This week has been a blur of tears, preparing for today, and getting settled back into the house. I can't help but think that never in a million years would I have guessed the first gathering in my new house would be celebrating the short life of Will. That is hardest. We had such big dreams for this house and our new lives here.
I'm trying to get used to this new life; waking up in the middle of the night in tears, wandering around the house attempting to do something useful...learning to breathe again. Leaving the house is crappy. I wish that I could wear a t-shirt that says, "Don't ask me how my day is going, I just lost my baby." But instead I just attempt to smile and say that I am fine to the stranger at the store.
I hate lying...but know that I will be doing it for a long time.
All week I've wanted to write, so many thoughts are going through my head, but I just can't make sense of anything yet. I'm still trying to see the silver cloud lining through the tears and heartache. I know the only thing that will help is time.
For weeks all I could do was pray for Will and a miracle that his lungs were developing. That he would come home with us.
What do I pray for nowadays? Not sure...
That someday we'll be happy again.
That maybe one night soon I will have a dream and will see the baby I can't stop thinking about when I am awake...