Friday, August 1, 2008

Losing it.

Today is by far the hardest day I've had since Will's death.
I don't know why or how this day is any different than those that came before, it just is.

Maybe its just that I can't help but thinking we were so close to the end of the pregnancy, or that today I would have been 34 weeks, or that now it is August and I would have been due next month.

That is what makes the death of Will so painful, all the crushed hopes and dreams of our future. As Tim and I lay talking last night I told him for the first time in my life I couldn't picture anything for our future. He described it best...

When we left California (and even before) we had a whole picture in our minds drawn out on a page, things and dreams that we were looking forward to...plans for our new family.
Two weeks ago that page in our book was torn out, leaving only a view of a new page. Completely blank and stark white. Waiting to be filled up again...but we aren't ready.

So today I didn't want to, but I had to get out of the house. During this time I realized just how foggy my mind has gotten. I stopped to get gas and pulled the car up on the wrong side where there is no gas tank. Ugh. Honest mistake...well, I pulled around and then did the same thing on the other side of the pump. And then again. It just wasn't clicking in my head. The people at the gas station must have thought I was completely insane. I was so disgusted with myself that I just gave up and drove home (without getting the gas). Why am I actually admitting to this embarrassment? I have no idea...maybe because I don't know whether to laugh or cry at how stupid that is.

All I know is that losing Will is making me lose my mind.

4 comments:

The Davani Family said...

Ugh.
I'm sure there are so many friends and family reading this blog but are at a loss for words -- don't know what to say. I don't either.

What a PRECIOUS gift Will was -- so incredibly beautiful - I've shared his story/picture with many of my friends/family & neighbors. Nothing I can say will take away your pain -- but PLEASE KNOW we continue to love and pray for you both. How frustrating for me that that's all I can do for you Julie...

I guess it's in times like this we have to believe (big time faith) that God IS faithful and there with us every second -- I pray that God make His presence known to you -- that you actually FEEL His presence and comfort.

Keep sharing... and tell us how we can help or more specifically pray for you guys, okay?

Deepest hugs,
Diane

Christine Spaulding said...

Hi Julie,
I wish I had the words to make things better, but sadly, I do not. I am so proud of you for sharing all your feelings and thoughts!! I know it is not easy to share the painful emotions! You are so brave and remember that God is with you every second of everyday!!! Will is so beautiful and he looks like a little angel! Always know that Will is with our Heavenly Father and someday you will be with him for all eternity!! Will is so blessed to have you as his Mommy and he loves you sooooo much!!! You are amazing Julie and I pray for the Lord to shower you with his love! I love you my friend and I am always here for you!

Love,Blessings,and Prayers,
Christine

David & Connie said...

"Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ." (I Cor 1:3) Praying for Grace and Peace.

Anne E. said...

You are NOT insane, I've done the drive into the gas station thing on the wrong side.... it's OK! Much luv to you and Tim, and looking forward to seeing you in a few days! Love Annie