Thursday, August 7, 2008

3 weeks

Oh, how things have changed since 3 weeks ago today...

Tim and I have been doing a good job this week of making sure only 1 of us is a complete wreck while the other is having a decent day. My insane days were Monday and Tuesday, while Tim followed with yesterday and today...the day we both completely lose it...well, then we'll really be in trouble.

My eagerly-anticipated charm arrived yesterday...something that I had found while searching on the internet months ago in the hospital. Two of my best girlfriends made sure that this handmade charm found its way to me (they are awesome). It simply has Will engraved on the front and 7.17.08 on the back. I tried to take pictures to post, but my camera wouldn't focus on the tiny letters. Regardless, if you see me, you'll see the necklace because it will be around my neck every single day.

Anyways, I needed a chain for it. So I went to the mall. Was doing fine, trying on different things...and then the old women helping me asked,

"Is Will the name of a person?...Or a desire?"

I know I looked down as tears filled my eyes and I said,


Crap. It was the way she asked that made me cry...who uses the word desire anyway? Nothing left to do but explain. Explain how he was born 3 weeks ago today and then died two days later...and how much I desired for him to be here with me now. Her eyes filled with tears, and I knew she felt terrible...time for me to get out of there. I thanked her and decided I'd had enough of the mall for today.

What is up with making so many people cry all the time? 
My nurses, sales people, my family, and I even made Tim cry at work the other day.
So not cool. I'm use to making people laugh at what I say...not cry.

And I'm also not use to asking so many questions in my head. Trying to make sense of Will's death and why it happened is like trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, it just isn't going to happen. Its made me do a lot of searching. And, ask a lot of questions.
Both of which made me question myself and if I was lacking faith.
But now I see that my faith has increased through these questions and this hardship. And while cleaning out some boxes this week I came across a book I had bought years ago and wasn't ready to read.
Until today.

Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell...

I won't say much about it, other than it has made me feel that asking these sorts of questions was, scratch that-IS, okay...

There are many things I don't put on this blog but they still roll around in my head.
Like how I cry in the shower and swear aloud to no one in particular because this sucks.
And ask why when I see teenagers smoking while toting around a baby carrier.
And why do decent, good people always seem to have bad things happen to them.
How come Will only lived 52 hours, most of which I spent sleeping...if only I would have known...why didn't I know? Where was my "mother's intuition"?
And wonder why my baby was taken after we already suffered so much after the loss in September.
And why all the drug addicts I saw in the hospital take home babies and I went home empty handed...

And then I also ask myself,
"Is it worse to stare at a shadow box containing your husband's military medals and the folded flag that covered the coffin, or a shadow box with pictures of your newborn and the tiny bracelet and knit cap he wore for mere hours?"

Too many questions.

I don't have any of the answers. And I won't understand in this life. 
But I do know that my life could be so very different right now...
at least I have an amazing husband who is here to go through this with me...
and so I have to take comfort in knowing that God is so much bigger than any of us can ever begin to imagine.

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