Yesterday was a fast day that ended in my first (much anticipated) yoga class. My new friend signed up with me and I was so thankful to have a buddy with me. We both needed some relaxation and a stress release. I know it will get better, but last nights class kind of stressed me out.
We all know what happens to bodies after baby. Hah. Well, after having a c-section and then being on bedrest for so long and not even allowed to walk outside my hospital room, I thought that I had gradually been building up my strength well...Yeah, right. 15 minutes into whatever poses we were doing, I was shaking like a leaf and my arms were about to fall off.
And all I could do was laugh. Typical Julie move...I'm sitting there, looking stupid...in pain...straining like I'm 60 years old...and all I can do is sit there and laugh. Because I know I looked ridiculous. And all I kept saying to myself..."It can only get better from here."
I felt like a real winner when the instructor came up to me and asked if I was okay. Maybe I should have given her a little background that included the phrase..."Bedrest for more than 8 weeks..." But my pride got in the way...in my mind I'm still that person I was not too long ago that was benchpressing and lifting weights with Marines on Camp Pendleton. Well, this class was sure a reality check. The only thing I could utter to the instructor after all of these thoughts flashed through my mind was...just had a baby in July...
The class was good though. I kept up as best I could and at the end, we did some sort of relaxation/meditation. I was just relieved it was almost over.
Then she turned out the lights, and as we were relaxing every single muscle of our body, she said, "Okay, now I want you to close your eyes and go to your most favorite place, whether its the beach, the mountains, or your lazy boy at home..."
And instantly...I was back in that little room holding Will.
It took me by complete surprise that I didn't even think to think about that. It just popped into my head, with no warning. I wasn't even thinking about any of that stuff as I was laying on that floor. And it totally shocked me how quickly and clearly it came into my mind.
And its moments like that...that continue to knock the wind out of me.
Moments that a memory is stirred from something so seemingly insignificant. And it was shocking.
A single tear forced its way from under my right eye and ever so slowly dripped down towards my cheek and then into my ear. I have never been so conscious of one single tear.
And I was grateful that the lights were out. That it was dark and I could have that moment to myself.
Then, the song changed and on came the instrumental version of Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On....
The moment?...it is SO gone...Oh my goodness...Somebody shoot me. I hate that damn song.