Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Trust

Today was a good day.
I am making a real effort to stick to my New Year's resolution...
well, one of them anyways.

To be thankful in all circumstances.
No matter what.

Now, I have to say that this is easy for someone to say or believe they doing, when they have 2.5 kids, a house, jobs, etc.
Their life is playing out just as they planned and hoped it would...

But as for some of us:

I have learned...the true test...
Is how you keep the faith when things truly suck.
What you do and how you act.
Because 2008 was a true test of faith for me.
And as I look back,
I really could have done better.

I could have trusted so much more.
I could have had so much more faith.
And this is one major regret of mine. That I let doubt creep into my mind...that I didn't fight my doubts as hard as Will fought for his life.
And I can't go back,
All I can do is change it now.

Because I used to think that I had faith. That I truly trusted. And then that was shaken to the core. And I began to question...everything...including myself.

But as I was driving to work this morning, in the freezing crappy snow. It was pitch black and I was late...and I really didn't care. Something washed over me. And for some unknown reason, I got tears in my eyes...and I just knew.
Good things are to come...
and even if I'm wrong,
I trust Him.
And I told Him out loud.

Its strange how suffering and emotions work. When Tim was in the Marines and deployed, I had never felt so intensely sad. And upon his safe return, I experienced an unfathomable amount of thankfulness.
And for the first time,
I felt truly alive.

So today, this quote was presented to me.
And I think it sums it up real nice.

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."
Theodore Roosevelt
Well, I have been presented with both.
And despite all,
I am thankful.

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