get emotional, but it never really hit me that hard until this week. At least that is what I am hoping is my problem. Add the crazy hormones, plus the time spent in this room and what you get is a complete mess of a person. That would be me.
I can't get a grip...and realized just how bad it was when I looked at my breakfast tray and saw they messed it up again by forgetting one of my sacred carbs and putting nasty eggs on top of the one piece of french toast they did remember. So I started to cry. Good grief.
Now, after my last posting the neonatologist stopped by for another consult. He slipped out a number of the chest measurements from the ultrasound that everyone else failed to mention (they didn't want to upset me). On all the other ultrasounds, Will has had a chest circumference in the 20th percentile...which isn't too bad. Yesterdays number dropped down to the 5th percentile, which is terrible.
I'm trying to still keep positive and faithful that God has a plan. But I won't lie, it is such a challenge to see the glass as half full at the moment. So many things have gone so badly since we moved home, I don't know or understand why all this had to fall on us so quickly. This is not how I wanted to start this new chapter in our lives. I look around at all the other women on this floor...addicted to drugs, smoking, not even 18, completely incapable of taking care of a child...and yet they go home with babies. Where is God in that?
The doctors are now prepping me that this whole hospital stay may have been a futile effort, but end with saying that at least we know we did everything possible to give him a fighting chance. "We didn't do anything"...is what I think. This has been up to God the entire time and it still is.
I'm not giving up on Will that easy...because until he comes out and we all see what is actually going on, its not over yet.