Saturday, August 9, 2008


Waking up today wasn't as painful as its been lately. I actually felt a sense of peace and didn't want to start crying the moment my eyes fell upon Will's picture. Very surprised by this for a number of reasons:
1. Its another Saturday (number 3 to be exact)
2. Tim was heading off to work all day
3. mornings are the worst
4. Tonight is my 10 year high school reunion

Not exactly how I pictured myself going to this thing, in fact, I really don't want to go. Not just for the obvious reasons of being sad and depressed (so much so that both Tim & I are vowing not to drink whatsoever tonight). I know that I am looking rough...or fabulous if people actually knew that I only gave birth by c-section a mere 3 weeks ago.

But without an explanation or baby in sight, most people just think I got a little fat.
So since I am going to be a good sport for some friends, I also gave my best friend permission to talk about me behind my back and tell people so I don't get asked all the uncomfortable questions. 

In our house we call this "damage control."

And then I started thinking about how I really don't have good answers to anything someone might ask me...
"What do you do?" ... uh, nothing. I don't have a job...
"Do you have any kids?"    ...Yes, but...
"Are you still in California?", we moved to Rockford (a FAR cry from the OC)...
"So what have you been up to?"   ...where do I begin?...
"What do you plan on doing now?"    ...I have no darn idea...

And the funny thing is...I really don't care. 
I'm indifferent about just about everything. 
Truth be told: I would rather be sitting at home or in the NICU staring at my baby. 
Is that the moment when you know you are a parent...or you want to be and can't?

So now, do I really feel at peace or am I just numb? 
Because this week I have had moments where I swear I am having a mid-life crisis...only way to early.
I pray for some direction...and some purpose.
And also that tonight isn't painful. That I can keep it together.
I'm sure the next post will be interesting regardless...
hopefully it'll be funny. I could use a good laugh.

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