Thursday, January 29, 2009

A new sense of normal is slowly being established.
The key?
Staying busy.

This past weekend we managed to go here
for the 2nd time.
I'm keeping the faith,
that one day
I will be able to sit through a gathering...
sing and hear the music...
without crying.

But this place is so full of positive energy,
and even though its extremely difficult...
I really need a church family out here.
And for that?
I just need to put myself...our reality...out there.
Its easier just to tell people,
to get it out in the open.
Because somehow,
it always comes up.

But it was interesting,
that the first Sunday we were there...
up on the huge screen
an image appears.

An ultrasound picture.
Exactly like the last one I had of Will
before the water was gone.
I just sat there,

Then R.Bell announces his wife is pregnant with their 3rd.
Really, God???
I haven't been to church since April,
and this is announced today.

Am I mad?
Absolutely not.
Just confused,
wondering what exactly is going on.
And thinking that God has some sick sense of humor...
especially for me,
the person who normally thinks that
every freaking thing is funny.

But I'm not giving up,
and for sure going back even though the first Sunday was more of a punch in the gut.
Yesterday was better.
Still cried,
but this time it was because I heard a song.
A song that means a lot to me.
I sang it to Will every day when we were alone,
and I actually haven't heard it sung by anyone else in many years.
So of course,
the guest singer on Sunday had to sing it.
Surprise #2 on Sunday #2.
I wonder what will happen the next time...

Then an opposite.
We went to see Larry the Cable Guy last night.
I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time.
It was fun and a total extreme.
But I guess that is how I feel lately,
all over the darn place.

Speaking about all over the place..
I have to go.
Tim's car just went all over the place in our snow covered driveway.
And now its stuck at the end.
Am I laughing?
Because we're the only chumps in our whole 'hood without a snow blower...
gotta love it.

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