And last night, I put that strange knowledge to work.
She had said that if you have a bad cough and can't sleep, smear Vicks vapor rub on the bottom of your feet and put socks on before going to bed.
Well, after coughing up a lung, I gave in and decided it was worth a shot.
I didn't cough the rest of the night.
Today, I was hoping would be different.
I was hoping to write a good blog.
Instead, I woke up in a pool of blood that completely freaked out my Marine husband.
So instead of writing that I am pregnant,
I was....but am presumably not anymore.
I am writing instead about more bad news: a miscarriage.
It was still real early,
but not too early to get a positive test last week.
Not to early to have hope that things were going to turn around.
My head is full of lots of random, mixed-up thoughts.
All of which, I am trying to push out of my head because none of them are things that I want to be thinking. None of them are supposed to be part of a thought process from someone who has been to hell, walked through for some time, and was finally making her way back. Today's event does not help that journey.
So I just ask for prayers. Because now, I really don't know what to say to God today. And I don't know what to pray for anymore. And to me...it seems that whatever I do pray for, well, it just doesn't happen.
Like when I saw that pink line last week?
I prayed that things would just be good, that they would end good...
And now I wish that it just would have stayed negative...
because you can't lose something you never had.
I'm sick of thinking that something good is going to happen and then having it taken away.
Like holding Will and then God taking him,
and holding that freaking stick in my hand and feeling my heart beat again...
only to have it broken this morning.
When we had the first miscarriage, I still remember what we did that day.
Tim and I drove down the CA coast...
we went and walked around at some outdoor shops and I got some sunglasses (to try and make me feel better) and then we went and test drove a BMW (to make him feel better)...
But we were together, in the warm sunshine...
And this time?
Tim reluctantly left for work, and I'm just sitting alone here telling myself out loud that things...
Will get better soon...they have to.
So friends, any prayers would be so greatly appreciated...I just can't do it for myself right now. I don't know what to say anymore.