Wednesday, May 27, 2009

One year ago today...

When I woke up this morning,
I felt a slight anxiety sitting on my chest.
Even the weather is the same...
How can it be that exactly one year ago today,
my journey in the hospital began.

I guess May has been a big month,
another tough month...
which leaves me with many explanations on
the lack of writing on my end.
Well, maybe not the lack of writing,
but the lack of actual posting.
There are days when my mind wanders,
and I try to resist the darkness of a depression
that is slowly creeping up as the one year mark
gets noticeably closer.

Something good has to happen soon,
its been over a year...
is the only thing I can think sometimes.

Its hard to experience the events all over again,
a year later.
Its only natural to replay every stinging detail,
day by day,
recounting how things were a year ago.
How different they were a year ago.
In some strange way, going back to those posts helps.
It hurts, but it is also a written record.
That time and place in my story, is not forgotten.

I read over my posts from last May,
and its hard to recognize that person.
For all that was happening,
and for all that was spinning out of control...
she seems oddly upbeat...or even optimistic.

Looking back now,
I can see that person is gone in many ways.
But that cruel uncertainty of the future?
It is still here.
Will may be gone from this earth,
but much of what I felt a year ago
still remains,
just in a slightly different way.

I'm still looking for direction.
I'm looking to feel that aching inside me dull just a bit.
Its not a lot to ask,
its so hard not to concentrate on what we have given or lost,
and to overcome having to give something back to God,
that I never wanted to give.

And now, all I'm asking for is for Him to give me something else...
or rather someone else.
Because I have come to realize that this hole,
won't be filled by anyone...
but it will help in the healing.
It will help dull the daily pain.
It will help restore the feeling of hope and purpose.

My ramblings with God,
aren't so much prayers...
its more like begging.
Because I don't know what else to do.
Begging for what others probably take for granted.
A job...
A family...
A familiar routine...
and I'm not even asking for all of them at once,
just one would do.
So that is my new prayer.

In the meantime, as May quickly passes me by,
I am going to end with what I am thankful for:
I've applied for some jobs (with any luck maybe I'll get an interview)
Tim and I had a whopping 3 days off together this last weekend...
I survived Mother's Day...and my 30th Birthday.

And now for the most embarrassing, yet truthfully the best, distraction I've had since last May:
The Twilight Series.
How bad is my addiction to these books?
I'm on the 3rd book and I just purchased them last week.
Which has me thinking...
In a strange way, these books are helping me.
I'm actually looking forward to something...

I need to get writing soon.
The idea of writing a book is a constant and daily thought,
perhaps it would help someone.
Maybe many more people than I can ever dream.
Then again, if it only help me...
Its something I know I need to do.

1 comment:

Scanlans said...

No one ever forgets the day they entered the hospital. I still have flashbacks about it. Heading for a routine doctor's appt. at 26 weeks and all of a sudden being whisked into labor and delivery and wondering if we would all make it through the next 48 hours..

I'm getting off track, though.. I am commenting on a post you made a while ago about people's comments on your situation. I still can't believe that someone actually said "you have your house"...
As a fellow woman who has been through the loveliness of infertility and bedrest.. here are some of my all-time favorites that people would say ..
While trying to get pregnant:
* Why don't you just get drunk?
* Have you tried a ginger smoothie?
* Take a bunch of Benadryl!
* We just get pregnant breathing on each other!
And , of course, the best one..
(drumroll please) ** just relax!! (Oh sure)

And, my absolute favorite comment on bedrest was, of course,
"You should enjoy this time"
Obviously made by someone who has never experienced hospital bedrest.

There should definitely be a chapter devoted to this in your book.

Still lots of praying for you..
Lindsay