Thursday, October 2, 2008

Another Thursday

Yoga is a life saver for me.
Today was crappy, cold, and rainy.
I was in a mood to match and just couldn't shake it.
Then I went to yoga tonight...
and balanced my chi again:)

Earlier I had written out a whole blog, and then the usual happened; I just couldn't post it. That has been happening a lot lately. The words come out as more of a ranting, like some crazy person. That is part of it, I am unable to make sense of things, unable to say what I really mean.
It drives me crazy.
Because I hate being in a sad mood all the time, and unlike other situations...this can't be talked out of. Meaning, its gonna take a whole lot more than a personal pep talk to get me through this. What it comes down to, is it physically makes me sick to my stomach. That gut wrenching feeling you get when something is wrong. And mine just won't go away. Because I can't help but feel that everything I am doing now or that has happened is just that~
Wrong.
But here I am...and doing all of these things I never pictured myself doing. And then it occurred to me, I always get really down on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Its like subconsciously my body is programed to be sad on the three days he was alive.

But I'm hoping this weekend is a deposit in my emotional bank account.

This weekend is going to be either really good, or I am going to pay emotionally and physically.
Friday night I am venturing out with all the nurses and new friends I made while in the hospital. We are going to a little something called Pulaski weekend.
I can assure you one thing: I will be in severe culture shock.
And thanks to the fine state of Michigan being slightly behind in the times...I am sure to pass out from smoke inhalation long before the alcohol hits me.
All I know is that we will be drinking in various Polish tents or bars or whatever they refer to it out here...and I really think its going to be a ton of fun.
Stay tuned for pictures.

Saturday morning is the opposite end of the spectrum. I am going to an event called "A Walk to Remember" that is a memorial/remembrance service to honor babies who died due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. There will be a balloon release and short walk through a park.
I will be releasing two balloons that day...and I am kind of dreading going. But I am kind of forcing myself, because in order to keep healing...I need to bring the difficult stuff to the surface. And then maybe that awful sick feeling will begin to go away.

And things like that are kind of like yoga.
I really don't want to do it, but once I get there and go...
I feel better and am so thankful I did.

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