The bereavement counselor told us that grieving...
would be hard work.
I had naturally scoffed at this,
but honestly she has been so right.
It is work.
Hard, tiring, absolutely draining work.
And this blog is part of the work I must do.
Writing about this crap totally sucks,
but its part of my work.
And if I don't do it,
then things creep up on me
and it sends me back to square one.
When I don't write,
or express what is going on in my head.
Things go south real quick.
And then I have to ask myself why I don't write more.
And my answer is because I'm always expressing some negative
or sad emotion...
and I worry that people don't want to hear it.
But seriously, I'm over what others may think.
I can't be concerned with other people at all.
Because if I don't do my "work" I suffer even more.
My mind and body pay,
for what I don't put out there.
Because the truth is,
unless you have had a child die,
then no one really knows.
I guess the past weeks I have been trying to navigate through a fog that I don't understand. I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be consumed in thinking about Will.
But I just am.
This is not something that one can talk themselves out of. And often the reactions of others (or complete ignorance) slashes that wound right back open.
And I'm left here bleeding all over again.
My body knew.
And my heart ached like nothing before.
And it all began days ahead...the constant sleeping, the wringing of my hands, the sobbing, the complete and utter feeling of hopelessness.
And the anger at God.
I found a journal entry from exactly a year ago.
When we got Will's prognosis, and I prayed that he either be healed
or that he go quickly.
I am now, 100% convinced, that I had no idea what I was asking for.
There is no way in hell that I ever would pray for anything short of a miracle.
Will dying would not be an option in my mind.
Because now the shock has worn off and the reality has set in.
And many times it is too much to bear.
The pain I have felt the past few weeks
has been constant.
And I sit around people,
who say stupid things,
and do ignorant things,
and just generally have no idea.
And often, mothers
cannot even begin to imagine...don't want to even try to imagine...
what is now my reality...
but are quick to offer advice or just altogether ignore me.
Yes, I am now the elephant in the room.
And since I represent sadness and a mother's worst nightmare...
I am shunned, pushed away. Because after all, it makes people uncomfortable,
not knowing what to say,
not wanting their special moment to be tainted with memories of mine.
Or my other blessing are brought up,
like you have Tim,
or you have a beautiful house.
The house one annoys me the most.
I read an analogy while going through some bereavement things that went something like this:
When people make remarks and they generally don't understand what they are saying to the bereaved parent it sounds something like this, "Okay, let's have you stick out one of your hands and we'll cut it off. Of course it will hurt at first, but you should get over it because you still have your other hand, right? (such as my husband and nice house) In fact, after some time, which will be determined by me, not by you who lost your hand, I don't want to hear anything about you having a hard time with the loss of your hand. Don't ask me for help, because you just need to accept it and be strong. No complaining allowed, that would just mean that you are ungrateful for the hand you have left. And if you don't mind, please keep your suffering and stump of an arm hidden, it makes me feel uncomfortable....
and all this is coming from someone who is perfect, someone who has both their hands.
That pretty much sums it up.
And while being ignored, never made anyone feel good,
for me its like an extra punishment.
Like having Will die wasn't enough...
now I have lost the little ignorant bliss I had left in the world, and realize that I am now a totally different person...and I have lost faith in people that I thought would at least try to be what I need most right now ~ a friend.
Maybe I'll just be honest and say that I am jealous.
I'm jealous that I will never have a completely Happy Mother's Day.
There will always be a hole, left from Will, that no one else can ever fill.
And I want that ignorance back.
That sheer, new mommy ignorance...
where everything goes according to plan.
Well, they just don't die.
What has come out of of this so far?
Its hard to say.
While I know on my end, I have become more empathetic, caring, and numerous other things. I know that good has come for others, that Will's life has brought out a positive for people I don't even know.
But this is where I am honest in saying
that I don't care how much good can come out of it.
I'm selfish and would much rather have him alive and here with me,
regardless of what good has come out of it.
Because our lives since last July?
Light years away from good.
This will be the hardest thing I do in my life.
Because it will be constant.
Constant work every single day,
until the day I go home to be with him once again...
to learn to live the best I can,
with only part of my heart.