Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tim asked if I was shocked that we made it 8 years...
or if I was more shocked at how quickly the 8 years went...
and my reply was "both."
He knows I am joking.
And I am.
Despite all that we have done,
all that we have been through...
my marriage is a blessing from God.
And I love my husband more today,
than I did 8 years ago.
Today he took the day off from work (a HUGE deal if you know his work ethic!)
and we spent the day going to the high risk Dr.
Let's just give them the code name, Dr. Risky...
there is a whole team of them,
and they are awesome...
but to keep everyone straight~that is what I will call them.
I also have a regular OB/GYN
whom I will see on a regular basis.
I did not have her with Will,
I had the Dr. Risky team.
And walking into that office, with good news this time,
I know I will be taken care of.
So today when we went,
I got the red carpet treatment in the ultra sound room.
The tech and I had a coffee the month after Will died,
and I adore her.
She was so excited, she popped a disk into their new machine
and got tons of pictures.
Even better...she busted out the 3D equipment
and just went crazy.
But, I am measuring smaller than I had figured.
So, they laughed when I groaned loudly at only being 8 weeks and 4 days.
I'm glad they think its funny...
The double digits is a big deal,
and I would have kept my mouth shut for a bit longer.
But then again, what good would it do to keep it a secret anyways?
If anything happens, the world will know about it...
who am I trying to kid?
And besides, I have been sick for what seems like forever,
not complaining (its a huge blessing)
but I guess each day that passes is a small victory for me.
Not sure I could really hide it much longer,
my pale nauseating face pretty much gives it away:)
So, the 3D pictures were slightly funny.
Just a blob that looked like a little gummy bear with bumps where the arms and legs will be.
It almost freaks me out when I see it like that,
makes you realize just what a miracle the entire process is.
Then we heard the heartbeat.
That got me right in the gut,
and for a moment...
I was back in my hospital room, with Will on the monitor.
The nurses would hook me up twice a day for nearly 30 min. or longer,
and his steady heartbeat would put me right to sleep...
that is, if he wasn't hiccuping loudly.
There is just something about hearing that little heart beat,
it chokes me up.
And it makes this whole situation not blissful or thrilling...
but very scary.
Hearing the heartbeat
brings all sorts of painful memories that no one really knows about.
It should be a happy thing,
but going down this road again is another test of faith.
After we had a chat with Dr. Risky,
some various things were discussed.
There is no rhyme or reason why Will's water broke.
They don't know why,
there is nothing that I did or didn't do.
So we will sit tight and let this pregnancy progress.
At least I feel like there is a plan in place,
but this is where I am glad that I have so many people praying for us.
That is the one thing,
I know I can believe in...the power of prayer.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
have you ever gotten so behind at something,
that the sheer thought of "hacking at it" seems to send shudders through your entire being? That would be me when I think of all the partial blog posts I have yet to finish.
I have not forgotten,
or even put it off.
I simply would begin to write about a number of things,
and then something would happen...
and by the time I got back to it,
the moment was gone.
The writing and thoughts were interrupted.
And it just didn't sound or read as well as I wanted it to.
The perfectionist in me is coming back.
What is shocking is that it is December.
Here are the facts:
I have continued my altered diet and lifestyle,
which includes acupuncture, Chinese herbs,
and a totally different diet.
No pop, no caffeine, no coffee...and a whole bunch of other "no's"
However, I am finding myself with more energy.
A better outlook...
and just generally feeling better.
Which is good, because lots has been going on in our house.
I will be writing a more in depth blog soon,
but for the time being,
other things have called.
Like decorating our Christmas tree,
putting lights on Will's tree outside,
cleaning the gutters before it SNOWS,
setting up snow plow service (utterly crucial)
and then that silly Christmas card letter has been nagging me almost as much as this blog.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Or at least...that I will go to.
I'm tired of the way I feel here.
And I want to do something to change it.
Today, I went and had acupuncture done.
And this is a day after I just finished taking my last dose of Clomid.
My body is probably wondering what the hell is going on.
The fertility drugs made me feel awful...
an emotional wreck...
the acupuncture made me feel wonderful.
I'm just praying for a miracle this month.
What made me turn to acupuncture?
I got this book.
And it gave me some more hope,
and even before I read it, I knew that there was nothing wrong with me.
Except that some really tragic things have happened,
and it has reeked havoc on my body and my spirit.
I am not infertile.
Nothing is broken,
except for my heart...
and it must be connected to my uterus.
So I needed to get my Qi (pronounced chee) centered.
And I really feel like it did something today.
I left feeling better than when I came. And the emotional stress I had carried since Monday seemed to finally leave my tensed muscles.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Now I know that God knew just what he was doing when he put this specific job in my path. Its only 2 days a week, but with planning, meetings, and other sub days I feel like my life has been one of those cartoons where it shows the old style calendar pages flying off the wall and blowing away.
The days have been blowing away...
And so I am getting used to trying to be normal again,
which is actually very hard after so many major changes.
But things are going okay.
But I get constant reminders that other's lives are quickly progressing as well, and then it seems like my life is going way too slow.
Still no baby...Still, we are waiting.
And I would be lying if I wrote that it didn't bother me. I'm sick of waiting, sick of feeling like a bad person when in my heart when I pray and all I can mutter sometimes is..."When will it be our turn?"
Yes, it is the last month before I try a drug to increase our chances. But I don't even want to think about that. There have been consultations and tests, yet nothing to say why its taking so long. So we wait. And we are tired.
And as we wait out these final days, I go from extremes. One day I hardly give it a thought, then the next I am fighting an urge that it won't ever happen for us. Thoughts of adoption to surrogates goes through my head. At times, the battle to stay positive seems like an endless ocean...yet every day I continue to hold onto some mysterious shred of hope..that one day soon, things will change.And it will happen. Even thought I am sick of waiting.
But in other areas...Some other things are changing.
We are getting a new car.
Normally this wouldn't be a big deal,
but in true Julie fashion~there is a great story behind it all.
Cars hold a special place for Tim and I.
Because life changing events have unfolded around ours...
Tim's car was bought the day after he returned home from Iraq.
I remember sitting in the dealership, worried that he was going to fall over from exhaustion.
He was on Iraq time, and yet we HAD to buy a car that day.
So his Jeep has been a trustworthy vehicle,
loaded with histories and memories of Camp Pendleton,
driving all over L.A.,
dropping him off for his 2nd tour in Iraq...
sitting there in the early morning,
watching him walk away and wondering if it would be the last time I would see him,
and lastly, me driving it across the country on my way back home.
Actually, Will and I sitting there for many days...
allowing me time to think about how great it all was going to be.
How great it was all supposed to be...
that disappointment is finally beginning to dull.
As the miles piled up on that car, so did the memories.
Now, its time for something else.
So when we started "sort of" looking it wasn't a big deal.
But of course, something showed up...
because we weren't planning on it.
Those of you that know me are going to laugh:
We bought a car on EBay.
My friends in CA know I buy everything from there.
My nurses and doctors watched me buy things (and sell too)
as I was laying in my hospital bed.
I love eBay.
So tomorrow, I will fly down to the dirty south (NC)
and pick up the car.
My girlfriend is meeting me for a girl's night in Charlotte.
I can't wait.
And I say "why not?"
I might as well live it up,
life is too short...so stay tuned for some pics.
What is that?
Oh its 80 degrees and sunny down there?
You mean I have to leave the rain and frigid temps?
Perhaps I'll just stay down there.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I love the season of fall,
it is the one time of year when I love the cooler weather...
the leaves starting to change,
the comfort of staying in my home on a wretched-weather of a day.
Our home is peaceful,
the deer and animals are out back...
sometimes I feel like looking out my huge back window is some sort of strange nature exhibit, who knows what I'll see.
I have a wonderful husband,
who works harder than anyone else I know.
We keep each other in check and accountable,
making sure we bring our best to the table each day...
best of all,
he still makes me laugh...a lot.
We've been through more than most people endure in a lifetime,
I can't imagine anyone else standing by my side to face it.
Quite possibly, we have the best dog that God ever created...
she is never allowed to die.
There are lots of great things:
family, friends, teaching...
but also things that are not tangible:
faith & hope.
I guess the most notable thing right now,
is that for the first time in awhile...
I am once again happy to be me.
That is a hugely wonderful thing.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
with the cool fall wind blowing outside.
I am sitting here in my cozy bathrobe with warm coffee...
home from work because I'm sick....
and also, totally content.
Something should be wrong
with being so busy that you actually fall ill.
That the only time a person gets to chill out
is when they are home with the chills and a fever.
But I have been waiting SO LONG
to be busy,
to have a job,
to have a new sense of purpose...
that I am not having a hard time with being sick,
but I am bummed that I had to cancel teaching.
These last few weeks,
I have felt more like myself
than in all the time since moving here.
I am just annoyed that I have not been able to keep up with
the daily gratitude challenge.
But that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it.
Where I left off, the next "assignment" was to write a message of thanks for some of the "negative" things in my life.
In thinking about this, I have mixed emotions...
At one point in my life,
having Tim in the Marines and deployed to Iraq brought up bitterness and longing feelings at what our lives could have been at the time...had he been home, had he not been so busy, had he not been wounded in Fallujah.
I look back at that time in CA as a great growing period.
A span of time that was probably just as painful for those that loved me,
as it was for both Tim & I.
And yet, enough time has passed that I can look back and see all the good it brought out in us...
suddenly, it is no longer a negative, but a very large positive.
Fast forward 6 years.
Here we are, in our move to Michigan and losing the child we loved more than ourselves.
Obviously, death can be labeled as a current negative thing in my life...and because I associate this loss with the act of moving here, they will always be grouped as one.
And many people are probably to the point of thinking
"It was 15 months ago, get over it already."
But...I know it doesn't work that way.
In due time.
I have learned not to be rushed in this.
Not to ignore it.
Not to let others impact the time my heart needs to grieve.
And today, I am grateful.
Grateful for many things because of the last 16 months. Grateful for many things people take for granted and assume that it is owed to them.
I am walking away from this with many things...
A stronger faith.
A better relationship with my spouse.
A greater appreciation for simple living in every day life.
I have learned to let go.
I am no longer a control freak.
I don't care about the hurtful things others say...
because in the end?
They can judge and then walk away.
Will's shadow and the endless possibilities of his life
will always be part of my existence.
Just as a shadow suddenly appears, so do thoughts of him.
And while I reached the lowest point a year after his death,
I am grateful to know that progress is being made.
Feelings of happiness and contentment find me...
when I watch the sun rise as I drive to work,
as I stand in my beautiful yard and talk with neighbors,
as I am able to spend time with people who helped carry this burden with me...
who never gave up on me...
who allowed me to be sad...
who didn't shy away behind excuses...
who loved me when my sadness was unbearable even to myself...
and who have been my protectors...my cheerleaders....
Friends who are here because of the "negative" things.
Friends who I never would have become close with had all my dreams came true.
So, in the end, I have two choices in life.
Become bitter from the negatives...
or become better.
Obviously, you know which one I'm aiming for.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
they give a calendar of ideas to follow.
I'm just going to do the concepts they suggest,
today was a good day but my creativity is
hindered by the fact that I really want to climb into bed and pass out at the moment...
Today, the suggestion is using the alphabet to make a list of things for which I feel grateful for...well, here goes...but this is already harder than it looks, and given that I am slightly delirious, it might turn out kind of odd because I am just going to type the first thing that comes to mind:)
Apples and going to the orchard in the fall.
Blogging. My personal form of therapy. And much more effective than counseling.
Church~I happen to be able to attend one of the coolest churches in the country, Mars Hill.
Dogs, especially my loveable Soph-a-loaf.
Eric my brother with Downs that always keeps me laughing.
Friends & Family
God...If I didn't believe in his grace and love there wouldn't be much point to me.
Husbands. I happen to think mine is one of the best after all we've been through together.
In-n-Out. The best hamburger place. Ever.
Jobs...so thankful for my new position
Kids~I love teaching and am grateful to do something I love.
Laughing....I do it alot, even if other people don't really find it funny. I can find humor in just about any situation.
Marines. Grateful for what they do, who they are, and the memories.
Nice people~no need to say more other than I wish there were more of them.
Pictures. They are some of my most treasured possessions.
Quiet time...reading, walking, thinking
Random acts of kindness
Seasons changing. Sunny fall days are my favorite.
Traveling. I've been lucky to be able to travel all over the world.
United States. Love this country.
Vacations. Life is too short, take them every chance you get.
Will~grateful for his short time here with us.
Xoxo-hugs and kisses
Yoga~another form of therapy
Zzzzz's...I am grateful for an awesome bed which allows me to sleep like a baby.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Found in my inbox, from a company that I love.
So I thought, "why not?"
For the next 21 days I will be giving thanks
and blogging about it.
Accepting this challenge will help me to note
the positives (which there are many)
and I'm sure my blog will not only be more interesting...
but it will leave me feeling more aware of the brighter side of life.
So, more to come.
For the next 21 days I will post words of gratitude,
that is a challenge in itself (the actual writing every day part...not the lack of gratitude)!
Perhaps some of you will want to join me?
Monday, September 14, 2009
Its still going so fast.
Every month, we wait to see if this is "the" month.
Once again...it isn't.
And it is so heartbreaking after all that has happened.
Waiting to have a baby is kind of the same as trying to find work.
You can do everything right and still not get it...which all around sucks.
And everywhere you look, other people have one...so why can't I?
I am grateful to be in a routine now,
me and excessive free time really shouldn't be friends.
As school occupies more of my time now,
work distracts me from thinking too much.
But deep down, the question is still there...
and burns even more with each friend that tells me they are pregnant with such ease.
There have been lots of bumps in the road this month.
And they are so stupid that I just want to throw my hands in the air
and wonder why some aspect of our lives just can't go smoothly.
All the mindless distractions are keeping me from doing
what I really need to do.
Sometimes, I really feel like my faith has been challenged enough
and one of these times it will shatter forever.
I guess you could say I had a bad day today.
We all have them.
How bad was mine?
Bad enough to skip out on spinning class tonight
and instead eat a Nutty Bar (yes, the same thing I tried to sneak and eat while in the hospital with diabetes).
Two packs actually...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I'm actually going to post some good news.
but I have been waiting to write something actually, truly good for a really long time...
First, I got offered a part time job at a local school district.
Its 2 full days a week (Tues. & Thurs), for the entire school year.
I'll be a Media Specialist.
Once I actually know what this exactly means:
I will let you know.
Given that somewhere around 200 people apply for one job around here
(and there have been only a handful of openings this year with so many cuts and budget problems)
I feel very blessed to have been offered this.
It is perfect for where I am right now...
and I am breathing a little easier for the first time a long time.
Second, is that I had an "infertility" procedure done at the hospital this morning.
Aside from totally crying because you all know how much I love it when people poke and prod at me, and my MOST FAVORITE THING is getting those awesome pelvic exams...
well, it was bound to be a fabulous morning in radiology.
Not to mention simply the feel and smell of that place take me back in time.
So its no surprise that the tears flowed.
They inserted a tube with dye and then took x-rays to make sure the path was clear.
Well, first off...I felt right away as they were digging, that it wasn't.
I was not happy.
The doctor was perplexed as why she couldn't see the liquid.
And I was secretly cursing no one in general
that I even had to be there to begin with.
After a minor setback, which made me glad that I did go through with this...
it was all over.
No problems~no more obvious road blocks.
So we shall see.
My mind is now free from concern,
and we have a green light to proceed.
And if it does happen,
I can't help but think how great my new work schedule will be...
This week has been the kind of week I have waited nearly 18 months for.
So thankful its finally here.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
No, I haven't written much.
There have been lots of reasons,
and I am finally where I need to be
so that I can really understand why.
Shortly after Will's anniversary,
we had friends out from California.
GREAT TIMES=Total distraction from reality.
After they left I was overcome with such a tense anxiety.
This feeling, truly led me to think that I must be going crazy.
I couldn't stop...
being angry at God,
obsessing over what I must have done wrong during interviews to always get that rejection,
questioning why in the hell I was getting worse with time and not better.
And finally a great friend,
offered a referral to go and talk with someone.
Because honestly, I could hardly stand myself
or our life...
It was that bad.
But suddenly, I had a professional listening to everything,
and telling me that I wasn't crazy,
and that I wasn't even depressed.
No, I didn't suffer from anxiety...
and all the reasons I gave for my bad emotions?
A reason for them all.
And the weight lifted off my shoulders....
I am suffering from severe grief,
which is not the same as depression.
And why has everything started to fall into place?
We were told to read a book.
This is not just any book,
I have read a lot of child loss and grieving books and this is totally different.
It is so different and so beneficial that I think every single person should read it.
Because it is not specific to any particular loss,
and has the potential to help recover the biggest of broken hearts.
The Grief Recovery Handbook
In fact, I would love for anyone to read this and
then share with me what they think.
I believe this book is for everyone, it will change the way you look at grief and how we "deal" with it...But more on that later.
In the meantime,
other things have been going on.
I have been dropping of my resume and had a few interviews.
This is really hard.
Waiting has never been a strong point for me.
And while I try to relax,
I also went to the doctor this week.
After some discussion, I am going to the hospital for a procedure tomorrow.
This will allow them to make sure I don't have any scar tissue,
or anything else evident going on...since I can't seem to get pregnant.
I am nervous.
In being proactive, I am wanting to believe it will be good...
however, I am afraid at what they may find.
Please pray that it goes well.
What a month.
The next week has the potential to be significant,
but instead of focusing on things happening that are outside of my control...
I'm going to continue to read that book...and take steps to heal this gaping hole in my heart.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Last fall we found this frame,
and knew we had to have it.
So for Will's 1st birthday...
we decided to give ourselves a present
in an attempt to somehow make it hurt a little less.
When it arrived the night before our company from CA arrived,
I quickly unwrapped it...
and it took my breath away.
I love it...
And every word is true.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
and it feels like its been a really long time.
The load wasn't dropped all at once,
it was more like one brick at a time...
so that as I slowly started shriveling under the weight,
it wasn't so significant that those around me took any notice.
As these bricks settled on me, one at a time,
I tried so hard to carry the weight...
to not show my weakness,
to not ask for help.
And now, as I finally crumble and fall from the weight of this last year,
and all its bricks,
those around me looked shocked.
if they even look at all.
These bricks took form after months of an unsure future...
after interviews that led to nothing (including the last one that would have been perfect)...
after trying to make sense of the ruins around me and not finding anything.
However, for some reason God felt the need to put them there.
And as I grapple with this concept,
the heart of who I am,
who I was,
is finally being forever changed by the added weight.
And I feel like I am completely falling a part.
There is no way to answer the questions in my head,
to find reason in any of it at all.
Why did we move here if Will was just going to die?
Why am I still not pregnant?
Why are there so many interviews, yet no job?
Why does God keep ignoring my prayers?
As I type this,
I am crying.
I am extremely let down by our move to Michigan.
This is something I deeply regret.
It has led to our son's death...and to other losses.
All because we tried to do the right thing,
so how does it seem that we are instead being punished.
This is the bottom for me,
where anger at everything finally lashes out,
where I want to scream
but I am just so exhausted from it all.
I simply would like two things that most people take for granted,
a lot of people have both and don't realize how blessed they are:
a job and a child.
And I just want to quit...
because this is just so wrong.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Find the motivation to get out of my pajamas and into the shower...
Pray constantly for peace and patience while I wait for that phone call...
Stretch my pathetic legs out after not "honoring my body" and pushing just a little too much at yoga last night...
Not completely lose my mind...waiting for that phone call...
Get rid of my migraine by popping Excedrin and guzzling as much Diet Coke as possible...
Cuddle in bed with my big, fat 70 lb. lap dog...
Tell myself that I am happy with my current circumstances...
Make some chicken salad and not eat more pizza...
Imagine what might be in store for me in another year...
Go to the bank...
Take as many naps as possible so I won't have to think about my fate or my headache...
Not waste time on facebook...
Thank God in all circumstances, even if the outcome is not what I want...
Monday, July 20, 2009
This weekend marked one year,
and it was a time where both Tim & I reflected
on everything from our move across the country,
to wanting kids,
to what we think this next year will bring.
Overall, a lot of unknowns...
just the same as this time last year.
Yesterday was challenging
as we relived our last hours with our son
while he was with us on earth.
And today, marks one year that I have been home.
Right around this time, I was discharged...
marking something many people take for granted.
Freedom to walk,
to eat whatever I wanted,
to be outside,
to sleep in my own bed,
and to cry in privacy instead of hiding in the shower...
Right around this time,
we were making that dreaded trip down the hospital hallway
for the last time.
And as I was loaded into the car,
without a baby,
my body broken...
I vowed to survive this.
And I kept repeating this to myself.
I repeated it over and over,
as we had our first meal outside the hospital in 8 weeks.
Then at the funeral home,
where we were left alone to make arrangements.
As I walked into that place,
it was so surreal.
We had only lived here for 4 months
and I was already visiting the mortuary and funeral home,
where I had attended numerous funerals while growing up.
I never thought I would be back here so soon,
and especially not for my own child.
But as I walked in there,
Will was there,
I felt it in my soul,
in my body,
in my aching heart.
That kind of aching doesn't really go away,
but I can say
that it is no longer the same piercing pain it was.
maybe it is,
I have just learned to live with it.
It is now a piece of who I am.
But I also have a different feeling,
a feeling of survival.
We made it through our first year without him.
Its been ugly and painful,
but here we are.
And we are functioning,
just a little differently than before.
it is one less year I have to live without part of my heart.
And in some strange way
I feel relief.
One year down...
how many more in still unknown,
but this is a start.
We are no longer at the beginning.
This may sound really strange to some,
but I am sure it has to make sense to a few.
And so here we go.
I figure that the more days that pass from now on,
bring us closer to something good.
Whether its a baby or a job,
we are closer today...
than a year ago today.
That much is for sure.
And another thing I know for sure,
I would not have been able to get this far without the love, prayers and support from so many of you...
Friday, July 17, 2009
Happy First Birthday, Will!
Today Daddy & I are celebrating your life, and the miraculous 52 hours we had with you...
You entered our world at 1:59 p.m. on a bright and sunny day. You were a fighter, and to us ~ perfect in every way. You had a piece of each of us built into you...Daddy's forehead and skinny knees, Mommy's mouth and hands, Grandma's toes, and Great-Grandpa's amazingly distinct blue eyes...the only surprise was all that dark hair!
It's hard to imagine what you would look like today, at a year old. We cherish that you will forever be a baby to us. In your short life you only felt love...no one uttered a harsh word or expressed unkindness to you. You only felt the love and prayers of your family and the hospital staff around you...and we will never know the full extent of your story and life on many others in this world. And the number of strangers praying for our family may never be known. But one thing is certain: You were here and you had weight in this world. You were loved and continue to be. And each day we wish you were here and miss you more that we ever thought possible.
We love you 'til the end...Mommy & Daddy
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
so much in fact...
that I find myself taking naps just to stop the chaos in my head.
I am driving myself crazy.
This week since getting back from vacation
has been yet another emotional roller coaster.
Just to summarize:
A trip to the vet for Sophie's tail,
which wasn't moving and the vet said they might have to cut off.
I totally broke down in the vet office,
After all that, turns out it was just a sprain and she is fine.
Was the whole drama about cutting off her tail really necessary.
We all know the answer to that...
Then on Monday I also started watching a 4 month old baby.
My plans were to begin a daycare here at home,
since I couldn't find a job.
I needed a schedule and some sort
of reliable income.
Silly me thought that I would watch
Instead I got 2 new babies.
What was I thinking?
I'll tell you.
When I started watching little man this week,
I can tell you that I wasn't thinking.
I was thinking that by the time this day actually rolled around,
I would be pregnant.
That didn't happen,
and instead I found that crying myself to sleep was no longer a distant memory.
make it stop.
So while I wait to hear about this last interview,
for a perfectly fitting job...
I pray that God hears my endless prayers.
I pray for peace,
and for calm,
and for a reason to get out of bed again.
Watching kids here is not a good idea,
it is too hard.
It brings to many "what would..." questions to mind,
and I have to wonder,
if none of this had happened,
if everything went the way we thought.
What would we be like?
Who would we be?
even after a year...
the pain has not dulled
and the memories have not faded.
And still nothing significant has helped bring us up out of this...
at least not enough to know what we will be like...
who we will become now that this experience is woven into who we are.
Because we are still trying to pull ourselves out of the past
and are looking for a reason to bring hope in the present.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Another month of negative pregnancy tests
is just the latest realization that not a whole lot has changed for us.
Not yet anyways.
When Will passed away,
I didn't care about anything.
I wanted to die right along with him.
The only thing I wanted,
the only thing that gave a ray of hope,
was to be pregnant by the time this anniversary rolled around.
To make it slightly less painful,
to help make it bearable.
I'm just trying to keep it together...
to not ask why
or wonder how things could be different.
My other daily prayer
has been for a job.
I had a great interview last week,
and was actually surprised
when I got the "thank you but no thank you" email yesterday.
But I still hope that something will turn,
I have to.
The only thing I have left is hope.
So, tomorrow I have one last interview
for a truly perfect position.
A part time teaching job,
teaching my most favorite subjects:
Social Studies & Language Arts.
At the school I attended,
and had my most favorite and inspiring teachers.
To say that I hope this works out is an understatement.
I need this to happen.
For so many reasons...
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
we just got back home
and this trip was so insane
I didn't even have a chance to check my email,
until the day before we left.
So never mind blogging about it,
while we were actually there.
It was everything we needed,
and then some.
Can't wait to tell you about it...
after I get my chaotic thoughts together.
For those of you I didn't get a chance to see,
I am so sorry and sad that there just weren't more hours in the day.
And for those of you I did get to hang out with,
I miss you already!
Stay tuned for the details and photos:)
Sunday, June 28, 2009
(Or should I say numerous meltdowns)
Tim threatened to put parental controls on our computers.
No more Facebook
and no more blogs...
except for my own.
Sometimes I look back at it all and wonder
how exactly have I evaded a padded room?
Its not too late I guess.
I'm realizing that hitting rock bottom,
didn't happen last August
or even at Christmas.
I was never guaranteed to start at the bottom
and work my way up a little bit each day since the day I came home from the hospital.
I'm realizing that for me?
Rock bottom has happened many times over the course of the last few months.
The words frustration and disappointment
don't even come close.
I'm mad at my circumstance,
mad at my life,
and even more furious with God.
Yes, in my heart, I scream at Him,
because so many little things could change
and ease this hurt.
But he has been silent.
The thing is,
I know exactly what has brought on this latest crisis.
The lack of anything to do or any job.
Summer was great while I taught,
because I was burned out from the school year.
But I don't need a summer right now,
it is like I have awakened from a deep hibernation.
And I'm starving for a job, a purpose...
and these days of doing nothing
So what do I do?
I scope out Facebook and read all these other blogs,
which would be fine if things were fine with me...
but instead it is a constant reminder of how not-normal my life is at the moment...
and I don't need any extra reminders of what I yearn for.
So I have been banished,
at least for now.
On Wednesday we'll be in the O.C.
and while there is lots I want to do,
I am most looking forward to visiting people.
To having conversations...
Because as much as I talk to Sophie,
she has yet to answer me back.
This trip will be good,
I already looked at the weather and it said 0% chance of rain...
for a week straight.
A whole week of sunshiney warmness?
I won't know what to do with myself.
Check that...yes, I will.
I'll enjoy every stinking minute of it.
Monday, June 22, 2009
We had dinner with friends on Saturday night
at this awesome bar downtown...
I'm a huge fan of french fries,
but am addicted to this place because of their "crack fries"...
the name says it all.
Apparently, I'm not the only one.
Yesterday morning I took Tim kayaking down the river
as his Father's Day gift.
There has been a ton of rain lately,
and it was perfect timing.
Of all the days I wish I had my camera,
this was one of them.
We embarked our double kayak and
learned how to maneuver the river.
The last time we did this was in some remote lagoon
in Cabo San Lucas...and we encountered tons of blow fish.
No blow fish here,
but plenty of other stuff.
We saw the usual:
ducks, geese, turtles and swans...
until we made a wide turn and got stuck.
On a fallen tree.
We sat for a moment, rested,
and I reached out for the dead branch to push off.
Something crawled across my hand and I screamed.
The biggest spider I have ever seen in this state.
Tim yelled at me for scaring him until he saw the darn thing...
so LUCKY (especially for me) that I didn't get bit.
I shudder to imagine what could have been....
After that, the trip was not typical.
A beautiful butterfly landed on my hand.
A beaver popped up right next to the kayak with a mouth full of sticks...
I gasped again ~ apparently he was just as startled to see me when he popped to the surface.
Within a minute we passed tall grass and had another visitor,
a baby deer.
She just stared at us as we slowly passed,
close enough to touch her with our paddles.
Everything was amazingly beautiful and serene.
It was the perfect thing to do.
After that we managed to get up to Muskegon for a little family reunion.
Saw lots of family we haven't seen in a really long time,
Tim finally got to meet them:)
My grandma was able to come from the nursing home,
and sit with her family.
That has been another tough aspect I have never really written about here.
I left for CA and my grandmother was herself,
I came back and she is now another person...
Since Will, I have distanced myself from that grieving too.
Because its so sad, and I'm not that old...and neither is she.
But she will never see my children.
However, on Father's Day, all of her children and grandchildren
were together for one last time.
And I could tell she knew that.
So to know that my grandpa was the happiest he's been in a long time...
that made it all worth it, and helped me to feel a little better too.
Friday, June 19, 2009
but I am not going to.
These are the facts:
I got a rejection email this morning,
I'm not taking it so well (even though I thought I would),
Its not just the not getting the job part...
Its lots of not getting all sorts of things "part"...
And now, I am going to take a break from writing,
not dig myself a bigger "pity" hole
and crawl into bed, cover myself with blankets, cry
and stay there...
And of course, this all had to happen 11 months to the day that Will passed away.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
One of those days that happens less and less
but still happens regardless.
I suspect, that with time, that days like these
will happen in less frequency.
But when the do come,
come as if he was just here in my arms.
And like I had just held him,
my arms are left aching.
for someone that hasn't been here in way too long.
Sometimes I look for things to blame,
something that perhaps triggered these emotions.
the cold and rainy weather?
the lack of anything to fill my time?
the stress of not hearing anything regarding my interview?
It doesn't really matter,
the feelings are here all the same.
I went through his box today,
the one thing I have to be close to him.
I took out his outfit, his blanket...
his incomplete baby book.
The same book I was writing in
when the NICU doctor told us he would surely die.
And moments like this,
I hate God for letting this happen...
For letting him die
and leaving me a completely broken person.
Couldn't he have picked someone else?
Someone else who would handle this with more grace,
more everything than what I have to offer?
A whole day wasted on crying and living in the past.
I didn't have them until I moved here,
now those regrets consume my thoughts.
Its a horrible way to live.
And I should know better,
I do know better.
But on days like today,
I'm pretty much rendered useless...
a prisoner to a broken heart.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
is the creature I spend all my time with.
We are together all day and all night...
I see her more than Tim.
So those of my friends who question my sanity?
Here is your answer...
I'm sure this clarifies a great deal.
And by the way,
I just found her like this.
Friday, June 12, 2009
I was dreaming
and then something smashed into my window.
For all I knew, it could have been a deer or something.
It was that loud.
I bolted up in bed and looked out my window,
nothing under the window
but a huge deer was at the far end of our lawn.
His new antlers were still fuzzy as they were growing in.
It wasn't him that made the noise, obviously,
but perhaps a large bird giddy because the sun is actually out.
So here I sit,
somewhat giddy as well, if I can even get giddy anymore...
Maybe just anxious, perhaps from all the coffee I slammed this morning.
About to drop off another resume.
That great feeling I've had?
turns out I was onto something,
I have an interview on Tues.
Now I realize that there are probably something like 25 other people also fighting for this...
but I pray that they see something in me.
And besides, we all know how hard I can fight.
I just pray that I'm given a chance.
First impressions are everything here,
and I'm not so sure I make the best ones.
I hate interviews.
You have to sell yourself while sounding confident,
and I always feel like its the most cocky/not humble experience.
And with my teaching experience in CA,
and after subbing in the local districts back here...
I know without a doubt I bring something totally different to the table.
Regardless of what happens, I know I need this.
I need a purpose,
someone (or lots of little someones) to distract me from the emptiness.
I'm trying not to think about the whole baby thing.
I'm trying not to wonder why its taking so long,
if the stress is affecting me
if its even meant to be.
There is no doubt that I am disappointed it has nearly been a year,
and we aren't on our way again.
And I'm pretty sure this month is another failed attempt.
like I said,
I'm not going to think about that.
I'm going to focus on the one thing I can be good at:
the interview on Tuesday morning.
*Any prayers are greatly appreciated...
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Not that I don't want to,
but nothing is really going on.
School is out.
The weather is slightly improving.
Things are overly green and alive...
and I have way too much time on my hands.
Good thing the Twilight series books are over 600 pages and there are 4 of them.
I don't know what I'll do when I finish.
Last week, we went to Indiana to bury Tim's last living grandma.
We were happy for her,
she was 97 and had been wanting to go for some time.
I guess in the circle of life,
that is how it is supposed to go.
You live a long full life and then pass away in your sleep.
Only I know better now,
that sometimes the circle is disrupted.
As we stood by her graveside,
in the middle of the cemetery
surrounded by Indiana farmland...
I envied her era in a way.
She lived in the same place her whole life,
had a small circle of friends and family.
And things were just more,
As I walked to the car, I took notice of other head stones.
And what did I see?
The years were somewhat faded,
And even though it was 100 years ago,
I wondered about them,
felt sad for them.
Felt that anxiety for the parents that were buried next to them...
who endured a lifetime without their child.
I guess it happened more frequently back in the day,
but it was nice to see that they were named...
that they were buried with their family...
that they existed
and their headstones were left for the rest of us to see.
The history back here is something I love,
being in that field
it could have been 1915 because nothing else had changed.
So I guess that has been on my mind since last week.
Funerals make you reflect,
not that I need any help in that category.
But otherwise, I am still feeling optimistic.
Still hoping that a call will come for an interview,
or any other good news.
Maybe I'm in better spirits because I'm not subbing,
and can catch up on some sleep.
I require a lot these days,
they tell me its normal.
But I can't help but think that I have better things to do.
Three weeks from tomorrow we'll be in the O.C.
That is giving me an opportunity for excitement...
And having some real summer weather.
I can't wait.
Monday, June 1, 2009
That is insane to me.
This is because,
while the rest of the world has continued on,
while friends have gotten pregnant and had those babies weeks and months ago,
while others have taught an entire school year,
celebrated holidays and birthdays...
my life has stood still,
or been a fog
since that fateful day last July.
Every so often,
my eyes are opened as I fight to awake from a deep hibernation,
that I really have no control of.
Sometimes I manage to stay awake long enough to create a new memory...
most of the time I quickly fall back asleep.
But lately, my awake spells have been more frequent...
and are lasting longer.
I'm not sure if this is because it is nearly summer here,
or if my intuition that something is going to happen soon...
just might be correct.
Because 6 months ago,
I was convinced that if someone was to look up the
definition of hell in the dictionary...
you just might find the words: Julie's current life situation.
I'm joking of course....somewhat.
But this week, I found out that besides the obvious,
I wasn't able to shake myself out of this for good reason.
There was nothing to hope for.
Then with the simplest thing as an email,
and a possibility for a job...
that was all that was needed for the clouds to part in the slightest way...
and finally let some light into my dark world.
Now there is a good chance that nothing will become of this,
but I have hope again.
And even if I don't get a call or an interview...
I have learned that I am going to take this hopeful feeling and run with it.
Even if it does only last for a couple of days.
And just maybe,
if its meant to be,
this new found purpose could possibly last longer than that.
And it could have the possibility
to be the start of something new.
It could be silly,
to open myself up for more let downs.
But at this point,
I really don't care.
Its feels good to be optimistic again.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Tim's favorite...Wall Street
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I felt a slight anxiety sitting on my chest.
Even the weather is the same...
How can it be that exactly one year ago today,
my journey in the hospital began.
I guess May has been a big month,
another tough month...
which leaves me with many explanations on
the lack of writing on my end.
Well, maybe not the lack of writing,
but the lack of actual posting.
There are days when my mind wanders,
and I try to resist the darkness of a depression
that is slowly creeping up as the one year mark
gets noticeably closer.
Something good has to happen soon,
its been over a year...
is the only thing I can think sometimes.
Its hard to experience the events all over again,
a year later.
Its only natural to replay every stinging detail,
day by day,
recounting how things were a year ago.
How different they were a year ago.
In some strange way, going back to those posts helps.
It hurts, but it is also a written record.
That time and place in my story, is not forgotten.
I read over my posts from last May,
and its hard to recognize that person.
For all that was happening,
and for all that was spinning out of control...
she seems oddly upbeat...or even optimistic.
Looking back now,
I can see that person is gone in many ways.
But that cruel uncertainty of the future?
It is still here.
Will may be gone from this earth,
but much of what I felt a year ago
just in a slightly different way.
I'm still looking for direction.
I'm looking to feel that aching inside me dull just a bit.
Its not a lot to ask,
its so hard not to concentrate on what we have given or lost,
and to overcome having to give something back to God,
that I never wanted to give.
And now, all I'm asking for is for Him to give me something else...
or rather someone else.
Because I have come to realize that this hole,
won't be filled by anyone...
but it will help in the healing.
It will help dull the daily pain.
It will help restore the feeling of hope and purpose.
My ramblings with God,
aren't so much prayers...
its more like begging.
Because I don't know what else to do.
Begging for what others probably take for granted.
A familiar routine...
and I'm not even asking for all of them at once,
just one would do.
So that is my new prayer.
In the meantime, as May quickly passes me by,
I am going to end with what I am thankful for:
I've applied for some jobs (with any luck maybe I'll get an interview)
Tim and I had a whopping 3 days off together this last weekend...
I survived Mother's Day...and my 30th Birthday.
And now for the most embarrassing, yet truthfully the best, distraction I've had since last May:
The Twilight Series.
How bad is my addiction to these books?
I'm on the 3rd book and I just purchased them last week.
Which has me thinking...
In a strange way, these books are helping me.
I'm actually looking forward to something...
I need to get writing soon.
The idea of writing a book is a constant and daily thought,
perhaps it would help someone.
Maybe many more people than I can ever dream.
Then again, if it only help me...
Its something I know I need to do.