Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Hopeful

While running errands
I realized that I do my best thinking
in the car.
And if I were able to type my thoughts
as I drive,
well,
it would be so much better than while I am sitting here.

Since Sunday night
I have felt at peace.
Finally.
There were so many things that were talked about at the
Drops Like Stars tour,
and I felt (selfishly) that it was directed at me.
Now I don't want to ruin it for people that do decide to go,
but when introducing it all that night,
R.B. gave an opening story.
A story about a couple being in the hospital,
suffering as they said goodbye to their newborn baby.
And on the huge screen behind him,
flashed up a picture of a long, barren hospital hallway.

My hands flew to cover my eyes
that instantly filled with tears.
That picture,
that hallway.
It brought me back to so much.
Enough said.
That is how powerful one picture can be.
A picture or story that seemingly has no bearing,
will bring me to my knees.

And all I kept thinking
was that...
all this had happened.
Now what was I going to do with it?
I have my answer.
Now its just a matter
of actually doing it.
To me,
it isn't anything that special.
Or maybe I'm just in denial about my life and how
bizarre it really can be:)

But maybe Rob Bell thought that about
his lectures.
What if he had never written them?
Never spoken to people.
Never taken the chance?

Now its hard for me to imagine
just how this blog has affected people.
Because its just me.
Just...me.
Just a mom missing the baby she prayed for
her entire life.
Because I loved Will even before he came to be.

Suffering makes people honest...
For me,
it has stripped away everything else
and left this vulnerable,
emotional,
and in the end...
hopeful person.

Hopeful that maybe
all of this could really lead to something.
Lead to helping someone else...
survive the unthinkable.

So,
now with all of these thoughts
churning in my head. I'm kind of on overload.
I have written a lot,
but it remains un-posted.

I just pray that this feeling,
this peaceful existence
stays with me
for at least a little while.
Especially next week when I have to take the last
of my teaching tests...
even though I have a feeling I just might never teach
in this state.

1 comment:

Diane Davani said...

Amazing, powerful writing Julie.
The first time I read this, it hit me. And I read it two more times. Slower, and really "getting it." Please pursue this path, wherever it's going, cuz' God is at work here. I see it.