Monday, August 11, 2008

Homesick


Laying in bed last night, Tim and I were about to watch the last episode on our Entourage DVD...

The last of the steri-strips covering my incision were coming off, so I just removed them and we stared at the scar on my stomach. Its the only scar on my body and its a lot bigger than I had expected. Tim asked me, "Is it worth it?" and then he answered..."of course it is."

I was thinking it but just couldn't say anything. 
Instant sadness. Instant tears.
And at moments like that it gets so overwhelming. Waking up this morning it still is. 
Mornings are overwhelming. I want to pull the sheets over my head and go back to sleep...because when I am sleeping, I don't have to think about reality.

They say that starting a new job is as stressful as someone dying. So what does that do to your mind and body when you really do have the stress of a new job (Tim), and your first child dies, and you have just moved 2000 miles across the country?

I am finding myself in a very strange position. So glad we moved home, yet missing the routine...the familiarity.... of our lives in California. I have no sense of normal here yet. 
Nothing to do with my time, nothing to go back to as far as a job.
This also makes me grieve the life I thought I was beginning here...
Grieve the loss of Will and the hope we had in him.

School is right around the corner. I am left with only one option right now...Substitute teach.
Not thrilling.
Literally, even more depressing.

Like I said. Monday and Tuesday morning are really hard. A brand new week, that I don't want to start...So today I am heading down to Toledo for a few days to get out of here. Tim works insane hours anyways, so I might as well see some family...and yet its still hard to leave this house. 
Lonely as it is.

This feeling is so surreal. It is like a dream, that this can't really be it...this can't be my life now...it wasn't supposed to be like this.
I tried to explain it to Tim. Its like the saying, "Home is where your heart is..."
This feeling is literally like being so, so homesick that I can't even function.
Because my heart is with Will.

And I always find myself thinking the same question...
What am I supposed to do now?

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