Saturday, January 17, 2009

6 months old

Will would be 6 months old today.
Oh, how I was wishing that this would be so much easier by now.
But honestly, it doesn't seem like 6 months to me.
To my heart it still feels like yesterday.
And the elephant is still sitting on my chest...
slowly suffocating me.

And I carry this heartache with me everywhere,
in everything I do.
By now, others have somewhat forgotten about it and probably assume that we have somewhat forgotten about it too.
Perhaps that is why I find myself feeling more alone that ever,
I'm still stuck while the rest of the world keeps moving.

But after all of this,
I don't move through life the way I used to.
I don't feel the way I used to.
And I don't value the things I used to.

Every second I had with Will is tucked down deep,
and I carry his heart in mine.
It has been difficult as many around us seem to dismiss all of this, and give me the "look" when I bring up his name.
Talking about him is all I have left.

And while things have not gotten easier,
they have become tolerable on most days. Its those friends, family, and strangers that lend a supportive thought, a quite prayer, and well wishes that help fill a tiny piece of that huge void losing Will has left in me. So I thank those of you who continue to pray, continue to call, and who don't give up on me...

through the grace of God and the kindness and compassion of other people,
I have been able to get this far.

Sweet Will ~ Mommy misses you so, so much...


Megan Smith said...

We haven't forgotten about beautiful Will. I still pray for him all the time! We love him too Julie - and of course you guys!

6 months sooner to meeting him again!

Desha said...

I can't imagine going through what you live with daily, and your child is always your child, whether they are with you in the physical or not. I never understood why some people put their own ideas of what is an "acceptable" amount of time for grief. Whenever you lose someone you love, it never goes away, you never forget, and you never stop grieving, not matter how much time passes. And that is okay. Praying for you!

Mel said...

It does get easier, little by little, day by day but you will never forget and never not hurt when you think about him. Four years later and I still find myself having off days or wondering what Marc would have looked like or what his personality would have been like. No matter how other people make you feel, the important thing to remember is that he IS a part of your family and always will be. Will will never be forgotten.

Ray, Megan and Ruby Denise Clark said...

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

your post reminded me of this poem that my dad read at my mom's funeral.

I found your site through Bring The Rain a few weeks ago and read your story. I am praying for you!