Saturday, March 21, 2009

Lansing

I'm sitting in a Panera Bread in Lansing...
watching it snow.
Yes, snow.
What is even more disturbing
is that I just dropped Tim
off at the Marine Corps offices
for some meeting they required him to be at...
yet, they aren't saying why.

At this point?
If they were to tell him he was back in
I don't know if I would feel anything.
Not much surprises me anymore,
and I am done trying to plan or imagine
what my life may or may not turn out to be.
And this isn't necessarily a bad thing,
I am relinquishing control.
What is that line?
If you want to make God laugh....just tell him your plans.

2008
was a year that I could have never seen coming.
Every single thing that I dreamed of happening,
didn't.
Instead,
my worst nightmare, one that I have never imagined...happened instead.
And I am still here to talk about it.
Somehow, we manage to continue on...
even though those around us,
seem to freak out over much smaller things.
I just love perspective.

It was yesterday, when some high schooler
announced to the entire class,
"You are like the most chill, laid back teacher I have ever had."
Wow, hearing that kind of scared me.
Now I realize that I must be doing something wrong,
that I am not as effective as I once was.
I guess after knowing what Tim did in Iraq,
knowing that bullets whizzed by his head,
seeing a woman get run down and murdered in front of us,
and watching helplessly as our son died in our arms...
you could say not much seriously fazes me anymore.
Not even high schoolers whipping random things at a kid sleeping,
passing notes telling each other to have "everyone raise your hand at 11:00"
(they somehow thought this was the funniest thing ever, half expecting me to freak out or something)
Nope.
I didn't yell or do anything they thought I would.
Instead, I did something even worse.
I laughed.

Because it is funny.
I see myself 10 years ago.
Ready to take over the world,
having fun,
loving life.
And since I know how things can turn out.
I'm not going to be the one to rain on their parade...they were doing typical, harmless teenage things...
Soon enough,
they will be all grown up
in the rat race with the rest of us.
For those seniors,
these last 2 months may be the ones they look back on for the rest of their lives.

For me?
I have learned to embrace every chapter.
It is a huge struggle.
But being content
is possibly the only thing that I might be able to control here.
The way I view things,
has the ability
to either free me
or break me.
And after it all.
I refuse to end up a broken person.
Re-moulded?
Yes.
The new and improved model.
Shattered?
No.
Then all of this would be useless.

There will always be bad days,
but I am learning to be grateful for all
of the perspective God has placed along my path...
even the most painful kind.

So,
we'll see what Tim says.
I have a feeling it will be stupid,
he'll say it was a waste of time...
Shocker.
That is the military for you.
A love-hate relationship.

Isn't that the case with just about everything though?
This week,
I hated working every single day in a different school.
But I will love the paycheck when it comes.
And as I sit here, I absolutely hate the fact 
that it is snowing...
But when the sun finally comes out...

I will absolutely love it,
just that much more.

3 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Hi Julie,

I've been reading your blog for a while now, mostly silently, although I comment occasionally. Sometimes it makes me feel a little like a voyeur, but you really are amazing, just stumbling through and trying to find your way.

I haven't experience what you've experienced, but I have been through something major that totally changed my perspective on many things. It makes you feel strange, like you're living in a different world than other people. My comment at the time things were happening was that it was good the way forest fires are good: devastating at the time, but in the end beneficial for the whole system. Your determination to stick it out and be better for all of this, even when you're hurting, is inspiring.

I hope things turn out well, that your husband gets to stay and that it stops snowing. Good luck and God bless.

Liz

Diane Davani said...

Still reading... still praying.
Your writing is amazing.
Let us know what happens with Tim.

The (wild and crazy) Davani Family

Megan Smith said...

I'm glad God gave you a Panera Bread in MI ! ;)
Gotta celebrate the small things :)