Thursday, July 31, 2008

moments


A long time ago, I learned that you can live without a person...I guess that comes from the reality of war and watching others have to do exactly that in the military. 
Carry on, even when they probably feel like dying. 

Even so, each day has been a struggle. A struggle to get out of bed, to be motivated about anything, to gradually work ourselves back into society.

I guess what gets me is that I know I can live without Will...
I don't want to~but I will...
I'm just not prepared to live an entire lifetime without him...

So just like one of Tim's deployments, this time without him is broken down into days. 
Weeks and months are unfathomable. To think that far ahead is overwhelming and unimaginable. So Tim and I go day by day. This week there have been bad days, but there have also been tolerable days. We are finding our new routine. For Tim it is work, for me...it is healing and surrounding myself with friends and family.

The cards and support have been pouring in. This helps Tim and I tremendously to see how many lives Will reached without even leaving the NICU. 
What we hear most is how many people prayed for a miracle, that they didn't understand why God would take such a beautiful baby from us, and that many prayed harder for Will than anything else in a long time...You and me both.

We all seem let down that there wasn't a complete miracle...that Will didn't just pop out with lungs and shock all those who gave him a grim prognosis...then it occurred to me.

What if the 52 hours we got with Will was the miracle?

As his mother, I'll be selfish in saying aloud this is not what I prayed for...but I also have to change my thinking, because way back when they didn't even know if he would make it long after the delivery. 
I was prepared for them to bring him to me in recovery saying there was nothing they could do.

But instead, we got to see him for two more days...
that is more than some parents get.
And when he passed, Tim and I were there, holding him and comforting him...
and that is more than many parents get to do.

So, one day at a time...one moment at a time. 
We know there will good and bad of both for awhile...
Two weeks ago today we had the best moment of our lives. I'll focus on that.
But I have also come to accept that there will continue to be times when I just sit and cry.
And then moments where I am able to move forward.

But I just miss my baby, that is all there is to it.

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