Sunday, June 28, 2009

the last week

Last week, after having a meltdown...
(Or should I say numerous meltdowns)
Tim threatened to put parental controls on our computers.
No more Facebook
and no more blogs...
except for my own.

Sometimes I look back at it all and wonder
how exactly have I evaded a padded room?
Its not too late I guess.

I'm realizing that hitting rock bottom,
didn't happen last August
or even at Christmas.
I was never guaranteed to start at the bottom
and work my way up a little bit each day since the day I came home from the hospital.
I'm realizing that for me?
Rock bottom has happened many times over the course of the last few months.

The words frustration and disappointment
don't even come close.
I'm mad at my circumstance,
mad at my life,
and even more furious with God.
Yes, in my heart, I scream at Him,
because so many little things could change
and ease this hurt.
But he has been silent.

The thing is,
I know exactly what has brought on this latest crisis.
The lack of anything to do or any job.
Summer was great while I taught,
because I was burned out from the school year.
But I don't need a summer right now,
it is like I have awakened from a deep hibernation.
And I'm starving for a job, a purpose...
and these days of doing nothing
are torture.
So what do I do?
I scope out Facebook and read all these other blogs,
which would be fine if things were fine with me...
but instead it is a constant reminder of how not-normal my life is at the moment...
and I don't need any extra reminders of what I yearn for.
So I have been banished,
at least for now.

On Wednesday we'll be in the O.C.
and while there is lots I want to do,
I am most looking forward to visiting people.
To having conversations...
Because as much as I talk to Sophie,
she has yet to answer me back.

This trip will be good,
I already looked at the weather and it said 0% chance of rain...
for a week straight.
A whole week of sunshiney warmness?
I won't know what to do with myself.
Check that...yes, I will.
I'll enjoy every stinking minute of it.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Crack fries, kayaking, and Father's Day

The weekend proved beneficial to help me recover from last week.
We had dinner with friends on Saturday night
at this awesome bar downtown...
I'm a huge fan of french fries,
but am addicted to this place because of their "crack fries"...
the name says it all.
Apparently, I'm not the only one.

Yesterday morning I took Tim kayaking down the river
as his Father's Day gift.
There has been a ton of rain lately,
and it was perfect timing.
Of all the days I wish I had my camera,
this was one of them.
We embarked our double kayak and
learned how to maneuver the river.
The last time we did this was in some remote lagoon
in Cabo San Lucas...and we encountered tons of blow fish.
No blow fish here,
but plenty of other stuff.

We saw the usual:
ducks, geese, turtles and swans...
until we made a wide turn and got stuck.
On a fallen tree.
We sat for a moment, rested,
and I reached out for the dead branch to push off.
Something crawled across my hand and I screamed.
The biggest spider I have ever seen in this state.
Tim yelled at me for scaring him until he saw the darn thing...
so LUCKY (especially for me) that I didn't get bit.
I shudder to imagine what could have been....

After that, the trip was not typical.
A beautiful butterfly landed on my hand.
A beaver popped up right next to the kayak with a mouth full of sticks...
I gasped again ~ apparently he was just as startled to see me when he popped to the surface.
Within a minute we passed tall grass and had another visitor,
a baby deer.
She just stared at us as we slowly passed,
close enough to touch her with our paddles.
Everything was amazingly beautiful and serene.
It was the perfect thing to do.

After that we managed to get up to Muskegon for a little family reunion.
Saw lots of family we haven't seen in a really long time,
Tim finally got to meet them:)
My grandma was able to come from the nursing home,
and sit with her family.
That has been another tough aspect I have never really written about here.
I left for CA and my grandmother was herself,
I came back and she is now another person...
Since Will, I have distanced myself from that grieving too.
Because its so sad, and I'm not that old...and neither is she.
But she will never see my children.
However, on Father's Day, all of her children and grandchildren
were together for one last time.
And I could tell she knew that.

So to know that my grandpa was the happiest he's been in a long time...
that made it all worth it, and helped me to feel a little better too.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Too bummed for words.

There are lots of things I feel like saying,
but I am not going to.
These are the facts:
I got a rejection email this morning,
I'm not taking it so well (even though I thought I would),
Its not just the not getting the job part...
Its lots of not getting all sorts of things "part"...

And now, I am going to take a break from writing,
not dig myself a bigger "pity" hole
and crawl into bed, cover myself with blankets, cry
and stay there...
maybe forever.

And of course, this all had to happen 11 months to the day that Will passed away.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

11 months

Today is one of those days.
One of those days that happens less and less
but still happens regardless.
I suspect, that with time, that days like these
will happen in less frequency.
But when the do come,
the pain
and sadness
and tears
come as if he was just here in my arms.
And like I had just held him,
my arms are left aching.
for someone that hasn't been here in way too long.

Sometimes I look for things to blame,
something that perhaps triggered these emotions.
the cold and rainy weather?
the lack of anything to fill my time?
the stress of not hearing anything regarding my interview?
It doesn't really matter,
the feelings are here all the same.

I went through his box today,
the one thing I have to be close to him.
I took out his outfit, his blanket...
his incomplete baby book.
The same book I was writing in
when the NICU doctor told us he would surely die.

And moments like this,
I hate God for letting this happen...
For letting him die
and leaving me a completely broken person.
Couldn't he have picked someone else?
Someone else who would handle this with more grace,
more trust
more faith
more understanding
more everything than what I have to offer?

A whole day wasted on crying and living in the past.
I didn't have them until I moved here,
now those regrets consume my thoughts.
Its a horrible way to live.
And I should know better,
I do know better.
But on days like today,
I'm pretty much rendered useless...
a prisoner to a broken heart.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Last night's visitor.

After a storm the other day,
I walked out my front door
and was greeted by a rainbow.
This was kind of a big deal to me...
I saw it as a promise.
I don't know exactly what for,
but there is was nonetheless.

June 15th of last year was my very first post.
And its not just that, 
but other events and things have been bringing a flood of memories...
the rainbow,
summer storms,
elephant ears,
and questions about the future.

Some will completely understand how all the things above are connected,
and if there is still some questions (especially about the elephant ears part) that story will be told one day in the book.
I'm working on it...
because its too funny a story to be left untold.

But tonight,
I'm sitting on the deck watching daylight fade from the sky.
And knowing that tomorrow is that interview.
Its on my mind, not for reasons many would assume...
For me,
it represents just another aspect of my life I did not see coming.
It is another sign that time moves forward,
my life is changing and starting to show signs of moving forward also.
It means that I have an opportunity again.
Something so normal as a teaching job,
is now a really big deal to me.
A new sense of normal is now within my reach...

Maybe tomorrow will be the start of something new.
Hopefully good.
Because somewhere over the rainbow,
people get 2nd chances...
and so does the pre-baby suit I managed to squeeze my body into!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

My comic relief

This dog...
is the creature I spend all my time with.
We are together all day and all night...
I see her more than Tim.
So those of my friends who question my sanity?
Here is your answer...

I'm sure this clarifies a great deal.
And by the way,
I just found her like this.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Finally, some sun...

Woke up with a jolt this morning,
I was dreaming
and then something smashed into my window.
For all I knew, it could have been a deer or something.
It was that loud.

I bolted up in bed and looked out my window,
nothing under the window
but a huge deer was at the far end of our lawn.
His new antlers were still fuzzy as they were growing in.
It wasn't him that made the noise, obviously,
but perhaps a large bird giddy because the sun is actually out.

So here I sit,
somewhat giddy as well, if I can even get giddy anymore...
Maybe just anxious, perhaps from all the coffee I slammed this morning.
About to drop off another resume.
That great feeling I've had?
turns out I was onto something,
I have an interview on Tues.
Now I realize that there are probably something like 25 other people also fighting for this...
but I pray that they see something in me.
And besides, we all know how hard I can fight.
I just pray that I'm given a chance.
First impressions are everything here,
and I'm not so sure I make the best ones.

I hate interviews.
You have to sell yourself while sounding confident,
and I always feel like its the most cocky/not humble experience.
And with my teaching experience in CA,
and after subbing in the local districts back here...
I know without a doubt I bring something totally different to the table.

Regardless of what happens, I know I need this.
I need a purpose,
a schedule,
someone (or lots of little someones) to distract me from the emptiness.

I'm trying not to think about the whole baby thing.
I'm trying not to wonder why its taking so long,
if the stress is affecting me
if its even meant to be.
There is no doubt that I am disappointed it has nearly been a year,
and we aren't on our way again.
And I'm pretty sure this month is another failed attempt.

like I said,
I'm not going to think about that.
I'm going to focus on the one thing I can be good at:
the interview on Tuesday morning.
*Any prayers are greatly appreciated...

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

patiently waiting

Haven't written much lately.
Not that I don't want to,
but nothing is really going on.

School is out.
The weather is slightly improving.
Things are overly green and alive...
and I have way too much time on my hands.
Good thing the Twilight series books are over 600 pages and there are 4 of them.
I don't know what I'll do when I finish.

Last week, we went to Indiana to bury Tim's last living grandma.
We were happy for her,
she was 97 and had been wanting to go for some time.
I guess in the circle of life,
that is how it is supposed to go.
You live a long full life and then pass away in your sleep.
Only I know better now,
that sometimes the circle is disrupted.

As we stood by her graveside,
in the middle of the cemetery
surrounded by Indiana farmland...
I envied her era in a way.
She lived in the same place her whole life,
had a small circle of friends and family.
And things were just more,
As I walked to the car, I took notice of other head stones.
And what did I see?
Three babies.
The years were somewhat faded,
And even though it was 100 years ago,
I wondered about them,
felt sad for them.
Felt that anxiety for the parents that were buried next to them...
who endured a lifetime without their child.

I guess it happened more frequently back in the day,
but it was nice to see that they were named...
that they were buried with their family...
that they existed
and their headstones were left for the rest of us to see.

The history back here is something I love,
being in that field
it could have been 1915 because nothing else had changed.

So I guess that has been on my mind since last week.
Funerals make you reflect,
not that I need any help in that category.
But otherwise, I am still feeling optimistic.

Still hoping that a call will come for an interview,
or any other good news.
Maybe I'm in better spirits because I'm not subbing,
and can catch up on some sleep.
I require a lot these days,
they tell me its normal.
But I can't help but think that I have better things to do.

Three weeks from tomorrow we'll be in the O.C.
That is giving me an opportunity for excitement...
Seeing friends...
And having some real summer weather.
I can't wait.

Monday, June 1, 2009

A little seed called...Hope

Its June.
That is insane to me.
This is because,
while the rest of the world has continued on,
while friends have gotten pregnant and had those babies weeks and months ago,
while others have taught an entire school year,
celebrated holidays and birthdays...
my life has stood still,
or been a fog
since that fateful day last July.

Every so often,
my eyes are opened as I fight to awake from a deep hibernation,
that I really have no control of.
Sometimes I manage to stay awake long enough to create a new memory...
most of the time I quickly fall back asleep.
But lately, my awake spells have been more frequent...
and are lasting longer.

I'm not sure if this is because it is nearly summer here,
or if my intuition that something is going to happen soon...
just might be correct.
Because 6 months ago,
I was convinced that if someone was to look up the
definition of hell in the dictionary...
you just might find the words: Julie's current life situation.
I'm joking of course....somewhat.

But this week, I found out that besides the obvious,
I wasn't able to shake myself out of this for good reason.
There was nothing to hope for.
Then with the simplest thing as an email,
and a possibility for a job...
that was all that was needed for the clouds to part in the slightest way...
and finally let some light into my dark world.

Now there is a good chance that nothing will become of this,
but I have hope again.
And even if I don't get a call or an interview...
I have learned that I am going to take this hopeful feeling and run with it.
Even if it does only last for a couple of days.
And just maybe,
if its meant to be,
this new found purpose could possibly last longer than that.

And it could have the possibility
to be the start of something new.

It could be silly,
to open myself up for more let downs.
But at this point,
I really don't care.
Its feels good to be optimistic again.