Saturday, August 9, 2008

Peace

Waking up today wasn't as painful as its been lately. I actually felt a sense of peace and didn't want to start crying the moment my eyes fell upon Will's picture. Very surprised by this for a number of reasons:
1. Its another Saturday (number 3 to be exact)
2. Tim was heading off to work all day
3. mornings are the worst
and...
4. Tonight is my 10 year high school reunion

Not exactly how I pictured myself going to this thing, in fact, I really don't want to go. Not just for the obvious reasons of being sad and depressed (so much so that both Tim & I are vowing not to drink whatsoever tonight). I know that I am looking rough...or fabulous if people actually knew that I only gave birth by c-section a mere 3 weeks ago.

But without an explanation or baby in sight, most people just think I got a little fat.
So since I am going to be a good sport for some friends, I also gave my best friend permission to talk about me behind my back and tell people so I don't get asked all the uncomfortable questions. 

In our house we call this "damage control."

And then I started thinking about how I really don't have good answers to anything someone might ask me...
"What do you do?" ... uh, nothing. I don't have a job...
"Do you have any kids?"    ...Yes, but...
"Are you still in California?"     ...no, we moved to Rockford (a FAR cry from the OC)...
"So what have you been up to?"   ...where do I begin?...
"What do you plan on doing now?"    ...I have no darn idea...

And the funny thing is...I really don't care. 
I'm indifferent about just about everything. 
Truth be told: I would rather be sitting at home or in the NICU staring at my baby. 
Is that the moment when you know you are a parent...or you want to be and can't?

So now, do I really feel at peace or am I just numb? 
Because this week I have had moments where I swear I am having a mid-life crisis...only way to early.
I pray for some direction...and some purpose.
And also that tonight isn't painful. That I can keep it together.
I'm sure the next post will be interesting regardless...
hopefully it'll be funny. I could use a good laugh.

No comments: