Thursday, January 29, 2009

A new sense of normal is slowly being established.
The key?
Staying busy.

This past weekend we managed to go here
for the 2nd time.
I'm keeping the faith,
that one day
I will be able to sit through a gathering...
sing and hear the music...
without crying.

But this place is so full of positive energy,
and even though its extremely difficult...
I really need a church family out here.
And for that?
I just need to put myself...our reality...out there.
Its easier just to tell people,
to get it out in the open.
Because somehow,
it always comes up.

But it was interesting,
that the first Sunday we were there...
up on the huge screen
an image appears.

An ultrasound picture.
Exactly like the last one I had of Will
before the water was gone.
I just sat there,
dumbfounded.

Then R.Bell announces his wife is pregnant with their 3rd.
Really, God???
Today???
I haven't been to church since April,
and this is announced today.

Am I mad?
Absolutely not.
Just confused,
wondering what exactly is going on.
And thinking that God has some sick sense of humor...
especially for me,
the person who normally thinks that
every freaking thing is funny.

But I'm not giving up,
and for sure going back even though the first Sunday was more of a punch in the gut.
Yesterday was better.
Still cried,
but this time it was because I heard a song.
A song that means a lot to me.
I sang it to Will every day when we were alone,
and I actually haven't heard it sung by anyone else in many years.
So of course,
the guest singer on Sunday had to sing it.
Surprise #2 on Sunday #2.
I wonder what will happen the next time...

Then an opposite.
We went to see Larry the Cable Guy last night.
I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time.
It was fun and a total extreme.
But I guess that is how I feel lately,
all over the darn place.

Speaking about all over the place..
I have to go.
Tim's car just went all over the place in our snow covered driveway.
And now its stuck at the end.
Am I laughing?
Absolutely.
Because we're the only chumps in our whole 'hood without a snow blower...
gotta love it.

Monday, January 19, 2009


There was a point in time, when...
I had a really great way to clear my head.

When Tim was deployed, I used to do it a lot.
I would crank something loud on the radio,
open my moon roof,
unroll all the other windows...
and just tear down PCH.
I would drive for awhile,
or as long as it took for me to feel better.

There was something about driving on that winding road,
with the foaming ocean, sparkling in the sunshine to my right,
and million dollar homes on my left.
The wind whipping my hair around so much,
it would take me a half an hour to comb it smooth once I got home.

I loved it.

All that frustration just seemed to dissipate out those windows...
and that pit in my stomach would nearly subside.
That pit of feeling homesick...

Tonight,
at 6:10
I wished for one moment...I could be racing down PCH,
the windows open
the sun shining down on me...
instead of looking down,
seeing that it was 14 degrees
as I drove past the hospital
where Will died
exactly 6 months earlier...

But instead, the only things that were the same:
that car
and that pit in my stomach...
one that I really do think will always be there.
Maybe I should have rolled down all my windows.
That freezing air would have snapped me out of whatever fog I was in that moment...but then again, I just might have froze to death.
And that would have been a shame.
Because then none of us would get to see just how fabulous...
I'm convinced...
this story is really going to end.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

6 months old

Will would be 6 months old today.
Oh, how I was wishing that this would be so much easier by now.
But honestly, it doesn't seem like 6 months to me.
To my heart it still feels like yesterday.
And the elephant is still sitting on my chest...
slowly suffocating me.

And I carry this heartache with me everywhere,
in everything I do.
By now, others have somewhat forgotten about it and probably assume that we have somewhat forgotten about it too.
Hardly.
Perhaps that is why I find myself feeling more alone that ever,
I'm still stuck while the rest of the world keeps moving.

But after all of this,
I don't move through life the way I used to.
I don't feel the way I used to.
And I don't value the things I used to.

Every second I had with Will is tucked down deep,
and I carry his heart in mine.
It has been difficult as many around us seem to dismiss all of this, and give me the "look" when I bring up his name.
Talking about him is all I have left.

And while things have not gotten easier,
they have become tolerable on most days. Its those friends, family, and strangers that lend a supportive thought, a quite prayer, and well wishes that help fill a tiny piece of that huge void losing Will has left in me. So I thank those of you who continue to pray, continue to call, and who don't give up on me...

through the grace of God and the kindness and compassion of other people,
I have been able to get this far.

Sweet Will ~ Mommy misses you so, so much...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

A natural drug

I'll chalk up yesterday as a bad day.
Really bad.
However, after getting up and moving around this morning...
I feel different.
Looked outside and saw something I haven't seen in a long time:

Sunshine.

Ah. Much better.
But don't let it fool you.
I'm not about to go running around outside.
Instead, I laid down on the floor with Sophie...
in a big patch of warm sunlight.

Outside, I think its about 10 degrees.
And, I'm not exaggerating.
Last night, while talking to my CA friend...
she gasped when I told her the temp my car said: 1 degree.
Yup, that's right.
I moved from a climate where every day is an average of 70 degrees and sunny.
And then I wonder why I am having a nervous breakdown.

So, with all the motivation of the sun I have managed to get some stuff done.
I applied for jobs online.
Did some laundry.
Took the ornaments off the tree...
just kidding.

Like I would really leave my Christmas tree up for half the month of January when I ALWAYS take it down New Years Day. I'm way too organized and mentally with it lately to put off getting the decorations put away...
No, NOT me...


Let's hope this sunshine keeps up.
Maybe I'll actually get around to making the bed too.
That is...after I wash all the sheets. I step away last night for one minute only to return and find Sophie's butt (literally) on my pillow ~ Gross. *See above photo...not to mention that little sneak totally took my spot.

Its amazing how exhausting it can be actually just writing my to-do list...
let alone getting anything on it accomplished.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

perspective

As I lay in bed this morning and tried to go back to sleep...
my mind was just too busy to let me.
So here I am,
trying to make sense out of this mess by writing.

This week has been a battle to find sub jobs and to keep my head in the game. Because I have come to realize that I am totally confused...and totally out of patience. This may sound crazy, but after living in MI for nearly a year now (in March) I have come to realize that I have changed a whole bunch. And I am picking up on things back here that I never would have noticed on one of my short week long trips that we would take twice a week while living in Cali.

I am seriously missing the sunshine and warm weather...and the lack of second-hand smoke.

And I have now come to realize that I will always appreciate growing up out here, and the foundation that provided. But right now I am seriously missing CA. And this surprises me more than anything, because while I was out there, there were so many things I hated. The place drove me crazy.

But now?

There are other things driving me crazy...and they are way worse than anything that ever bugged me out there.

I am trying to find my way...but between you and me?
I'm not exactly having much luck.
And to put things in perspective, how I feel here in MI with everything that has happened or everything that hasn't happened...
well, it makes the life we were leading a year ago look like a fairy tale.

After everything that has happened, I figured if I kept plugging along and putting myself out there something good or exciting would eventually happen. Panic has started to set in. Panic that I did something wrong...that I made the wrong choice.

I keep telling myself that this is where we are supposed to be.
Because if that weren't true, our house wouldn't have sold out there. But it did...and it was the only one in our neighborhood that did.

There is a loss of words. Some days, like today, I miss having that hope that was tucked deep inside while I was in the hospital. While I was on bed rest waiting for everything to play out.

Because there was still a chance.
Still a chance that this could end up so completely wonderful. And now I am just trying to take it easy on myself, because truthfully, we just didn't lose our baby. I also lost my entire life as I knew it...and the person I was before all this happened. It would be a different story if this had happened while we were still living out there. I think by now I would be doing well, since I would have a sense of normal to return to. But nothing is normal here.

As I look back over the last 6 months...even a few before that, I keep saying the same prayer. That something good happens.

So after attending Mars Hill on Sunday and listening to Rob Bell...I got to thinking about what all he was saying about having a life force and other stuff. *This was actually the first time we have gone to church since Will died, and it wasn't without its incidents. I think it deserves a post all its own, and I'll just say there were lots of tears on my end. And I didn't have a clue as to what was coming...

But he was talking about Zoe or a life force. I liken this as to what gets us out of bed, why we do the things we do...finding light amid the darkness.
I know all about darkness.
And I'm ready some light.
So I decided to get involved in a way I never have.
Extreme circumstances...call for extreme measures.
There is a volunteer program through the church, that takes people and matches them up with kids in a school that has the highest poverty rate in the city.
I decided to be a mentor.

This should be interesting.
I have a feeling that this kid will be helping me though...
way more than I could ever help them.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Why?

Right now I am sick to my stomach with grief.
There is a blog of a woman that I follow...have been following ever since Will's story began. And today, as I checked it she had posted something new.

But it wasn't just anything.
It was a beautiful video, set to music, of them with their baby from the moments after she was born until after she had passed.

And it brought back a flood of memories.
And I have to ask myself...
Why?
Why didn't someone have a video camera in Will's room?
Why didn't we tape Will while he was alive?
Why don't I have that one thing to look back on and see that he was moving...
to see his face when I feel like I'm beginning to forget?

This is a huge regret that cuts deep.
We have a great video camera...
it hasn't been used in years.

This realization infuriates me. There were so many opportunities to be prepared. But we couldn't think of everything...and why didn't anyone offer to do this for us. I just can't wrap my mind around it. Thank goodness the hospital brought in a professional photographer...

But I only see Will when he is dead...
and I want to remember what it was like to see him alive.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Podunk

I can say now that I did one thing right in my life.
My intuition not to teach high school and go with elementary ed...
Taught at the high school today.
Geesh.
Kids these days.

Also, couldn't believe the class size here either.
684 kids in the senior class.
Let's get one thing straight.
I live in the woods, which is located in the middle of a cornfield.
On any given day I probably see more deer than high school kids.
Where are they all coming from???

Which reminds me of something else I saw while driving on Monday. You know that saying "I live in Podunk" (a.k.a. the middle of nowhere)? Well I actually passed Podunk Ave. not even 5 miles from my house.
I did a double take.
Nervously laughed.
And then cringed.

I'm almost 9 days into the New Year.
Still miss Will like crazy.
Still wondering what he would look like at nearly 6 months.
And wishing that I was spending time at home with him...
instead of with indifferent teenagers...

And it never fails, I always end up in some young teacher's classroom...with various reminders about things I don't want to see.
Today?
Shower invitations, birth announcements, and pictures of her new baby...
EVERYWHERE.

*Insert positive of the day here and don't think about all the bad stuff*

There was a two hour school delay so I only had to look at that stuff 4 hours and got paid for 7 :)
At least...I hope that's how it works.
Oh yeah, and it was a Calculus class (panic) and I just gave them a worksheet.
Sweet.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Trust

Today was a good day.
I am making a real effort to stick to my New Year's resolution...
well, one of them anyways.

To be thankful in all circumstances.
No matter what.

Now, I have to say that this is easy for someone to say or believe they doing, when they have 2.5 kids, a house, jobs, etc.
Their life is playing out just as they planned and hoped it would...

But as for some of us:

I have learned...the true test...
Is how you keep the faith when things truly suck.
What you do and how you act.
Because 2008 was a true test of faith for me.
And as I look back,
I really could have done better.

I could have trusted so much more.
I could have had so much more faith.
And this is one major regret of mine. That I let doubt creep into my mind...that I didn't fight my doubts as hard as Will fought for his life.
And I can't go back,
All I can do is change it now.

Because I used to think that I had faith. That I truly trusted. And then that was shaken to the core. And I began to question...everything...including myself.

But as I was driving to work this morning, in the freezing crappy snow. It was pitch black and I was late...and I really didn't care. Something washed over me. And for some unknown reason, I got tears in my eyes...and I just knew.
Good things are to come...
and even if I'm wrong,
I trust Him.
And I told Him out loud.

Its strange how suffering and emotions work. When Tim was in the Marines and deployed, I had never felt so intensely sad. And upon his safe return, I experienced an unfathomable amount of thankfulness.
And for the first time,
I felt truly alive.

So today, this quote was presented to me.
And I think it sums it up real nice.

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."
Theodore Roosevelt
Well, I have been presented with both.
And despite all,
I am thankful.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Work

If there is anything that I cannot stand...
its looking for a job.

I was surfing the net and saw that the FBI is hiring a bunch of people. This would be perfect for me.
Lots of knowledge...especially the top secret kind. Check
Sweet ninja moves. Check
Being able to prove it....how do you put in a resume that a bunch of Marines taught me how to seriously hurt (o.k. more than hurt) someone in two moves?

No, the people at the FBI would probably look at me like everyone else I have sent a resume to.
Like a complete loser.
Ha. If they only knew.

Once again its all about who you know not what you know. So this is where I need prayers, because today I am handling this pretty well. But tomorrow? I just might be extra sad that I can't do the job I have been waiting years for...to be a mom.

Monday, January 5, 2009

A New Year

It is officially 2009.
Awesome.
Which means the worst year of my life is now over.
This last year was a nightmare in ways I could never have imagined.
And life in general had me on the ropes in some huge boxing ring.
And let's face it.
I was getting the crap beat out of me.

But now?
Watch out life.
I'm fighting back and I'm swinging...hard.

No one knows what 2009 has in store,
but I've made up my mind that is has to be better than '08.

Everyone has resolutions...goals.
I struggled with that this year. Because there are those that we can actually have a hand in affecting or changing, and then there are those in which we need to stand back and release our grip and our sense of control to God. Having faith and trusting that whatever happens...is what is right.

So, I have a few New Year's Resolutions.
They aren't going to be easy...
but I am determined.
And where there's a Will...
there's a way:)