Saturday, January 10, 2009

Why?

Right now I am sick to my stomach with grief.
There is a blog of a woman that I follow...have been following ever since Will's story began. And today, as I checked it she had posted something new.

But it wasn't just anything.
It was a beautiful video, set to music, of them with their baby from the moments after she was born until after she had passed.

And it brought back a flood of memories.
And I have to ask myself...
Why?
Why didn't someone have a video camera in Will's room?
Why didn't we tape Will while he was alive?
Why don't I have that one thing to look back on and see that he was moving...
to see his face when I feel like I'm beginning to forget?

This is a huge regret that cuts deep.
We have a great video camera...
it hasn't been used in years.

This realization infuriates me. There were so many opportunities to be prepared. But we couldn't think of everything...and why didn't anyone offer to do this for us. I just can't wrap my mind around it. Thank goodness the hospital brought in a professional photographer...

But I only see Will when he is dead...
and I want to remember what it was like to see him alive.

8 comments:

farmerliz said...

Hi,

I came here from that blog, having watched the video myself, and your comment was near mine. Something made me click over here.

I've never been in a similar situation, so I won't say something condescending like "I can imagine what you're feeling," because I can't. But the anger and the hurt in your post is so palpable that I just want to send you a virtual hug.

Be well, and God bless you.

Liz

Desha said...

I saw your comment on Angie's too, and I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you tonight. Her video left me breathless and sobbing, and I have never had to kiss my baby and then hand them back to Jesus. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, from one moher's heart to another.
~Desha

Mel said...

Like the others, you comment really stood out to me from the 800 or so others on Angie's blog. I am truly sorry for what you are going through and cannot even imagine what it would be like. Please know that you will be in my heart and prayers.

God Bless you and may he help you through this difficult time.

Mel

The Burkett Family said...

Something made me click, too . . . After reading your comment on Angie's blog. I assume you're a Sunday. Sweet girl, I will pray for you. I don't know the right words, but I know God knows the perfect answer. Thank you for writing, for sharing, for reminding me. Will is so lucky to have you for his mother. No, make that blessed.

Twinkletoes said...

Like your other commenters, something about your post made me click also. I am so sorry. I am sorry you feel this way. I wish there was a way to go back in time for you. I will continuously keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
~Lynn/PA

Kathleen said...

Hi, I clicked over on your blog from Bring the Rain, and spent some time meeting you, Tim, and Will. I am so sorry for your loss.

I am a Marine Mom. My son Robby served with VMGR 234 at NAS JRB in Fort Worth. He is out now and learning helicopter electronics. I am going to pass your story along to some Marine Mom friends so you will have a few extra prayers.

Thank you Tim for your service. I am sorry civilian life has been so hard. {{{{{{{{{{Murrays}}}}}}}}}}}}

Leeny's Life said...

I am so sorry this has happened to you..... I cannot even imagine.... Please accept this virtual hug and well wishes.... I am praying as I type....

Candi said...

I too clicked from Angie's blog....I like all the other women here is a hug from me and you and your family in our prayers. I loved getting to know you through your blog.

Candi