Tuesday, March 10, 2009


I've been taking shots of Theraflu cold relief like its...
actually going to heal me.
The days since Thursday have gone quickly
with subbing,
a broken Audi,
a Tastefully Simple party,
and getting even more sick
somewhere in the mix.

The miscarriage?
I am thanking God that it was early.
I don't want to dwell on another loss,
but rather be grateful that it didn't drag on.
Even though Tim's reply Thursday night was...
when is this nightmare going to end?
I feel sorry for him as he works his butt off to keep us afloat and then worries about me in any spare moment he may have.
His birthday is Friday,
and all I can think about is last year.
We met up with friends after school for dinner,
I was pregnant,
we were moving in just about 2 weeks.
And we were really happy.
I remember that night with our friends well.

This year, I'm unsure of what to do exactly.
He deserves the world and then some.
Just as he worries about me,
I am concerned with the way people treat him on the phone at work.
He is the hardest worker I have ever known...
even if that means putting aside what has happened and cold calling strangers in an attempt to get them to see that he is trying to help them in this time of financial uncertainty.
People say the the meanest, rudest things to him.
What ever happened to being polite?
I just hate that he has to endure it.
It is hard enough to find the strength to get out of bed most days,
let alone to face that.
Another one of my prayers that still hangs somewhere between here and heaven...
just waiting to be answered in one way or another.

We went to the high risk doctor yesterday.
Another area of our life that is not black and white,
but varying shades of gray.
There is nothing evident,
but we have proof that is can happen for us: Will.
What happened with him is still unknown,
but I know we have to keep having faith and trust.
We are just struggling with the strength we need to keep brushing ourselves off.
Last week felt like ripping a scab off a cut that wasn't close to being healed.
And it hurt.

In church on Sunday, across the front board said...
"Who can heal us?"
Well, that we all know.
But what I have been questioning, 
is how exactly?
And then it came:
we are healed through God but he uses people....
We are healed through community.
And that has made this last year so much harder.
We hadn't established a community here yet.

Last fall, when we had our loss in Sept.
The people I worked with, the kids, the parents...
were simply wonderful.
And it was through them,
that I as able to pick myself up and move forward.
I was healed because of people and the compassion they showed.
And now?
I wish I still had that daily contact,
that job to do.
But this blog and being by family again,
has helped fill a piece of that void which was left when we moved.
I cannot express how humbling it has been to read the comments and emails...
and to just know,
that people are still there to provide that support.
And I am grateful beyond words.

So now?
After everything and a little research,
I am officially considered high-risk.
There are orders for some blood work,
but in the meantime I am supposed to take an extra folic acid supplement and baby aspirin along with my prenatal vitamin.
But I am trying to focus my attention away from all the "what-ifs" and "why's"
because it is hard not to take it personal when 
the news is plastered with Octomom drama and other nonsense.

Because the last few days I haven't been able to get something out of my head.
After we handed Will off to the nurse for the last time,
Tim wheeled me through the NICU to my room...
as we passed by the room he was in,
his little empty bed,
still lit up,
stared back at me.
Reality that he was no longer there.
And that memory,
is poignant.
Because as parents,
we loved him so much...
that we would rather let him go
than have him stay and suffer in this life.
Even if it meant suffering for the rest of ours...
And part of me prays that maybe, 
there is some other mom out there...
who knows she can't provide her child with the variety of things they may need.
And that she loves her child enough,
to let them go.
Because I know there are so many couples out there,
who would do anything to have a baby.
And while we have begun to consider adoption,
that is one roller coaster I don't have the courage to jump on just yet.

That same nurse we handed Will to... told me something the other day.
It was about the blankets all of you graciously donated money for in honor of Will.
She said they have used a couple,
and my heart sank knowing that some other parent is now on this journey...
but she also said that they were thankful and the blankets have been a comfort.
So thank you,
to everyone
who helped us make that possible.
To provide a tiny bit of comfort
in such a dark time.

I don't know about how that makes anyone else feel,
but I feel better when I'm able to do things for others.
And I want to be able to do more.


The Gardners said...

I have followed your blog for quite some time now and I want you to know that you are constantly in our prayers and thoughts.

Megan Smith said...

You never cease to amaze me Julie - God is certainly blessing my life through you friend!

I hope you realize that you "community" stretches far beyond even those who follow your blog. I've shared your story with many friends, churches and even my workmates - all of whom are praying for you and Tim (and even now for Will - we love him so much!).

I'm proud of every one of the days you can even tear yourself out of bed - what an encouragement you are to me. A true testement of: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!!!