I don't know why or how this day is any different than those that came before, it just is.
Maybe its just that I can't help but thinking we were so close to the end of the pregnancy, or that today I would have been 34 weeks, or that now it is August and I would have been due next month.
That is what makes the death of Will so painful, all the crushed hopes and dreams of our future. As Tim and I lay talking last night I told him for the first time in my life I couldn't picture anything for our future. He described it best...
When we left California (and even before) we had a whole picture in our minds drawn out on a page, things and dreams that we were looking forward to...plans for our new family.
Two weeks ago that page in our book was torn out, leaving only a view of a new page. Completely blank and stark white. Waiting to be filled up again...but we aren't ready.
So today I didn't want to, but I had to get out of the house. During this time I realized just how foggy my mind has gotten. I stopped to get gas and pulled the car up on the wrong side where there is no gas tank. Ugh. Honest mistake...well, I pulled around and then did the same thing on the other side of the pump. And then again. It just wasn't clicking in my head. The people at the gas station must have thought I was completely insane. I was so disgusted with myself that I just gave up and drove home (without getting the gas). Why am I actually admitting to this embarrassment? I have no idea...maybe because I don't know whether to laugh or cry at how stupid that is.
All I know is that losing Will is making me lose my mind.