Thursday, March 5, 2009

This isn't what I wanted to write about today.

I heard something funny from a friend out in CA.
And last night, I put that strange knowledge to work.
She had said that if you have a bad cough and can't sleep, smear Vicks vapor rub on the bottom of your feet and put socks on before going to bed.
Well, after coughing up a lung, I gave in and decided it was worth a shot.
It worked.
I didn't cough the rest of the night.
Now that?
Is weird.

Today, I was hoping would be different.
I was hoping to write a good blog.
Instead, I woke up in a pool of blood that completely freaked out my Marine husband.
So instead of writing that I am pregnant,
I was....but am presumably not anymore.
I am writing instead about more bad news: a miscarriage.
It was still real early,
but not too early to get a positive test last week.
Not to early to have hope that things were going to turn around.

Now?
My head is full of lots of random, mixed-up thoughts.
All of which, I am trying to push out of my head because none of them are things that I want to be thinking. None of them are supposed to be part of a thought process from someone who has been to hell, walked through for some time, and was finally making her way back. Today's event does not help that journey.

So I just ask for prayers. Because now, I really don't know what to say to God today. And I don't know what to pray for anymore. And to me...it seems that whatever I do pray for, well, it just doesn't happen.
Like when I saw that pink line last week?
I prayed that things would just be good, that they would end good...
And now I wish that it just would have stayed negative...
because you can't lose something you never had.
I'm sick of thinking that something good is going to happen and then having it taken away.
Like holding Will and then God taking him,
and holding that freaking stick in my hand and feeling my heart beat again...
only to have it broken this morning.
Why?

When we had the first miscarriage, I still remember what we did that day.
Tim and I drove down the CA coast...
we went and walked around at some outdoor shops and I got some sunglasses (to try and make me feel better) and then we went and test drove a BMW (to make him feel better)...
But we were together, in the warm sunshine...
And this time?
Tim reluctantly left for work, and I'm just sitting alone here telling myself out loud that things...
Will get better soon...they have to.

So friends, any prayers would be so greatly appreciated...I just can't do it for myself right now. I don't know what to say anymore.

8 comments:

Kyle & Alissa Circle said...

Julie, my heart is broken for you once again reading your blog this morning. I will continue to pray for you and Tim during this difficult time. Please know that if you ever need someone to vent, talk to, or pray for you please call....

Heidi said...

oh julie. hang in there girl.

Megan Smith said...

This may be inappropriate timing and not what you want to hear right now, but I'm SO proud of you Julie. You're incredible lady! I'm proud of you for trusting God and for taking the risk and putting your whole heart out again and into another little life. I don't think I'll ever have an ounce of your strength - I'm incredibly encouraged by your faith.

I can't say I understand, but I can share that I'm angry with God too - frustrated, cause COME ON! SERIOUSLY!!!! It makes my VERY human heart so angry and sad to see God giving and then taking tiny babies. I keep asking Him - why even give them at all if you're not going to let them stay here with us?! I'm sure you do this everyday, but I just keep reminding myself that I can be as angry as I want and I can question Him until the cow's come home - how many opportunities do you get to use that line, huh? - but He reminds me that it's not my place to understand. It sucks...I just don't get it. I'll be first in line when we get in heaven for an answer of that one.

I love you Julie! I love all 3 of your little angles! I love God - and I'm incredibly thankful that He loves me, despite my many, many faults and my public display of being sinful and angry :( .

I don't have words to comfort you friend, but I'm going to keep praying that despite what is thrown at you and Tim, that God blanket you with His perfect peace and comfort and bring you blessings in your friends and family.

I bet it feels like your "out of fight," but don't give up friend. Don't let Satan win. He's trying REAL hard to knock you down - and I can't imagine that you could feel any lower, but Julie, if anyone can hang in there and keep the faith it's you.

I'll leave you with this. Log onto the Audrey Caroline song and listen to the Dave Crowder Band song - All That I Can Say. It speaks so much to I'm sure what you are feeling - you've given everything, how much more are you expected to give?

Love you Julie!

Kapuna 818 said...

Julie (& Tim), it may not mean anything at all to you, but know that a complete stranger out in California cried today for you and for the trials you're going through. And I prayed.

Take heart if you possibly can -- in knowing that you are not alone. I don't understand why my wife and I miscarried many years ago, and I still grieve for that lost child even though I am blessed to be Dad to four incredibly beautiful kids today.
I don't understand why -- I have always prayed that God would allow me to be the grandpa my kids never had -- and my grandkids so far all live 3,000 miles across the ocean.

Anyway, your strength is amazing. God is at work in your lives -- I pray for healing, for understanding, and for His grace to show itself to you sooner rather than later.

farmerliz said...

Oh Julie, I usually just follow your blog silently, but I just wanted to let you know that I'll pray for you.

Love from a total stranger,

Liz

Kristin said...

praying, praying, praying for you!

carriekuipers said...

Julie - I am so upset - it has taken me 2 days to even be able to respond. This is unfair. Even though we have been through similar situations, I don't even have the words to say. I am SO SORRY. I will continue to pray for you. I know how hard and disapointing and scary and frusterating this whole thing is. I do believe that God is blessing you and will continue to do so. I cannot wait for the day that you can look back on all of this and it will all be okay. It may take a long time to get there but I do believe that it will happen. There is a verse in the Bible (cannot tell you where off the top of my head) that says - "though our sorrow may last through the night, the JOY comes in the morning". I will continue to pray for you and for the Joy that comes in the morning.
And for your beautiful little children (and mine) that are in Heaven - we will see them someday...and that will be amazing.
Please know that you are being prayed for and your little ones are not forgotten.

Anne E. said...

Julie,
I am so sorry for your loss. Wish I had an answer for you. I hope you can find peace in all this, and I will pray for your healing.
Love, Annie