Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Things

I'm just downright frustrated.
And since I've written 4 posts since last week,
and failed to post any of them.
I am just going to write and this
WILL be put up,
no matter what gibberish
comes pouring out of my head/heart.

I physically ache.
My heart hurts,
my arms hurt
and I am filled with this mixture of an emotion
somewhere between sheer sadness
and just generally being pissed off.

Besides the fact that my heartstrings
are being tugged and stretched out
somewhere between here and heaven,
this whole last year has just left me, well,
tired.
My soul and entire being is just so sick and tired of it all.
And while I want to lash out and cry and scream
that this is all so wrong.
It doesn't change any of it.

I guess there were events that happened this last week
which helped push me to this point.
And there were a lot of them, many of which I refuse to even give another thought.
While I have the ability to put things in perspective,
we all have those moments where something stupid happens
yet we freak out...
Because its just ONE MORE THING.
In dealing with change and loss and dying,
these "things" that happen are either totally ignored
or a total tragedy.
Regardless, my last week or so has been filled with these "things".
And you could say on Sunday I finally freaked out.

It started with our big garage door motor breaking. Then it decided to rain and snow all week, and I'm seriously questioning our move back to the Midwest solely based on the weather that is nearly driving me insane.
But when I walked downstairs to pack up some stuff I sold online (yes, I am resorting to selling my life away in bits and pieces on EBay) I found the big surprise.

As I reached down
something dripped on my hand...
confused,
I looked up.
A hole.
In the ceiling, where part had caved down
and water was dripping out.
You can imagine what I said out loud.
This resulted from a leak underneath our shower which dripped down to the room downstairs.

Trying to overcome this week,
we went to church on Sunday.
On the way there, the check engine light came on in the Audi
for the 4th time...
in less than a month.
Enough said about that...
When we arrived, we were a little late
so we were seated behind a woman with a brand new baby.

And as we listened to the teaching on suffering, and crying out to God,
and lamenting
I was being tortured as I tried not to stare at this
display of affection between a mother and child...
the kind that I longed to give Will.
And it just sucked.
Big time.

Arriving home,
the dam broke.
And I cried, screamed...
pounded my fists on the counter
in sheer frustration.
Because I'm realizing,
that this just doesn't ever
get "better"
or easier...
It is something I learn to live with.

I feel as though I have been cut off from the world
I long for so many things...
a baby, a job, more fun things with friends to distract myself with.
And with the warm weather
and summer approaching with
what would have been his first birthday...
I find myself getting anxious,
and panicky.
My prayers need to be answered,
I need to find a job or something
because if I sit here alone all summer,
I will completely freak out.

And while I have felt slightly guilty
or even crazy about this,
Rob Bell spoke about it on Sunday:
For me, God has been distant.
I don't know why I have had to walk
in the dark for so long.
I fumble along, trying not to give up.
And just when a small ray of hope appears,
it is quickly blocked or goes out.
And I
quite frankly,
am at my wit's end.

But its not in me to give up.
I'm way too stubborn.
Way too German.
But I am realizing that I am now at a point
where I just don't know what to do anymore...
except keep trudging along.

But I am sick of trudging,
I want to run.
I want to write about how things are going great,
how we are making strides.
I want to reach that plateau where instead of writing this blog for therapy...
for a way to get all the hurt out...
Instead, I write for fun.

*But I must admit, after sitting here getting all this out and reading it back over. I do feel better...and I was never one to shy away from the ugly truth, and I guess I shouldn't feel bad about writing depressing blogs. This is just the reality of it all. A few good days and moments mixed in with the more frequent not-so-good.

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