Wednesday, April 22, 2009

seasons




A year in pictures.
When I first got the nerdy idea,
I was so excited to do this.
And when I began to post them,
something strange happened.

I got irritated.
Here are these pictures,
proof that time has passed,
proof that things have changed...
but to me,
its all still the same.

Because, when I look at those pictures I don't see what other people see.

In the spring picture?
I see the view I had, as I laid in bed with Will and prayed that the doctors would be wrong. I see the leaves starting to bud, the deer coming out, and I remember telling him everything that was in his backyard. I remember...not being alone.

The summer picture?
I remember this view from the window, as I laid there and cried with Tim. Being home from the hospital, sore, stitched up and numb with pain and grief...wondering just how I was going to stay alive...

With fall, I tried so hard to get myself on a routine. But I found myself in such a weird situation. A teacher with no classroom.
A mother with no child.
And as the leaves changed, I would stare at the woods from my window...and just wonder.
Wonder how this would all work out.

Then there was winter.
It embodied how I felt. And as I stared out the window in December during the first big snowfall, it just felt all wrong. I should have been there, snuggled in front of the tree with our son...

And now,
suddenly,
its spring again.
Has anything worked out?
Uh, no.

Every single day
is a battle...not to give up.
To keep the faith,
to know that sooner or later
things have to get better.

But then again,
maybe they won't.
I don't know, is there any rule that says
anything gets better after something like this happens?
Maybe when I stop expecting it to get better...
that strange pressure and expectation will go away.

And with each day, there will be small changes in me.
But they will be so small, I won't see them.
Until I look back, like I'm doing with these pictures.
And when I put it all together
and line it all up...

I will finally see it,
and realize...
that I have come far,
in so many ways.

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