Thursday, August 28, 2008

6 weeks

Thursday was my last follow-up doctors appointment.

I woke up all emotional (then I realized it would have been Will's 6 week birthday). It was my last appointment. A sign that things were moving on...time passing.
As I was leaving the hospital afterwards, I saw someone who I didn't expect to see at all. The Neo doctor that was with us for Will's last day. I caught up with him to tell him thank you and how much I appreciated everything he tried to do. He got tears in his eyes and I honestly don't know how I kept it together. Sometimes I feel numb. Like my brain goes on auto...and I must look so unemotional.

But that is so far from the truth.
I wanted to go home and throw something to see it shatter into a million pieces...
so I could see something as broken as I felt.
I am so glad I got to see him. But it was really hard...and I have been super sad ever since.

I left there to meet some of my nurse friends for lunch. They helped to cheer me up as always. As I left there I was still sad but not like before. I went home and grabbed the mail and saw we had missed the delivery of a certified letter.

From the Marine Corp Mobilization Command.

My heart skipped a beat and I felt like I could melt into a puddle on the ground. That good feeling I had when I left from having lunch instantly disappeared. There are moments like these when I just want to scream, "Seriously?!?!? Leave me alone...go pick on someone else!!" I don't know if I am talking to God or just the world and life in general. All I know is that this was the last thing in the world I needed. Sometimes I just don't get it.

How utterly crappy would that be? To have Tim recalled back into the Marines and have him leave? I couldn't stop thinking about it and decided to go get the letter myself. Got to the post office and saw the letter. Took it out to the car and just held it praying that it wasn't what I thought it was.

It was an update letter for Tim, either to stay in the inactive reserves or resign his commission.
Nothing like a good scare tactic from the government.

So now its Friday and I am still mad at the world. Have been ever since yesterday and my frustration has seemed to intensify. Picked up some article on bereavement the hospital gave me and found that anger is a justifiable symptom of this whole thing.

Well good. Because I am pissed.
Thank goodness we're off to Chicago today...
I'll fit right in with all the angry city people.

1 comment:

Megan Smith said...

When you have a minute - check out the posting on Audrey Caroline's website about Angie and the pitcher (as in a water pitcher). Always praying for you and sending you comforting hugs! You never cease to amaze me Julie -you are incredible.