Well, here it is.
Tonight I am going to write without stopping, without proof-reading...
from the heart, as I would say to my students.
No need to go back and fix things that I write, I'm just going to spill it all out...and its going to be the truth.
So, this won't exactly be some Christmas miracle blog tonight.
This is just my reality.
Right now...and totally real.
This month has been horrible.
They weren't lying when they said the holidays are a peak time...and if I'm not crying, then Tim is. We're like the blind leading the blind, stuffing our grief for short periods just to help the other one out. And when we both feel bad? Then it surfaces in the form of a fight over something really stupid...like how we need a snow-blower, or if we should risk our lives to go and drive to Starbucks.
And yes. There really is that much snow.
Our first winter here and there are two big snowstorms in less than a week. So much for breaking us in easy...I have been a prisoner in my house for the last few days, which I know, is probably the worst possible thing. But the snow is so high on our street, my car would look like it had no wheels. My front bumper would be a makeshift snow-plow.
While it is pretty, it is easy to forget just what a pain it really is. Unless, if one is prepared...which, we are not. So while I can handle hanging out at home for a day or so, even that has its limits.
And really, that isn't what is the problem. Its so many things....weather, lack of communication, grief. And then there are times when I do go out and the truth is: I am so disappointed in people. And it doesn't matter if its CA or MI, people are just so cold, so clueless. Even people that aren't strangers. And that is when I think to myself...maybe I should just lock myself away, because this whole thing is hard enough to deal with...and adding to the pile of "feel bad" feelings just isn't an option for me anymore.
And so I withdraw. Because when someone is hurting already, its kind of stupid to put yourself out there just to be hurt even more...especially when we're all supposed to be helping each other out in this journey.
Because if I have learned anything...I know relationships are my greatest assest. And at the end of the day, its my friends and family that reach down and grab me...as I claw to get out of that deep, dark hole I struggle with every day.
And there are days...when I never do make it out.
And then there are days, when someone I love...either knowingly or unknowingly says something that pushes me right back in.
So this month, with all the magic and hopefullness, isn't exactly what Tim and I were praying for. Numbness has crept into our thoughts...our hearts. Perhaps the mind protects itself from trauma, or from things that we are not yet able to deal with. And as the snow falls heavily outside, and our house is decorated...it doesn't feel anything like Christmas. There is no magic...no holy feeling. Just a big, empy hole... and the question of why. And I am actually surprised at this, because I have been waiting for this Christmas for so many years...
And now that it is finally here.
I wish it wasn't.