Monday, December 15, 2008

Enough.

Its 12 degrees outside.
You've got to be kidding.
That factor, combined with gray skies isn't exactly helping to lift the depression.


Today, I subbed...and as I sat there thinking about how I miss being a part of all those staff lounge discussions, I also realized there are a ton of things I miss. And honestly, there is not much I can really do about it. Its the feeling of helplessness...uncertainty.


A teacher called me on Friday and asked me to teach this Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. The last 3 days before break...and I don't know what I was thinking to say yes. First of all, the kids are crazy...and I get to do all the work (especially the chaos of a party) and no one really gives a crap that I am there. And its hard to be around all the holiday festivities. Then I realized that those days will mark exactly 5 months.


5 Months.
How could that be?
And how can Christmas be next week?
All these things just don't seem possible...

I'm thinking that my transition back to Michigan hasn't been what I hoped it to be. Not even close. And then I have to keep reminding myself that just one of my factors (new house, new move, quiting a job I loved, husband working a new job with insane hours...and then, of course, Will) would drive anyone to the edge. And what gets me worked up the most? That I lived here one week before my world fell apart in ways I never imagined.

And now?
I live in a place, where the only memories I have...are intensely sad.

And I honestly don't know how I am hanging on. And some days...I don't. Like today...I write because it is the only thing that makes me feel a tiny bit better. To get it out of my head and my heart and release some pressure in there. There are always those days when I walk around the house in a fog, not caring about a thing. And then there are the days I force myself to teach...not caring there either. And I just wonder how long this can go on for...this heart wrenching, suffocating feeling. It feels I have been sad ever since we moved here.

Today is one of those days, where my grief is so intense...I just want to pick up something and throw it as hard as I can to watch it shatter into a million pieces.

But instead, I just sit and cry...liquid love is what the support group leader called...
Well then, my cup runneth over.

2 comments:

melissa said...

Hey, Julie. I'm in North Caralina now but i still read your blogs and pray for you.

KRISTYN said...

I think of you often...
Love, KWB