Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Contentment

I'm sitting here drinking my toffee hot chocolate on a cold and gloomy day.
Its pouring rain and therefore, I felt it unnecessary to get out of my bathrobe.
At least not yet.
There is a battle going on in my heart and in my head.
Content. I am trying to be content. To thank God in all circumstances.

But on days like today...when its dark and rainy, I don't have a sub job lined up, or a Tastefully Simple party to plan for tonight...and so I am just left here in an empty house to think about everything...
Its really hard.
And I know its hard for Tim too.

Our life has gone back to yo-yo mode.
We get up, go to work, come home exhausted...and do it all again the next day.
And as we lay in bed at the end of the day, we can't help but wonder why we do it. I am determined to survive this though...and not come out of it some broken-down distraught person.

On Monday, the county nurse stopped by again to do that study with me on my pregnancy and Will. It was helpful. I enjoy talking about him, and she told me to continue to do so.
No matter what other people say.
She also said that right now, we are climbing a mountain. Every day things may seem a tiny bit better or at least we aren't as bad as right after he died. But then she said, at the 6th month mark we will plummet emotionally.
Uh, good to know I guess.
Then I started figuring out when that would be: January.
Well, that totally sucks. I already dread January...no need to add to that list.

So back to square one, I guess. Right now I am just still trying to function through a normal day. I use to be this highly organized person. The type of person who never found money in a pocket, that had long ago been forgotten. I always knew where everything was...all the time. Now? Forget it. For example: How much is my memory/thought process off? Earlier today I was separating laundry into piles and heard this noise. Confused, I started walking around the house. I had totally forgotten that I was cooking something on the stove. The lid was rattling, that is how hot it had gotten. My sauteed mushrooms looked like little black peas.
Nice.
So while I try to NOT burn down the house...at least I have successfully filled the gas tank of my car recently. We're making progress people.

The cup is half full.
But the house? If I burned that down...then we'd have REAL problems.

1 comment:

Janelle said...

You're not alone Julie, I left the burner on on our gas stove while I and my roomie were at work - a total of 10 hrs!