Friday, December 19, 2008

Snow day

Today we got so much snow...I still can't believe it.
So, instead of subbing and trying to control a bunch of kids right before the long break, I got to stay home and reflect about this day and five months ago.

July 19th seems so far away as I look out over the snow drifting across our front yard. But the emotions are still raw, even more painful today.

Things have been harder than ever this month. I don't know what it is about kids and Christmas, it just gets me. And hearing the kids sing this week in school, well it took all I had not to completely lose it. And I'm missing the fun stuff I got to do with my students the last two years. Maybe if I had that...I'd be doing better. But for some reason, things are the way they are.

And there are just so many other things that have really made the tears come very easily lately. I don't get the timing. I even got so depressed as to think that I must be a really bad person...how could God let me feel so bad otherwise?

Nothing has changed. Will was alive right now, 5 months ago being baptized...as we were told he wouldn't be with us long. And now, I feel like I am here in body but not spirit. Something has been broken since that day in July.
Maybe forever.

I don't know about anything anymore. Although, before this year, I was truly unaware just how bad it was possible to feel.
Ingorance is bliss.
I know this from experience.
But, I'm starting to run out of experiences to be ingorant about.
Therefore, any sort of bliss would be greatly appreciated.

1 comment:

Kristin said...

I'm praying for you.