I've written several blogs, none of which I am happy with.
Since Thanksgiving things have been really...hard I guess. Honestly, I don't know how to describe this feeling. It is past the point of frustration, to where there are moments I could just freak out. And I no longer judge those who do. I think that if I were still teaching, things would be different. I would be busy and have a purpose to get up each day...but without that, I am left kind of wandering. Lost without directions.
With Christmas approaching, there is a new...bigger wave of grief. The type I had not really experienced yet. Where little things send me into crying fits and the expectations we had for this holiday season...are just too painful to think about.
Its funny how many around us are still concerned with all the normal things, especially gifts. I could literally care less if presents rained from the sky. And it seems so insignificant. And you realize just how much we have that we could live without. So instead of buying each other gifts this year, Tim & I went out and bought a piece of furniture.
Its not just any piece of furniture. It has become the most important thing in our house. We finally found a perfect table (it kind of looks like a small dresser) that we call Will's table. It is perfect. It was made for this exact spot, and in the exact striped colors. And his framed picture looks absolutely beautiful on it.
So when it comes to the rest of it. I'm trying. Trying really hard in fact. But things like Christmas cards and the holiday spirit just aren't in me right now. And if the constant reminder of little kids and babies isn't all around me...I get to go to church and sing about the birth of a special baby boy...
And its just too much.