Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Group

Last night, it was the 4th Monday of the month.
Support group at the hospital.
Made my way downtown (alone) and got there a little early.
Decided to pay a little visit to my floor and say hello.
On the way, I passed through the hallways
I was pushed through in a wheelchair every day last summer.

Memories.
As I walked towards the elevator,
I passed the cafeteria
and a cart was wheeled in front of me.
Loaded high with dinner trays.
I caught a whiff of some awful, over-cooked vegetable 
and nearly dry-heaved.
I clutched my McDonald's cup in my hand ever so tightly and said a quick prayer, thanking God for the fries and cheeseburger I had just put down, asking for forgiveness because I was not completely happy with it and had been wishing it was In-n-Out.
I promise I won't forget what I had to endure every meal just a mere 7-8 months ago.

Got upstairs and chatted with friends,
its scary how comfortable I still feel there.
I guess that is good just in case I ever end up in that jail cell of a room again.
Made to to group eventually.
I think talking with all the other doctors and nurses is more of a positive therapy sometimes. I also ran into a doctor who made rounds to me every morning. I remember her being so nice and I had to say hi. She actually remembered me and she knew how it all played out, even though I don't remember seeing her the last week or two I was there.
I'm glad I stopped to say hi though.

Seeing faces I only associate with the hospital isn't nearly as bad as it sounds. It helps me to feel closer to him. It helps me to see all the people that came into my life despite everything...
and no one can ever say they have too many friends.
And in a strange way, I get back that feeling of how it used to be
even it was for only 8 weeks.
Before he died,
before we changed forever...
and I get this feeling again,
just for a few moments, that settles in my stomach
making me think that for a minute,
it just might be okay.
But other than those brief moments...
I don't really feel it too much like I did then
waking up every morning,
just knowing there was still a chance:
hope.

And I have forgotten what that feels like. 
Then when I get that emotion for just a brief second,
I realize just how much I miss the old me.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Hockey

Its really coming down.
I was secretly wishing the weather report would be wrong...
but as I look out the window
it appears that we just might get that full
4-8 inches today.
Which blows just about as much as the wind is whipping around the house right now.

Last night we got tickets for the hockey game with my parents,
it was a good time.
It was packed.
College night.
$1 hot dogs and beer.
Tim and I ate and drank for $6...
gotta love that.
Even more interesting is that I saw my choir teacher I had from the time I was in 7 grade through high school.
Too funny.
Still not used to running into people I know from what seems like forever ago. At least to us it seems that way with everything we've done and everywhere we've been in the last 6 years.

My favorite part of last night?
The fights.
I love hockey.
I'm still thinking about one thing though...
They were shooting hot dogs and other random things out of this air launcher
from the ice. Then came some t-shirts.
I don't even know what happened, but I think some chic threw one at me.
It hit my boobs,
bounced off onto the floor
and some psycho lady grabbed it.
All before I had time to think.

Now, I could have had a throw down,
but I was too shocked at what happened.
First of all, that I even had a chance to win something at all.
And then Tim wouldn't shut up about it,
whatever...
Then I saw what the shirt was...

some cheap, white tent of a thing that had some initials for 
Michigan...Medical....
What...Medical?
Burn it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

7 months

Today arrived without much...of anything.
A day we couldn't even think about not long ago.
To survive 7 months of missing and longing for someone who would look and act so differently if he were still with us.
So we are left with our own versions of what could have been.

Of what might still be.
The thought of another has entered our minds...
along with feelings of intense fear and anxiety,
but also of hope.
Hope that things could be different,
and for the better.

We are beginning to realize,
that for us,
there will be no such thing as full healing.
But we are ready,
more than ready...
to think about how we can move forward
and still try for that family we have
always dreamed of.

God willing.
I can only pray
that things might turn out different this time...
that things might happen sooner than later.

This house is too quiet,
we have too much love
and no one to give it to.

This is my third day in bed,
sicker than I have been in a really long time.
And its strange how I suddenly
feel like I did last spring.
Stuck in bed
nothing to do
just wishing I could feel better.
ugh.
I thought the germs here would be less harsh,
maybe the freezing weather makes them that much tougher.
Whatever it is,
I'm ready for it to go away.

All I know is that I'm starting to get delirious.
I'd rather be teaching high school 
than be stuck in this house another second...

Monday, February 16, 2009

Sick bug

Wishing that I could be writing more.
Where does the time go?
Spent the last few days at a Tastefully Simple conference that was so much fun,
met great people...
and it got me away from the house which Tim had taken over with his illness.
Got back late on Valentine's
trying not to think about
how our hearts
are
still
broken.

So I did the rational thing and baked cookies...then proceeded to eat practically the entire freaking thing. Oh, and also ate more pears than I have in the last few years combined...which were lovingly sent to us via a wonderful CA friend (who must have known its impossible to get good fruit here in the dead of winter)
Marion~thank you so much for thinking of us...they were SOOOOO good! And were a healthy "comfort" food for us this week.

Woke up and heard an amazing message at Mars Hill on Sunday,
only to get home and come down with a similar version
of whatever bug Tim had.
So instead of spending the first two days off in a row (since Christmas) doing something fun or even productive together...
we pretty much slept.
Talk about exciting.

However, just like we heard on Sunday...
even though darkness and tragedy may at times surround us,
I will not
let it grow
within
me...

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Heat Wave

Its a windy and balmy day.
The air is warm and...
the snow is melting.
Yesssss.
(insert sigh of relief here)

That means,
well...in Michigan terms,
its time to bust out the shorts and bathing suits now that we surpassed 40 degrees.
Seriously.
After its been as cold as it has,
this feels like a major heat wave.

Here is my prediction though.
Everything will melt,
the air will warm
and the illusion will be given that spring is near...
until one morning we'll all wake up
under a foot of snow.
Jack Frost is known for that
one last sucker punch of the season.

Blogging has been put off lately.
I don't know where the time has gone,
all I do know,
is that it has been flying by super fast.

But I am feeling...
good.
And its just hasn't been today,
its been ever since I said enough is enough to those awful "happy" pills they put me on shortly before Will's arrival...turns out they made me anything but happy.

My prayers have been answered.
I am coming back...
and feeling more like myself.
The person before all this happened.
I give credit to a number of things.
This includes not only being weaned off that crap I never wanted to go on, but I also have been reading a Purpose Driven Life again.
Only this time through different eyes.
Every day I take time out to read, usually while I have a prep hour subbing. I also have only been teaching in the high school or middle school.
Little ones just wear me out something wicked.
And if I'm going to have to do this anyways,
why not get paid the same and have at least an hour to sit and read in silence.
Work smarter, not harder.

So in a nutshell,
nothing earth shattering is happening if anyone were to be watching.
The only drastic change isn't seen on the outside.
But I feel like a completely different person on the inside.
And I feel something I will totally admit I haven't really felt in awhile...
extremely and utterly grateful.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

God Box

When I was hired a few years ago to teach 2nd grade,
I was sooo excited. This was where I was supposed to be...I was blessed to be at a Christian school. As I walked into my new classroom for the first time, I kept discovering things you normally wouldn't see in a public school.

As I began to clean and organize and make it mine,
tucked into a corner I found a really dusty, beat-up black box.
This black box had a hole cut in the top...
and white question marks drawn in puffy paint.

I didn't really know what it was...
until I opened it.
There I found something to entertain me for several minutes.
Written in barely legible little kid writing (so, so cute) were several questions for and to God.
"How old are you?"
"What do you look like?"
"Do you really know everything???"

And then one made my heart skip a beat....
and I don't know why,
but I remembered this today...

"When babies die, do they stay babies in heaven or do they grow up?"

Its strange that when I read that,
I got a really funny feeling.
A premonition?
It just hit something in me...
and it was one of those moments forever ingrained in my memory,
although I haven't thought about it for a really long time...
and have no idea what provoked it to surface this afternoon as I sat in a room full of high schoolers...
Perhaps my mind is on overload as I try to continue to make sense out of something that never will...as I read various devotionals, re-read The Shack, and The Purpose-Driven Life...all in an attempt to find help find some peace.

Even though things have been okay lately, My heart hurts today...
I really miss him today...
and even though I'm not seven, I still wonder the same question...