Thursday, August 14, 2008

Therapy.

I'm back home in G.R.
Sophie and I had a good Midwestern road trip. The openness somewhat cleared my mind and let me have some classic, pre-Will Julie thoughts...such as:

     "Why are the roads called freeways in CA and highways in Michigan? It seems totally backwards to me...because in Michigan they really are freeways with the wide open spaces and the ability to actually use cruise control allows your mind to be free. And then in CA you literally have to be high to have any desire to travel along the "freeways" and not freak out because of all the traffic and rudeness."

Yes. Part of me is coming back to life. Scary.

Getting out of here is just what I needed. Especially after my reunion this weekend (which had a very poor turnout by the way, literally 15 people out my class of 300. Although it was nice to see 2 old friends and then hang out all night with another). 
It was great to see family and be in a different environment in Ohio. I'm also pressing the idea that my Opa, dad, and I should travel to Germany (I want to see just where my family is from) sometime in the near future. Plus, I met some other really great people and...I found the one and only Trader Joe's on my side of the state in Ann Arbor.
I loaded up on the way home. Very exciting. So overall, a successful trip for numerous reasons.

Being back in the house is hard though (even though I was only gone 2 nights it feels like a lot more). Its still and quiet. I walk by what was to be Will's room and get that sick feeling back. Tonight we have our first support/counseling group at the hospital. We'll see how that goes.

Bottom line is I need to get ready to work again. I have to do something for myself and that is to get up, brush off, and begin to do something so I feel useful. I'm not done being sad by any means, but thinking about subbing in a few weeks and doing some other work is going to have to be what gets me out of bed each day.
I'm not avoiding grieving with Will, but I can't sit around all day holding his picture and crying either.

He would want me not only to live, but to enjoy life like he never got the chance to do.
That much I owe him.

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