Wednesday, June 17, 2009

11 months

Today is one of those days.
One of those days that happens less and less
but still happens regardless.
I suspect, that with time, that days like these
will happen in less frequency.
But when the do come,
the pain
and sadness
and tears
come as if he was just here in my arms.
And like I had just held him,
my arms are left aching.
Searching...
for someone that hasn't been here in way too long.

Sometimes I look for things to blame,
something that perhaps triggered these emotions.
the cold and rainy weather?
the lack of anything to fill my time?
the stress of not hearing anything regarding my interview?
It doesn't really matter,
the feelings are here all the same.

I went through his box today,
the one thing I have to be close to him.
I took out his outfit, his blanket...
his incomplete baby book.
The same book I was writing in
when the NICU doctor told us he would surely die.

And moments like this,
I hate God for letting this happen...
For letting him die
and leaving me a completely broken person.
Couldn't he have picked someone else?
Someone else who would handle this with more grace,
more trust
more faith
more understanding
more everything than what I have to offer?

A whole day wasted on crying and living in the past.
Regrets.
I didn't have them until I moved here,
now those regrets consume my thoughts.
Its a horrible way to live.
And I should know better,
I do know better.
But on days like today,
I'm pretty much rendered useless...
a prisoner to a broken heart.

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