Wednesday, January 14, 2009


As I lay in bed this morning and tried to go back to sleep...
my mind was just too busy to let me.
So here I am,
trying to make sense out of this mess by writing.

This week has been a battle to find sub jobs and to keep my head in the game. Because I have come to realize that I am totally confused...and totally out of patience. This may sound crazy, but after living in MI for nearly a year now (in March) I have come to realize that I have changed a whole bunch. And I am picking up on things back here that I never would have noticed on one of my short week long trips that we would take twice a week while living in Cali.

I am seriously missing the sunshine and warm weather...and the lack of second-hand smoke.

And I have now come to realize that I will always appreciate growing up out here, and the foundation that provided. But right now I am seriously missing CA. And this surprises me more than anything, because while I was out there, there were so many things I hated. The place drove me crazy.

But now?

There are other things driving me crazy...and they are way worse than anything that ever bugged me out there.

I am trying to find my way...but between you and me?
I'm not exactly having much luck.
And to put things in perspective, how I feel here in MI with everything that has happened or everything that hasn't happened...
well, it makes the life we were leading a year ago look like a fairy tale.

After everything that has happened, I figured if I kept plugging along and putting myself out there something good or exciting would eventually happen. Panic has started to set in. Panic that I did something wrong...that I made the wrong choice.

I keep telling myself that this is where we are supposed to be.
Because if that weren't true, our house wouldn't have sold out there. But it did...and it was the only one in our neighborhood that did.

There is a loss of words. Some days, like today, I miss having that hope that was tucked deep inside while I was in the hospital. While I was on bed rest waiting for everything to play out.

Because there was still a chance.
Still a chance that this could end up so completely wonderful. And now I am just trying to take it easy on myself, because truthfully, we just didn't lose our baby. I also lost my entire life as I knew it...and the person I was before all this happened. It would be a different story if this had happened while we were still living out there. I think by now I would be doing well, since I would have a sense of normal to return to. But nothing is normal here.

As I look back over the last 6 months...even a few before that, I keep saying the same prayer. That something good happens.

So after attending Mars Hill on Sunday and listening to Rob Bell...I got to thinking about what all he was saying about having a life force and other stuff. *This was actually the first time we have gone to church since Will died, and it wasn't without its incidents. I think it deserves a post all its own, and I'll just say there were lots of tears on my end. And I didn't have a clue as to what was coming...

But he was talking about Zoe or a life force. I liken this as to what gets us out of bed, why we do the things we do...finding light amid the darkness.
I know all about darkness.
And I'm ready some light.
So I decided to get involved in a way I never have.
Extreme for extreme measures.
There is a volunteer program through the church, that takes people and matches them up with kids in a school that has the highest poverty rate in the city.
I decided to be a mentor.

This should be interesting.
I have a feeling that this kid will be helping me though...
way more than I could ever help them.

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