Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Tuesday.


I can't stop crying.

Yesterday was bad, today is even worse...

About 5 different blogs have been written, but I just can't bring myself to post them...my words are a mix of grief, anger, and rambling. Its safe to say that this mourning process has gone from the stage of shock & disbelief...to anger. Not where I want to be, but here I am non-the-less.

This morning I attempted to leave the house and do some stuff. Got about a mile down the road and turned around, went home, put on my bathrobe (over my clothes), laid in bed and cried...a lot. 

Looking through Will's scrap book, I just can't believe he's gone. I think about how hard I worked to make his little body. All the nasty hospital food I literally choked down just to help him gain weight, the pills, the months of bed rest, the shots, not drinking any caffeine for nearly 6 months...
I tried so, so hard. And now all those things seem so trivial.

And now that little body is gone. I can never see or hold him again in this lifetime. 
It is now ashes that sit on top of the armoire in a heart-shaped urn next to his pictures...
It is no bigger than a paperweight.
All I can keep doing is asking myself...
"what am I supposed to do now?"

The only answer I get is...grieve...
I have no distractions, no excuses, no way to put this off. So now the only thing I am supposed to do, all that I can do, is grieve the loss of Will.
And it is a tremendous loss.

2 comments:

Vieira said...

Julie

I am so sorry. We continue to pray for you and Tim. I wish the pain would go away. We pray that God show you peace and bring you comfort.

In Christ,
Kerrie

Beth Read said...

Julie, I am so proud of you for your strength and perseverance. And I am so proud of you that you are not denying the feelings that you NEED to feel. God is with you ALL the time....in fact he is carrying you, even though you may not feel it. Please don't lose hope, you can do this!! love Beth