Sunday, June 28, 2009

the last week

Last week, after having a meltdown...
(Or should I say numerous meltdowns)
Tim threatened to put parental controls on our computers.
No more Facebook
and no more blogs...
except for my own.

Sometimes I look back at it all and wonder
how exactly have I evaded a padded room?
Its not too late I guess.

I'm realizing that hitting rock bottom,
didn't happen last August
or even at Christmas.
I was never guaranteed to start at the bottom
and work my way up a little bit each day since the day I came home from the hospital.
I'm realizing that for me?
Rock bottom has happened many times over the course of the last few months.

The words frustration and disappointment
don't even come close.
I'm mad at my circumstance,
mad at my life,
and even more furious with God.
Yes, in my heart, I scream at Him,
because so many little things could change
and ease this hurt.
But he has been silent.

The thing is,
I know exactly what has brought on this latest crisis.
The lack of anything to do or any job.
Summer was great while I taught,
because I was burned out from the school year.
But I don't need a summer right now,
it is like I have awakened from a deep hibernation.
And I'm starving for a job, a purpose...
and these days of doing nothing
are torture.
So what do I do?
I scope out Facebook and read all these other blogs,
which would be fine if things were fine with me...
but instead it is a constant reminder of how not-normal my life is at the moment...
and I don't need any extra reminders of what I yearn for.
So I have been banished,
at least for now.

On Wednesday we'll be in the O.C.
and while there is lots I want to do,
I am most looking forward to visiting people.
To having conversations...
Because as much as I talk to Sophie,
she has yet to answer me back.

This trip will be good,
I already looked at the weather and it said 0% chance of rain...
for a week straight.
A whole week of sunshiney warmness?
I won't know what to do with myself.
Check that...yes, I will.
I'll enjoy every stinking minute of it.

1 comment:

Megan Smith said...

949-735-4401 if you have some time to visit when you're in CA! I'm free all weekend - LOVE to see you!