Right now I am sick to my stomach with grief.
There is a blog of a woman that I follow...have been following ever since Will's story began. And today, as I checked it she had posted something new.
But it wasn't just anything.
It was a beautiful video, set to music, of them with their baby from the moments after she was born until after she had passed.
And it brought back a flood of memories.
And I have to ask myself...
Why didn't someone have a video camera in Will's room?
Why didn't we tape Will while he was alive?
Why don't I have that one thing to look back on and see that he was moving...
to see his face when I feel like I'm beginning to forget?
This is a huge regret that cuts deep.
We have a great video camera...
it hasn't been used in years.
This realization infuriates me. There were so many opportunities to be prepared. But we couldn't think of everything...and why didn't anyone offer to do this for us. I just can't wrap my mind around it. Thank goodness the hospital brought in a professional photographer...
But I only see Will when he is dead...
and I want to remember what it was like to see him alive.