When I woke up this morning,
I felt a slight anxiety sitting on my chest.
Even the weather is the same...
How can it be that exactly one year ago today,
my journey in the hospital began.
I guess May has been a big month,
another tough month...
which leaves me with many explanations on
the lack of writing on my end.
Well, maybe not the lack of writing,
but the lack of actual posting.
There are days when my mind wanders,
and I try to resist the darkness of a depression
that is slowly creeping up as the one year mark
gets noticeably closer.
Something good has to happen soon,
its been over a year...
is the only thing I can think sometimes.
Its hard to experience the events all over again,
a year later.
Its only natural to replay every stinging detail,
day by day,
recounting how things were a year ago.
How different they were a year ago.
In some strange way, going back to those posts helps.
It hurts, but it is also a written record.
That time and place in my story, is not forgotten.
I read over my posts from last May,
and its hard to recognize that person.
For all that was happening,
and for all that was spinning out of control...
she seems oddly upbeat...or even optimistic.
Looking back now,
I can see that person is gone in many ways.
But that cruel uncertainty of the future?
It is still here.
Will may be gone from this earth,
but much of what I felt a year ago
just in a slightly different way.
I'm still looking for direction.
I'm looking to feel that aching inside me dull just a bit.
Its not a lot to ask,
its so hard not to concentrate on what we have given or lost,
and to overcome having to give something back to God,
that I never wanted to give.
And now, all I'm asking for is for Him to give me something else...
or rather someone else.
Because I have come to realize that this hole,
won't be filled by anyone...
but it will help in the healing.
It will help dull the daily pain.
It will help restore the feeling of hope and purpose.
My ramblings with God,
aren't so much prayers...
its more like begging.
Because I don't know what else to do.
Begging for what others probably take for granted.
A familiar routine...
and I'm not even asking for all of them at once,
just one would do.
So that is my new prayer.
In the meantime, as May quickly passes me by,
I am going to end with what I am thankful for:
I've applied for some jobs (with any luck maybe I'll get an interview)
Tim and I had a whopping 3 days off together this last weekend...
I survived Mother's Day...and my 30th Birthday.
And now for the most embarrassing, yet truthfully the best, distraction I've had since last May:
The Twilight Series.
How bad is my addiction to these books?
I'm on the 3rd book and I just purchased them last week.
Which has me thinking...
In a strange way, these books are helping me.
I'm actually looking forward to something...
I need to get writing soon.
The idea of writing a book is a constant and daily thought,
perhaps it would help someone.
Maybe many more people than I can ever dream.
Then again, if it only help me...
Its something I know I need to do.