Friday, August 15, 2008

The sky...

There are so many errands to do...the store, bank, post office...
But I can't bring myself to leave this house. And I really don't care about any of it.

This morning started out fine. But then I look at his picture and I just can't believe this is happening...and nothing I say or do or pray will ever bring him back. 
And I just miss him so much.

A strange thing has happened here. Every single day since Will's birth has been sunny. Sure, it has rained some but then the sky clears and its big and blue and has fluffy white clouds...and all I can think about is Will, laying there in his little blue kimono. 
The blue is the same as the outfit. The blue sky is the same as his eyes.

In Michigan it is never this sunny and perfect for so many days in a row, and then I question if I will ever be able to look at the sky again and not be sad...maybe someday...but not for a really long time.

And so it goes. 
Last night was our first support group at the hospital. It was nice to meet other parents. Someone who understands this unique loss...but all at such different stages. 
Some have lost recently, for others it has been many years. 
All I know is we have such a long journey ahead of us. 
A journey where we will never reach a destination. Because this will never go away, never get better. Not unless I wake up and it was all a bad dream.
I consider this a walk that we will be traveling until our very last moments.

I just wish I could get another moment from those few short hours we had with Will...
one more moment just to hold him. 
To touch his face and pull him close and whisper how much I love him. 
Even just a moment when I was laying pregnant in that hospital bed, just him and me...
and I would touch where is head was and talk to him.
He was such a huge part of me before he was even born.

Instead, all I can do now is look up to that blue sky and hope that he can hear me wherever he is.

1 comment:

Shannon said...

Julie - you said you look up and hope he hears you. As you look up know that Will is hanging out with our precious Lord and our Lord knows your thoughts, words and your heart. He knows the beginning and the end. Through Him, Will knows his precious mom and dad and we will all be reunited for eternity. What an awesome picture and promise. Allow Will to be your strength to venture out and continue on. You all are such a blessing to so many. Know that you are surrounded with love. Love and Hugs - Shannon and Rachel