Thursday, September 4, 2008

Paper Chain..

Okay, so Megan, this picture is for you...
Can you imagine how big the paper chain would be that you suggested?! :)
I remember making this one and it was way too much work...

Well, I prayed on Wednesday night for something to happen. Anything. And not that today was that exciting, but it was a pretty decent day.

I had worked at this little shop just to occupy some time while I was waiting to go into the hospital. It is a children's/baby clothes shop (yes, not exactly what I need right now) but I told them I would work a few hours because I just needed to get out of the house. Right away, I was annoyed that I agreed to do it. First, because they just got in a bunch of ADORABLE baby outfits and shoes and all that crap. And second, because I couldn't even log onto the computer to sell anything because the password sheet was missing. So I just sat there, waiting for a call back to get my password.

Of course, even though it was pouring rain and no one was out and about...the first customer walked in 10 min. after I opened. I told her (jokingly) not to worry about finding anything cute because she couldn't buy it anyways. We started talking and she found out I did Tastefully Simple and wanted to schedule a party (yay!) and then I found out she works at the hospital...so I kind of spilled some of my story. Only to find out she works in the NICU. Small world.

She didn't recognize Will or our name, but she knows all the doctors and nurses we had very well. So I got to send a message to them through her. I think its crazy that these people were with us for the worst possible day of our lives, and we shared in all that grief together, and then in most cases we would never see or talk to them again. I hate that. That is why I was so grateful to run into our Neo doctor...Its safe to say that after that encounter, I felt that our meeting was not by chance. So it was worth coming in.

Then this afternoon, a county nurse stopped by our house. It is always nice to share Will's life with another person (one who really is interested in hearing it), and I will be taking part in a study on infant death and some other factors. Whatever. Its not exactly what I wish to be doing and it is totally optional, but I feel it is a good way to honor Will. And if it helps anyone in any way, even as much as it hurts~I'm in.

Right after the nurse left, I left and met a friend for dinner and a small version of support group. It is always difficult to talk and share our stories, but at the end of the night, I'm always glad I did it. I don't feel alone. Because I always heard the good stories, saw the flawless pregnancies. And so I expected the same for myself.
What a rude awakening.
But then to meet others and hear their stories, it pushes the "why me?" factor out of my head...at least for a little while.

It also made me remember something else about that weekend that at times is such a blur. I don't know why (maybe we were talking about things that were said or done out of hurt and anger right after it all happened)...but I remember sitting in bed just hours after we had left Will and the Dr. came in...and after 8 weeks they knew me well...but had I been in my right mind I would have never had said this...

Dr: Well...Julie....I'm sorry.
Me: Yeah. I know.
Dr: Is there anything I can do for you? Let me just have a listen to your heart...
Me: Why? (followed by some rude, exasperated sound)... its broken

So here I document it. Because it is a small detail of the story, and I don't want to forget any part of it no matter how insignificant it seems right now.
But its also those few words that say so much.

2 comments:

Megan Smith said...

I feel HONORED to be mentioned in your blog - make sure to give me a shout out when you write your book! ;)

Megan Smith said...

PS...

Post a picture of Will's tree when you have a chance - If you don't mind sharing!