I'll be really frank~there are moments I'm so mad at God I can hardly stand it.
And I tell him.
He already knows, but somehow...voicing it directly to him makes me feel better. Kind of like having a fight with someone and then instead of letting it stew inside of you and making your own life miserable you finally get the courage to tell them...to confront them on how you feel.
And then its out. All the words, the feelings...no longer stuffed down inside. And by releasing them I find a small amount of peace and can come to terms with most of it.
Most of it. Not all...
That will take a lifetime and lots of prayers.
Obviously, I know that he knows what he is doing...even if I don't have a clue. But still...there is so much that I don't understand. Will never understand.
Included in this is the results of the interview last week. I just got the call. And although I was seriously planning on not taking it (because when I really thought about it, it isn't worth the extra $10 a day to do all the fun stuff like grade papers, plan lessons, and deal with discipline problems...)
I at least wanted to know I was good enough to get it.
I have one word that might describe what happened: politics.
Something tells me I didn't have a fighting chance.
(gasp) Or they read my blog and didn't hire me based on my inability to excel at math... Is this the huge failing streak that happens to people before they succeed and then they look back and eventually laugh? I hope so. But I am so not laughing right now.
Do I care about the job part? No.
But what a huge blow to my already bruised ego.
And again, I am left standing here scratching my head...