Wednesday, October 15, 2008

National Day of Remembrance


Its so cold out today...a typical fall day in Michigan.
So this morning, I broke down and finally turned on the heat.
After a little while, something seemed different...
Sophie was MIA. Usually she is glued to my side while I'm home.
After some searching, I found her curled up tightly on her bed in the laundry room.
Then I laughed...she had shoved her bed and was sleeping directly under the heating duct that is positioned about a foot above the floor on the wall.

Our California dog is going to have a rough winter ahead.
And as I knelt down to pet her (and she was very warm!) I thought about how I was going to miss never watching her and Will together.

A little boy and his dog.
There is just something about that...especially when you have a dog as sweet and loving as ours.

And then I remembered what day it is....so today I am remembering Will.
And I am picturing him in heaven with our first baby. Its strange to think that Will would have never been in our lives if the first pregnancy would have gone the way we all thought it would.

But in a large sense, I believe it worked out.
Because we love Will more than we ever dreamed possible. Even if he is only with us now is spirit. This was always according to God's plan, even if it was never considered in ours.

I've been remembering more about those 52 hours with him. Like what we said to him, how I held his little hands...and how grateful I remember feeling that I was able to be there with him. After the c-section, I was so terribly out of it. I thank God every night that he allowed Will to hang on until I could really mentally be there to take in how perfect he was. I was able to stand next to his bed and laugh as I ran my finger across the bottom of his tiny foot. He jerked it away so quick~extremely ticklish just like his dad. And although I never heard him make a cry or any noise, I saw how his eyes opened slightly and took in what a beautiful shade of blue they were. He laid with his little shades over his eyes because of the lights, but his hands were up by his head...how I sometimes sleep. Tim was head over heals in love with him, just as I knew he would be. The role of daddy...one that he had worried so much about...had come so naturally to him. It took him by surprise, but not me...He was a little piece of us all...Will had Tim's skinny legs and cute chin. He had my mouth and nose, along with my Opa & Dad's beautiful distinct blue eyes. His toes were a surprise, they looked my mom's side of the family. How could you not fall in love with him?

Its hard to believe that its been 3 months since we held him last. But we've survived those first three months, we've made it through the toughest. And our faith, although tested beyond belief, managed to grow and become stronger through the suffering.

And so it goes. Just like so many of the things I read while stuck in that tiny room. The one place where I had no distractions, no opportunity to leave...only time to reconsider how strong I had thought my faith was. And so I learned that suffering is God's testing room of faith.

"It is so much easier to trust when the sun is shining than when the storm is raging."

1 comment:

Megan Smith said...

I've been remembering you, Tim and Will all day today. You are ALWAYS in my prayers, but today especially.